Thank you guys. Yes Feel free Giordano to ask me anything
Leaving the JWs
by Hurting 34 Replies latest jw experiences
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Hurting
I am considering writing to my family. I want closure I think this is the only way for me to get it.
however there are also times when I feel like I'm selling what's left of my soul in writing to them and opening up to them.
i flip between the 2 feelings, then I I'm concerned that a letter worded in the right way could wake them up...then I feel a Heavy responsibility to get a letter just right and it not about me and moving forward anymore.
This thought process is constant daily...has anyone got any suggestions how they got closure. I think I do want to say how i feel no holds bared.
Our past has been white washed by them all...they believe that we have a great Cristian up bringing but had a few problems due to the devein influence. I want to give them a letter to smack them in to reality even if it's for 10minutes.
I've gone along with the white washing I want to feel free to say what I like.
i suppose what stopped me is a deep rooted fear of looking like a bad person I'm still so vulnerable to there view of me...and getting dis fellowshiped...as this could hurt my children I could never meet up with my family with them just for there sake.
They have gone through so much confusion this last year...I hate as I'm writing this that they still have such a hold on every decision Im making. I don't want them to take any more of my life then they already have. Thanks for your comments I should be taking one day at a time.
I just want closure
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cha ching
Hugs to you, Hurting....
This religion very insidiously makes EVERYONE feel as if they are never good enough, never did enough, should do more, etc, etc..
I would think about doing what will make your kids feel the best, without compromising truth. Real truth is gold. You don't want them to go thru the confusion & guilt that you did, right?
All of us go thru that dilemma in or head of what will "wake them up" or "help them", & sometimes there is nothing... Just closure for us.. So, take a while to think about it, spend time enjoying your kids. Take it slow, bounce things off of people here.
Glad you can vent, hugs, cha ching!
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Vidiot
Even back when I was young and still in, I couldn't help but see that JW kids who had the most hard-core loyalist parents almost always bailed at the earliest opportunity. -
Giordano
Hi Hurting.
Let me see if I've got various things straight......... you got baptized a year ago at age 31, do you remember that Jesus got Baptized after he turned 30? So your one of the few to follow his lead (smile).
Did you get baptized because of your family? Trying to win their approval but then found it difficult to fit into the congregation. You left the JW's a couple of months ago and took your children out with you.
You want to send a tough letter to your family to try to get them out but your concerned that it could cause a problem for your children if the Elders learned about your beliefs or non beliefs and you could be DFed.
You are finishing up on a college degree.......... congratulations on that!
The general consensus on this forum is that you don't give the Elders any ammunition to DF you. And believing JW's would run to the Elders. You can leave in one of two ways fade or disassociate yourself if you DA yourself you will still be shunned.
Deep down you really want to tell it like it is and was to your family and or try to gain some respect.
Most of us have been there. The problem getting people out is that a JW does not want to hear the truth about the Truth. To wake up they have to either be disturbed/stumbled about how they had or were being treated or learn something negative in the belief system.
Right now people are learning that there is a JW Pedophile problem. The Royal Australian Commission discovered on sworn oath testimony that there were reports of 1006 cases investigated by the Congregations and not a single one was reported to the proper Authorities. Now this was from 1950 to the present time just to be clear. The reason there is a JW problem is because the Elders can not go forward without applying the two witness rule. And pedophiles commit their crime in secret. In the USA there may be 23,000 cases where a person has been accused of being a pedophile.
A number of folks have cited this issue as the reason they have left the organization.
Now this could be your reason for leaving if anyone questions why you have left.
All of this leads up to some advice. For now fade and get some distance from your family. Finish your degree and re-organize your life around yourself and your children. Ignore the congregation and be cautious with your family. Getting DF will just demean you and you don't want to let that happen unless your in a stronger position mentally and emotionally. Try not to fixate on your family. Try not to define yourself by their opinion of you.
If necessary get some professional therapy. Start with your Uni many have people like that on staff. There are also free clinics and community services you can get some help from.
It's been a hard life for you, from the comments we all feel that you are stronger then you think and we all want you be in a happier place.
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Beth Sarim
A lot of JW's, never feel like they are good people, worthy of JW's association or marrying someone else who is a JW. This all because they have been programmed into thinking they are not 'good enough', when actually in contrary they really are very fine people. -
Hurting
Thank you so much for all your heart felt comments. I didn't expect so many replies and such sincere support. I'm so ashamed of how I used to view people on these kinds of sights, my prayers and love go out to you all...& I'm truly sorry for all the anguish you have gone through as a result of the JW CULT.
Hi Giordano, I didn't look at it like that, but I agree, I'm trying to gain their respect in writing to them.
Almost like going back to an abusive boyfriend, because you believe him when he says no one else will love you. You believe in the conditions that love has always had, because that's all we know in there as the comments above have stated.
Being so down trodden...you go back to fight for your survival because you haven't learned to survive by loving yourself.
Im needing them to think" oh she has a point" " that makes sense why she's left the org". So I can breathe and stop the thoughts of what there thinking of me of continuously running around my head. I can't hear what I need, what I want I survive on them excepting me making me a "real" person a "worthy" person who deserves to get her needs met even the very basic ones, by there exceptence of me.
This is how I've obviously been thinking, unconsciously.
I suppose going up in in the cult, stripped us of our own mind, only momentarily connecting with our needs/ wants and feeling like we were worthy of receiving when OTHERS considered us worthy enough.
However it was never enough, but it's seemed a possibility so we ran after the dream that appeared to be "Paradise" but in reality it was underdeveloped minds running after the carrot of our very own human right. To be loved for the unique individuals that we are. To be respected.
life passes so quickly as a JW, day in day out the same objective proving your worth to yourself and to others works hand in hand.
One day being on top of the world because you were out of the ministry for hours, coming back feeling like you can go to the gym, go out somewhere nice or even be context to laugh ( even though you didn't find a single person home),
the next day feeling like trash, when announced at the netting how a single sister with 4 kids, are all home schooled, shes pioneering with her 10 yrs old daughter..
It was never ending. No one could ever live up to it. The dangling carrot right underneath your nose. Just when you think your in reach of it, your delusional bubble gets snatched a way further.
They know you can't reach it so they have to keep making it feel like it your fault somehow. Letting us believe this takes the focus of them it appears that it's our fault we are not doing enough.
You don't have that sister up saying how hard she is finding it...her kids are distressed she's on anti depressants because she's finding it all to much trying to be perfect.
My mum and sister where doing same thing my mum would come back and not talk to anyone she was exhausted had to up her antidepressants and my big sister was hospitalised for an eating disorder soon after.
Every one would say how well they were doing, they would take all the praises and smile so widely and feel apart of the cong for a while and say it's with Jehovahs holy sprit were able to do this as they got pat on the back.
So young but I picked up on all the fakeness, it scared me I couldn't make sense of it all them...but I knew it wasn't loving. I would go door knocking and when someone seemed to listen to my mother I would say a prayer for them not to come in or be in next time we called, because I felt they were being tricked. I don't know how I could still pray, but I did.
Sorry I went off on a verbal rant...it's nice to get in all out though I've never spoke about this before but it was all locked up inside hidden from excepting these thoughts and perceptions.
Answer to your question Giordano, I had a study and believed it was the truth. I must have been so vulnerable, I just wanted love I suppose so I studied the book and at the time it seemed so reasonable...and the fact that I was a person chosen by Jehovahs I was good, worthy. My family's praise & "love" them rallying around me must have done the trick to convince me.
For a time it helped me build a bridge with my past, convincing me that my mum wasn't so bad, she was a chosen witnesses like myself "a special people".
I didn't want to be associated with that care kid from the past I cut her off...she was not worthy I had got it all wrong I didn't except the "truth" when I was younger I convinced myself that's why it all went so horribly wrong.
This brought pain to me so I cut that part of me away, I wanted to be worthy..I tossed the real me away like trash...the way my family had done years before. This was my new life now with my new family of "decent" people brothers and sisters. Finally I would have my mum and sisters back and they would see I was a good person so could finally love me.
I had a reason to want to live again motivated in life it made me feel Jehovah was helping me because I was in his Organisation. They commented on how much better my life was now I turned back to Jehovahs. It was better because I felt hope I would have a happy family I was holding on to this illusion from the day I went into Care.
I could not remain in there and be happy I relived the fakeness and that's not me...I was becoming to think and act like them and I struggled to sleep at night my conscience unsettled me, but wasn't sure why.
i look back and realise now I had sold out. I had sold my soul to them. To much of a high price to pay. I love people I always have I'm not good at connecting due to my up bringing but I can read people body language very well it's all that practise at the meeting when I was young trying to make sense of the mental confusion I was going through.
I am am going to write a letter, I won't mention the Org, the comments on here has made me realise it doesn't make sense, their not going to listen to me. However I am going to write about how we were treated as child, how that made me feel. It's not going to get white washed anymore. I doubt they will show it to the elders it won't put them in good standing. I don't have to mention doctrine but I can eclipse the lack of empathy..
My sisters have buried it so this might make them think about the Org...as part of being in there ....every thing is fake no real talk, they can't handle it because it brings them back to the real world of the living. I have helped enable them in living in this bubble but my sole intention is to get some form of closure so it's not swimming around in my mind...just this seem reasonable or do I come across bitter??
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Hurting
Thank you so much for all your heart felt comments. I didn't expect so many replies and such sincere support. I'm ashamed of how I used to view people on these kinds of sights, my prayers and love go out to you all...& I'm truly sorry for all the anguish you have gone through as a result of the JW CULT.Hi Giordano, I didn't look at it like that, but I agree, I'm trying to gain their respect in writing to them.
Almost like going back to an abusive boyfriend, because you believe him when he says no one else will love you. You believe in the conditions that love has always had, because that's all we know in there as the comments above have stated.
Being so down trodden...you go back to fight for your survival because you haven't learned to survive by loving yourself.
Im needing them to think" oh she has a point" " that makes sense why she's left the org". So I can breathe and stop the thoughts of what there thinking of me of continuously running around my head. I can't hear what I need, what I want I survive on them excepting me making me a "real" person a "worthy" person who deserves to get her needs met even the very basic ones, by there exceptence of me.
This is how I've obviously been thinking, unconsciously.
I suppose going up in in the cult, stripped us of our own mind, only momentarily connecting with our needs/ wants and feeling like we were worthy of receiving when OTHERS considered us worthy enough.
However it was never enough, but it's seemed a possibility so we ran after the dream that appeared to be "Paradise" but in reality it was underdeveloped minds running after the carrot of our very own human right. To be loved for the unique individuals that we are. To be respected.
life passes so quickly as a JW, day in day out the same objective proving your worth to yourself and to others works hand in hand.
One day being on top of the world because you were out of the ministry for hours, coming back feeling like you can go to the gym, go out somewhere nice or even be context to laugh ( even though you didn't find a single person home),
the next day feeling like trash, when announced at the netting how a single sister with 4 kids, are all home schooled, shes pioneering with her 10 yrs old daughter..
It was never ending. No one could ever live up to it. The dangling carrot right underneath your nose. Just when you think your in reach of it, your delusional bubble gets snatched a way further.
They know you can't reach it so they have to keep making it feel like it your fault somehow. Letting us believe this takes the focus of them it appears that it's our fault we are not doing enough.
You don't have that sister up saying how hard she is finding it...her kids are distressed she's on anti depressants because she's finding it all to much trying to be perfect.
My mum and sister where doing same thing my mum would come back and not talk to anyone she was exhausted had to up her antidepressants and my big sister was hospitalised for an eating disorder soon after.
Every one would say how well they were doing, they would take all the praises and smile so widely and feel apart of the cong for a while and say it's with Jehovahs holy sprit were able to do this as they got pat on the back.
So young but I picked up on all the fakeness, it scared me I couldn't make sense of it all them...but I knew it wasn't loving. I would go door knocking and when someone seemed to listen to my mother I would say a prayer for them not to come in or be in next time we called, because I felt they were being tricked. I don't know how I could still pray, but I did.
Sorry I went off on a verbal rant...it's nice to get in all out though I've never spoke about this before but it was all locked up inside hidden from excepting these thoughts and perceptions.
Answer to your question Giordano, I had a study and believed it was the truth. I must have been so vulnerable, I just wanted love I suppose so I studied the book and at the time it seemed so reasonable...and the fact that I was a person chosen by Jehovahs I was good, worthy. My family's praise & "love" them rallying around me must have done the trick to convince me.
For a time it helped me build a bridge with my past, convincing me that my mum wasn't so bad, she was a chosen witnesses like myself "a special people".
I didn't want to be associated with that care kid from the past I cut her off...she was not worthy I had got it all wrong I didn't except the "truth" when I was younger I convinced myself that's why it all went so horribly wrong.
This brought pain to me so I cut that part of me away, I wanted to be worthy..I tossed the real me away like trash...the way my family had done years before. This was my new life now with my new family of "decent" people brothers and sisters. Finally I would have my mum and sisters back and they would see I was a good person so could finally love me.
I had a reason to want to live again motivated in life it made me feel Jehovah was helping me because I was in his Organisation. They commented on how much better my life was now I turned back to Jehovahs. It was better because I felt hope I would have a happy family I was holding on to this illusion from the day I went into Care.
I could not remain in there and be happy I relived the fakeness and that's not me...I was becoming to think and act like them and I struggled to sleep at night my conscience unsettled me, but wasn't sure why.
i look back and realise now I had sold out. I had sold my soul to them. To much of a high price to pay. I love people I always have I'm not good at connecting due to my up bringing but I can read people body language very well it's all that practise at the meeting when I was young trying to make sense of the mental confusion I was going through.
I am am going to write a letter, I won't mention the Org, the comments on here has made me realise it doesn't make sense, their not going to listen to me. However I am going to write about how we were treated as child, how that made me feel. It's not going to get white washed anymore. I doubt they will show it to the elders it won't put them in good standing. I don't have to mention doctrine but I can eclipse the lack of empathy..
My sisters have buried it so this might make them think about the Org...as part of being in there ....every thing is fake no real talk, they can't handle it because it brings them back to the real world of the living. I have helped enable them in living in this bubble but my sole intention is to get some form of closure so it's not swimming around in my mind...just this seem reasonable or do I come across bitter??
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JWdaughter
Welcome. Many here have experienced abusive family in the Borg. I'm sorry for every one and it makes mine seem mild. Comparing g levels of abuse just shows what a sick culture we have left/,are leaving.
My best to you. I hope you find peace with knowledge and maturity.
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MicaSmith
Hurting, thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I think you are very brave. I do understand exactly what it feels like to have a parent, a mother, take away your siblings. The pain is exactly as you described. I want you to know that your pain has shaped something very special within you, it has given you compassion and a deep understanding of what it feels like to be treated badly. These qualities I am sure has helped you become an exceptional mother. Pain has a way of shaping inner beauty. You express those qualities very clearly.
Your Mom And The Other Witness Abusers: Like you, I am new to this forum but I can tell you that it is a very caring group of people. This is what support should be. Generally speaking unless a person has a mother who is cruel and abusive it is very hard to capture that reality because it is so outside the norm. Dr. Judith Herman wrote a book on this very issue. But, it is also true that persons who are compassionate are always willing to place themselves in a victim's situation.
Your mother's cruelty is both criminal and the opposite of bible standards. The fact that your mother attracted other abusive persons who also abused you shows that she sought validation and approval from persons she respected, as crazy as that sounds. It is all about validation, control, and power.This is one of the reasons she took your siblings away. She needed to separate you from the people you loved the most in the world, to force you to yield to her. But now you have your children and a new source of love. As one person suggested to me on this forum, it is best to change all your information and cut ties.
Abusive mothers have a way of leaking into your existence. They use others to make contact. In addition to that these mothers are much more calculated and cruel in their approach to control and power because they hide behind their femininity and "motherhood." Like you, my siblings and I also experienced poly-victimization. We experienced multiple forms of abuse, from different sources, some of those people were witnesses, and yes, they helped slander us too.
The smear campaign is meant to silence you. None of these tactics are original, this is what cruel persons do. And on a much larger scale it is what happens to anyone who reports abuse in KH around the world. This is what we are learning in news stories from respected international and U.S. journalist, thousands of children, thousands of situations, and not one word about it in the magazines. Instead victims are being blamed for being participatory in the crimes against them. It's sickening.
When your mom blamed you for her depression, that served to create sympathy for her among other witnesses because the one thing witness (in general) love to do is rally around the martyr. Your mom knew this and presented herself as the victim.
What does any of this has to do with God? Absolutely nothing!!!!! These are the behavioral traditions of men and women, and those who are false followers of christ are trying to push it down the throats of victims like bad medicine. I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself against so many forces of evil. By continuing to be strong your children will follow your pattern of strength and integrity. You recognized that and took the necessary action to protect yourself and your children. How could you stay in a toxic situation with so many forces beating down on you? You acted responsibly.
In terms of writing the letter to your family, you might want to first write a very encouraging letter to yourself and in it fully acknowledge your strengths, be compassionate, loving, and kind, and supportive to you. Keep that letter with you all the time in your purse. Read it when you feel badly, doubtful, or overwhelmed. The letter replaces all the nasty things said with beautiful thoughts your brain and heart build on. I did this and it has been very helpful to me because like you I have a lot to overcome.
There are also two books I am using to help me work through my challenges. The first is Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy, and Writing To Heal.
You may find that seeking out a good therapist can be very helpful. But if you cannot afford it right now there are still other free options. Basically you have experienced so much trauma that it is not fair to yourself to go through it alone. It is very brave though and inspiring to learn how hard you have worked on your challenges. I don't want to load down this comment with information but I can comment again with some links to resources you can use now. Just let me know if you are interested.
Remember to eat to support your brain. Depression can take over and ruin your mental health but if your physical brain is healthiest it can be you can reduce the depression. This free resource from the UK has helped me use food to reduce the sadness. It is called the Mind Guide To Food.
Wishing you the very best.