Handling anger badly

by Billygoat 24 Replies latest jw friends

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  Elsewhere

  (((( Andie )))

  We all need to vent sometimes... hell, there have been times that I did not handle my anger very well either. No one is perfect.
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  ESTEE

  (((((AWWWWW... honey)))))))

  I'm glad you shared this with us. Verbalizing ....acknowledging the anger is a wonderful brave step.... because you are facing the emotion. That helps bring it into perspective. I'm proud of you. Andi... I don't know if you would relate to my situation...

  However...when I was growing up in an abusive anger-filled home, it was dangerous for me to show my anger. I would have gotten a beating. So I grew up supressing it. As an adult, I supressed it until I blew up. Because the anger has to go somewhere after being compressed for so long. It is healthier to let it out than to direct it inward. Anger directed inward results in depression.

  I went into therapy after I had a melt-down in 1990...while attempting to be super-mom. Raising 2 teenage kids and living with an alcoholic husband who was no support to me...and holding down a ful-time job...and all the while trying to be a good dub, with the service and meetings and on and on...the super-mom scene took its toll on me...

  There are healthy ways of dealing with anger, I learned in therapy.

  I reparented myself. Instead of putting myself down, I built myself up. I started to catch myself when I was berating myself about some perceived failure. One of my famous ones was, "I'm not good enough!"...to be loved, to live, to get a good job, to have a nice home, to have a faithful husband...just about any aspect of life I would apply that "I'm not good enough" crap to.

  Lady Lee is one smart lady!!! I see that again and again on this board! What she said...about replacing the berating talk is right on!

  So I would catch myself and replace the negative self-talk with the exact opposite! After saying it hundreds of times, my subconscious started to believe it! Amazing!! The Universe says "Yes" to everything I declare about myself!!! If I believed I was unworthy, it was like the universe said, "Yes!" and it was so! As my therapy progressed...and when I began to consciously replace the negative self-talk with positive self-talk..the universe did an amazing thing! It supported my new declarations about myself!!! It said "Yes" again!...and it was so! Slowly I transformed myself and believed in my NEW self. My new self if happier and functional. I have a healthy self-esteem now! I'm following and trusting my intuition now. I believe in myself. I love myself. I have learned to trust myself and realize that I deserve a wonderfully happy and loving life! And today I declare the universe has declared it to be so!!! I know because I AM beyond happy!!! I feel like the universe has given me a second chance at happiness, since the dubisms had misled me so badly...into a melt-down position. I accept this second chance!!! What a wonderful gift I have given myself!!!

  Andi...I know that you will reach this place in your life, too. Because you are already on the path of healing, I see. So I believe in ya, sista! I am willing to chat with you any time if you want some moral support, honey. Private Message me and I'm there for ya, sweety!!! Believe in Andi!!! She is awesome!!!

  ((((Lotsa hugs))))

  ESTEE
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  beckyboop

  (((((((((((((((ANDI)))))))))))))))))) AMEN, I hear you as I'm sure many others here do also. We were NEVER taught that anger was a perfectly acceptable response, that it just needs to be expressed healthily...instead, many of us were beaten many, many times for our own parent's inability to express THEIR anger healthily. I have read many things about this myself because I too am slowly working on this--and one book I have found extremely helpful is Harriet Lerner's "Dance Of Anger". In fact, I think it's so good and it hit so home with me that I can only read it in small doses...and I'm not finished :) Thanks for sharing, because when someone puts those feelings and fears into eloquent words--it really strikes a chord inside. Hope you continue to work through it and share. Becky Becky
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  LittleToe

  (((((((((Andi))))))))))

  Sounds like you need to get him neutered...
  ...and the cat

  It also sounds like you have been overdoing it, which isn't surprising, as I know you've both had a lot on. Your reserves may be low.
  I hope you can get to chill out a bit, this weekend
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  LyinEyes

  Andi,,,,,,,,,,, I do that too more than I want to admit. Sometimes , the dog can poop on the floor after he has been let out and I just shrug about it........other times, breaking a glass can set me off. I know you have been under alot of stress lately, as I have to . Times like that seem to trigger our already overloaded brains, the chemical make up etc.

  Please try not to be so hard on yourself. I know that is easier sad than do, being raised in an abusive home. I can so relate to how your Dad beat you and tried so hard to break your spirit . He didnt thou, and you came out fighting,,,,,,,, I did that too. If I feel out of control over a situation or backed in a corner I want to fight , scream, cuss, or throw something. I think it all goes back to childhood abuse and although it has been many years since we lived at home , we have never really gotten over the hurt .

  Another thing about your situation that reminds me of mine growing up, was not just the physical abuse but the constant , daily belittling and brow beating by my father. After years of that kind of treatment, you start believeing that everything is your fault and that you will never be worthy of anything. All the high standards , lack of forgiveness for simple mistakes that our fathers put on us really broke our hearts ,,,,,, sometimes even our spirits were crushed ,,, but I know the fire in you, you still have your strong inner spirit that keeps you going . I think with me,,,,,,,,, I had to hold on to that , or I would have been a shell of a person, I would have given up , and many times I wanted to.

  It's ok Andi , to have a bad day, to lose your temper sometimes, to act in ways that you normally don't , because we are just human. We are not perfect , we are going to make tons of mistakes. I know in my childhood there was absolutely no room or excuses for any mistakes. We have to learn that we can make a mistake, do what we have to , to make it better and try to work on things if there is a problem.

  The borg also taught us how to punish ourselves, with guilt, self doubt, in that we condemned ourselves for our so called flaws, maybe not enough time in service etc.

  Growing up JW, and with Father's like we had, it is no wonder we have anger issues at times.

  I have even laughed at myself when I got mad and threw a shoe across the room because of the sink being stopped up for the 5th time. I think I did that because I JUST COULD!!!!!!!!!! No one was going to beat me for showing my butt , ya know, I after all of these years , had the right to be angry , to be just pissed off, something my father would never allow. He wouldnt even stand for a dirty look , or a direct look into his eyes,,,, my head had better be lowered in a humble way or eles it was being defiant.

  Andi, I think Neils knows all about your Dad, for the most part and he will understand. Denny and I have been married for OMG.......I had to count............19 years and he has watched me show my self in so many ways..........but he understands why, and pretty much stays out of my way!!!!!!! LOL

  Hang in there girl,,,,,,,,,,, you are a good wife,,,,,, you are a great friend, and a great person........do lke I do,,,,,,,,, get a punching bag...............hehe.

  Hugs, Dede