Handling anger badly

Billygoat

Last night Neil and I snuggled up on the sofa to watch a movie over a left over dinner. We had both worked late and were tired. We wanted to just relax and not think. My sweet hubby picked out the movie and we had our relaxing evening ahead to enjoy.

Anyways, about half way through the movie our cat pisses on a pile of clothes on our loveseat. His litter box is clean, but for some reason he likes to piss on clothes. Yes, the lesson Andi needs to learn is pick up the laundry and don’t let it lie around. But unfortunately I didn’t do that. And I lost it last night. I screamed and yelled for about 10 minutes straight. I yelled at the cat for pissing. I yelled at Neil for not doing something about it. I yelled at our other pets for getting in the way while I tried to clean up the mess. I was slamming doors as I put the cat in a pet carrier and washing the loveseat cushion covers and then finally mentally and emotionally shutting down in a pile on the sofa.

It is so embarrassing for me to lose my temper. I hate it. What I remember most about my father is his red rages…most of which he couldn’t remember later. He once asked me how I got scabs and welts on my legs. He had forgotten about beating me the previous day because I hadn’t taken the trash out in his office. Today, my parents deny ever having beaten me or my brothers. And last night screaming at Neil and our cat really bothered me. I’ve been in tears all morning. It made me wonder how good of a wife I’ll ever be. I’ve already failed one of these marriage things, what are the chances I’ll do it again? You know those people that fail marriage after marriage after marriage and are married six/seven times. Ugh. I'll shoot myself before I do that. It made me wonder how capable of parenting I am. I would rather NOT have children than be a parent anything like my father.

What is surprising to me is the amount of resentment I have today towards my parents and the Borg. It is because of them that I will always question my every emotion, whether it be positive or especially negative. I am angry at them for not having the guts to be their own people. I am angry at them for raising me in an abusive home. I am angry at them for raising me in a cult. I am angry at them for not accepting me as I am. I am angry at them for not loving me as a parent is SUPPOSED to love their child. I am angry at their shunning. I am angry that I am still hurting over abuse from 20 years ago. I am angry that I still have to deal with the old “tapes” that roll in my head. You know…the ones that say:

“You’re never going to amount to anything”

“You’re not worth of love”

“You don’t deserve to be happy”

“You will be just like your folks”

“Nobody wants you in their life”

“Don’t dare have children”

“God doesn’t love you”

It’s been almost 14 years since my exit. And I am realizing although the pain lessens…it will never go away. It’s like a war veteran that has lost his leg – the phantom pains of the missing leg are as bad as if the wound were truly there. And at times the pain flares up so badly and unexpectedly.

Sometimes the depth of my anger scares me…even if I seldom express it. I worry about what it will do to my husband. Will he regret marrying me? I worry about how it will affect my marriage. Will it break us up? I worry about how it will affect our future children. Will I be my father? I worry about how it will affect my health. I worry about others thinking I’m psycho. On an on and on…

I know my cat pissing on our clothes and loveseat is trivial. But the issue I struggle with is how I’m handling it. Not very good. I’m ready to give my favorite cat away because our loveseat and laundry is ruined. How can something this little bring up so much crap from deep within?

*shaking head*

I guess I just need to vent. Thank you for listening. I’m sorry to sound so crazy over something so small. May I add that the ironic humor behind this is the movie we were watching was "Anger Management" with Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson? I'd like to laugh about it, but the tears insist on their presence this morning.

Andi

obiwan

It is so embarrassing for me to lose my temper. I hate it. What I remember most about my father is his red rages…most of which he couldn’t remember later.

Billygoat, I can sooo sympathize with you. To a great degree we learn thing from our parents by what we see, and don't even know it. I have had the same type of "blowouts", over little things. One of the most important thing to keep in mind, is that you know it. This will help you in changing that, and you can change it. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't. It's hard, never easy, it just takes time.

I have been out for 13 years and I have come to alot of the same conclusions as you have. It's alot like my mother's death, the years help, but the sting will always be there.

As for your marriage and being a parent, all you can do is your best, sometimes that will involve change as well.

Now, go curl up in a nice bubble bath, and let the hubby watch the kids, he'll understand.

Aztec

(((Billygoat)))

I, too, had an abusive father. Sometimes, when my son is driving me insane, I feel that little bit of inner rage trying to get out. The key is to rationalize what you are feeling. Take a step back and (as corny as it sounds) count to 20. Put on relaxing music, call a friend or talk to your husband. When I think about my childhood I get angry too. However, I realize my parents thought they were doing what was best for me. Venting is one of the healthiest things you can do in my opinion. Sharing your feelings with others who know what you're feeling is the best thing you can do. I wish I lived closer cause I'd go and give you a real hug.

Take care!

~Aztec

Joyzabel

((((((Andi)))))

get some counseling. It will be worth it in the long run. Whether abuse from a high control group or parents, when you feel you are out of control, there are some hidden issues that must be addressed.

The problem is finding a counselor that you connect with, but start your search. You will be glad you did.

Hugs,

j2bf of the "hate it when the dog pees on the floor class"

ps, I was surprised this morning when talking witha neighbor how easy my emotions welled up in me when we discussed former friends (JWs) that she knows also. The tears just came and couldn't be stopped for a little bit. You're not alone in dealing with surpressed emotions. (((((Hugs again)))))

kgfreeperson

Well, for me it took a couple of years of therapy and I didn't have as much to deal with as you have!

El Kabong

Billigoat:

Everybody loses their temper from time to time. Particularly when you are very tired. Looking at the situation, you had a long day at work, you finally got home and were enjoying a pleasant evening of peace and quiet with a loved one just chilling and watching a movie. Then....BAM....the friggin cat pisses on clean laundry. Just when you think your work for the day was over, extra chores were thrust upon you. (Personally, I think there is nothing worse than cat piss!!!). We had a cat that used to pee in inappropriate places. I nicknamed her (very un-PC like) Lo Mein because I would swear that's what I would make out of her.

As long as it does not happen all the time, I would not be too concerned. Everyone needs to vent from time to time. As long as the venting does not go too far and you are not constantly taking it out on your loved ones. If you feel you have a problem, there are steps you can take to control your venting. As Joytobefree mentioned, there is counceling, there are drugs (not the illegal kind either), there are support groups. Or, there is just posting on this board and talking to people who have had similar experiences.

I hope all works out well for you

El K

Special K

Hey Andi..

Big hugs to you..

I had a rageaholic Dad, too.

but you know, I never did act like him.

I think your probably not like him either.

Sometimes Anger is good.

I found it hard to access anger for a LONG TIME.. because one person in the whole house claimed all of that emotion and nobody else had access to it. (Dad had dibs on the Anger emotion)..

I think it would be normal that your anger would feel rather scary and not normal.. perhaps you have been like me and had to shut that off for the first 30 years or so.

It appears to me (after my having kids) that they too get overwhelmed when they get really angry.. sometimes giving tantrums etc.. just overwhelmed with it sometimes too.

I think managing any emotion takes learning how to balance .. it.

The big thing, that i see that you have going for you is that you are AWARE!!

Your dad wasn't.. my dad wasn't. He would continue later as if it never happenned. So, then how could they learn to balance something they either didn't remember because of split personality or whatever or they just through themselves into denial to justify their actions.

Give yourself a hug, regroup.. talk intimately with your husband about how he felt about your outburst.

My dog sometimes pees on the couch when she is scared or startled.. and to tell you the truth.. Occasionally, I have been moderately upset and occasionally I have gone ballistic..(I think maybe I had some stored up anger and resentment against something else and the dog got the whole blast at once.)

All I know for sure is that going ballistic sure is draining.

Take care

(((ANDI)))))

special k

Odrade

((((Andi))))) Sometimes you just have to feel these things. Sorry you are going through it.

cruzanheart

Andi, the level of anger you felt should tell you there's something else bugging you (though the cat pissing on clean clothes is certainly worth a bit of a fit, in my opinion!). You need to find out what that is and deal with it. I've got that myself, and I'm trying to steel myself to open yet another Pandora's box to find out what's inside. It's hard to deal with but it will be worth it on the other side.

And don't worry about your darling husband. He married you for better or for worse, and you did too, so as I told my sweet Big Tex all those years of his therapy: "One day it will be your turn to help me." And he is! So marriage is all about giving and taking and sometimes we have to take more than we give, and that's okay.

Lots of hugs, sweetie!

Nina

Frannie Banannie

Andi, first of all, I know from my own experiences that we are somewhat "programmed" by our parents.....BUT....there are other avenues to explore before you "go down that road"....I blew ballistic alla time when I was going thru "mental pause"....and (double jeopardy) I also have hypoglycemia....of course, these, too, BOTH can affect a person's temperament and cause ya to come unglued at the least provocation....if it were me, I'd have a complete....did I say COMPLETE?.... physical checkup to see if anything's out of whack (hormones, blood sugar, etc.), then approach the counseling if ya don't find a way to even out with treatment of any physical ailment....

Hugs,

Frannie B

Handling anger badly

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