I cannot stop thinking bad thoughts about my soon to be ex. I know that these thoughts are not Christ like or the way that other prophets have told us to be. This seperation and divorce is the first time in my life that I have given in to dark, malevolent thoughts and intent towards another human. I now know that I have been kidding myself for all these years--I just don't have the love needed to be a Christian.
These feelings are because he got Pwca, my Corgi, in the divorce settlement. Granted, he does have to pay alimony, my attorney's fees and all marital debt, but I would rather have had my dog instead of these material things. I will never get to see Pwca again. I will never pet or play or dance with my dog again.
The thing that stings the most is when the attorneys were trying to work out our agreement, Mike's attorney said to me that it was their opinion that I was trying to take the dog to be vindictive, that Mike says that I hate the dog and would mistreat him and not feed him. This, of course is nothing but hateful lies. All I wanted was to be able to see my dog.
To add more injury to insult, Mike then said that he would be glad to let me see Pwca every other weekend if I gave custody of Poppy, my little cat friend, over to him permanently.
I could have taken this to court, fought with him, pissed off the judge but what is the point? The judge said that he would not assign custody and whoever insisted on taking it to his courtroom would wind up paying for it. He wasn't specific about what he meant.
I hate Michael with a passion so dark that it hardens my heart and compresses it like a tiny, black pearl. I will never forgive this man. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THIS MAN.
I am so sorry, God, I just don't have the love needed to follow your example anymore. I pray that you will forgive me even though I cannot forgive Michael.