Confusing Good Sex as Love

Robdar

I will go for weeks, months, sometimes a year without sex. Then, if conditions are right and I am particulary attracted to a man, I will bed him. If the lovin' is good, I might bed him again. Heck, I might even begin to care about the man and want to get to know him a lot better. The problem is, that too many men confuse the good sex with falling in love when it ain't exactly that.

Now, in my younger days, I made the same mistake. But the men that I dated, who didn't "love" me in return, got me out of that habit. I don't know, maybe I became callous or colder because of my youthful experiences. Either way, I still do not see that love and sex need to go hand in hand. Certainly not to the point that marriage should be discussed between a couple before at least a year of dating. I have had my fill of flings taking on more significance than they should. I mean, how will you know if a fling is more than just that without dating each other for a while?

I have recently been told that I should loosen up a little and be more receptive to love possiblities.

How do board members feels about sex, love and flings? Am I alone in feeling that good sex does not need to lead to love? I am quite confused regarding this issue. I do know that the way I have been operating hasn't been too successful. I would like to fall in love one day and live happily ever after. Or, at least, a reasonable facsimilie thereof.

Any reasonable criticisms are welcome. I am off for work now....

Robyn

Stacy Smith

I have had some darn good sex without confusing it with love myself. But there are guys who seem to fall in love pretty easily. At least they've appeared to fall in love. Who really knows. I have also had guys seem to fall in love after a single date without even a goodnight kiss. They act all jealous when I won't go out with them the next night.

I look at love as something similar to what my parents have. I've never been that close to anyone as they are to each other. They are best friends, never jealous, lovers and more. I don't expect to have something like that in a brief period of time. It takes years even to get there.

I'm also in no rush.

Abaddon

Guys DO confuse sex with love; I remember the first really good bout of guilt-free recreational sex I had.

FANTASTIC.

At some point during, probably because I was looking like a love-struck calf, the lady I was with looked me in the eye and said, seriously;

"You're not going to do anything stupid like fall in love with me Gyles, are you?"

Fortunately it was all I needed to realise that a zipless fuck true love does not make.

I've seen it happen the other way round too though. I went out with a very sweet girl at Uni. She knew fully about my other girlfriends. One morning after celebrating the enjoyable and convenient fashion in which male and female bodies fit together, I caught her looking at me in the starngest way. We talked, and I found that despite herself, she found herself feeling for me in ways that simply weren't sensible. I told her if you spend loads of time with someone, have great fun, have good sex, and have just got out of a terrible relationship then it's completely natural to feel like that, which helped apparently, as six years later we are still best friends... but not lovers.

Me wandering down memory lane aside, you can have utterly great love free sex. And I do mean neighbour disturbing sheet-soaking sessions that leave all the posters that were pinned to the wall beside your bed ripped and torn and scars on your back (that end up getting you another girlfriend, but that's a different story), not just good sex. Stellar sex.

BUT, if you are emotionally suseptable, then this can make you feel like you are falling in love, when you are not. I think every guy has been cunt-struck at some point, I certainly have, and I equally know of girls who've been sexually enfatuated with guys.

Of course, I'm a changed man now, and only have one girlfriend whom I love very much... and that makes stellar sex sensational... fluffy old romantic that I am...!

Good luck and happy shagging whilst you seek that special someone.

teejay

>>>>>The problem is, that too many men confuse the good sex with falling in love when it ain't exactly that.

Robyn,

Don't take this wrong, but I like the way you think. Always have. Men have been saying the same thing you did ever since ... ever since ... well ... for a long time: "Good sex don't mean love, Baby."

Yerusalyim

Sex and love are different. You can have great sex without love...and the cool thing about love...it improves mediocre sex...a little.

Love isn't an emotion...though "falling in love" is. Love...the kind that makes marriage last...is a decision...a commitment...the thing that sticks folks together even when the emotion waxes and wanes.

Mindchild

I think this is an interesting topic Robyn because it reminds me of a discussion I heard on NPR last week about the topic of marriage not being such a good idea for reasons of just enjoying sex. We all know that in the Borg they encouraged people to get married to avoid the yearnings for the passions of the flesh. A lot of people in the outside world marry for reasons of sex, love, or both. One of the sad things though is that there is only a 30% chance that any marriage will last in this country. Why is this? Because many people mistake the loss of passion for each other and the lowering of the sexual flames to be a sign that the fire is going out, that they are no longer loved by their partner. They typically move on to another relationship to find that passion again. Some people find that they made a good choice and that, while there may not be as much passion as at the beginning of their marriage, that they are good friends and have respect for each other. Their love has transformed more into a companion type love. For some really lucky people, they manage to keep the flames of passion alive throughout their marriage. It suggests that for some, marriage is not the smartest choice, but that they would have more happiness being single with a large circle of friends, some intimate, some not.

I certainly can see a difference between enjoying sex and love. I find though for myself that sex is a bonding process and that the more I do it with my lover the better it gets and the more positive feelings it generates for both partners. It can lead to love, but I think a better strategy for someone looking for a longterm relationship is to concentrate on being great friends, knowing each other better, getting rid of our own emotional baggage, and developing the skills needed to make a relationship thrive (like good communication skills, etc.) If someone is not shopping for a relationship, then by all means enjoy your freedom to choose recreational sex or not.

Skipper

Skeptic

Good topic, Robyn.

Both men and women can mistake sex for love. This especially can happen if the person's personality type is NF.

The best sex is making love to your soulmate; nothing can beat when the hearts, minds, souls, and bodies combine.

However, sex and love are different for many people, especially those with NT or SP personality traits.

logansrun

Skeptic said,

However, sex and love are different for many people, especially those with NT or SP personality traits.

Would you care to expand on this comment? I'm an INTJ. (weak I, strong T)

Bradley

Francois

Believe it or not, falling in love is a decision. You DECIDE to fall in love, it's not something that happens to you, like falling into a river or something. It's a decision. Problem is, too many people make that decision with too little evidence on hand. And an ability to engage in gymnastic sex isn't evidence enough.

When I figure out what is enough, I'll let you know. But I'm not entirely sure I'm the guru in these matters.

SYN

Abaddon, gotta agree with you about the nail marks on the back. Very painful, but very nice at the same time! (Means you've done a good job...hehe...)

Confusing Good Sex as Love

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