by Out At 22 27 Replies latest social family
Oh my God, you must be very brave to do that!!! I have one step daughter and she never meet with her real father, she left her when she was 1 year old. She is with me since she was 5 more than 11 years together, but still she asks her mother about her father, what he was like and many other staff that she never asks me.
PersonalIy I tried her like my daughter
U R Brave!
At 22 I became a step-dad to a 2 year-old. I now know I should have made sure that my x-wife (big clue there as to how things went) views on raising kids was similar to mine.
She was over protective, but would rather spank than scold. Huh? Okay, she was in a screwy cult to, but... huh?
She also almost deliberately tried to stop me developing my own relationship with the boy, as she wanted me to have the same relationship with the boy as she had.
We split up over ten tears ago; I have a good relationship with my x-stepson, better than with my x-wife!
Essentially, talk, talk, talk to your partner about various scenarios, if you haven;t already done so. If you are going to have to second guess whether your standards are okay all the time, it will undermine your relationship. Either you have to accept your partner's rule is THE rule, or (far better) you have to agree with each other what the 'law' is, and NEVER let the kids use the fact one of you is a natural parent and the other isn't to their advantage. If they do so, it is the PARENT'S fault.
Good luck!
Welcome out at 22!
My soon-to-be-ex-husband has two wonderful girls, 21 and 17. The 17-year-old lived with us when she was 14/15, but then moved back to Texas to be with her Mom and sister. She never gave me a moment's problem. Now that my husband left, the girls are so completely supportive of me (strange considering they are JW's and I am, of course, a "worldlygirl".) They won't even return his phone calls, but they talk to me almost every day. It's really hard for me not to say anything negative about him to them... although it isn't really necessary... they already know what a b@stard he is. I still sign all my cards and e-mails to them "Your Wicked Stepmother" just for laughs!
Good luck, especially if you are the "custodial step-mother". Always be respectful of their Mom's position in their life. It will make things easier for everyone. By the way, their Mom, his ex-wife, has also been very supportive of me since the split! She has always appreciated that I never tried to take her place with either of the girls.
Best Wishes,
Worldlygirl
I was raised by my mother and step father. He is the greatest guy I have ever known. I have thanked him often for coming into my life. He made me feel like I was accepted and never treated me different from his only child...my baby sister. He used to hate to punish me, he would though, but I could tell he didn't like it! A child needs the unconditional love of a caring adult. I would have no problem looking after some other mans child/children. I have seem blood that treated their own like crap and a step parent who truly loved the little person under their charge. If you don't make it an issue, it won't be! Children put up a front, love them inspite of this act. Inside they are terrified...remember this. See past the surface. Maverick
yup, been a step mom since I was 19 in both first and second marriage. It can be wonderful and it can be dreadful. Wonderful because you get free kids-not 1 minute of labor. I love my step daughters I cannot imagine my life without them.
but the down side is this: sometimes I feel sad because their Mom is their Mom. Its just that simple.
It is VERY important that you support their relationship with their biological mother. NEVER say an unpleasant word about their mother. You may have to stifle yourself because it is natural to have jealous or hard feelings toward her. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of this. You cannot let it suffice to hold back unkind words or actions toward their mother, you must actively support the relationship. This will be hard.
Get to know her and let her know that you will not try to undermine her in any way. I have done this in both my marriages and it works, if you are in her corner, she will be in yours. You are stuck with each other for life so make the most of it.
Let the kids know that you will not be used if they are mad at their mother. Kids are great but they will use.
If the kids ever give you a hard time, call their mother and get hints and suggestions. I am assuming it is a divorce situation.
Ask her what they like to eat, use her as a resource, make her your ally.
pm if you need advice, I've been at this a long time. My step kids range in age from 33 to 26.
Deb
I have just recently started making myself get along with the BM (biomom) as it is too dangerous for my health to have so much anger and hatred for her. She is a 15 y/o in a 31 y/o's body. It's sad. She has chosen to not work....she has worked 3 months in the last 2 YEARS. Because my BF pays royally.....and her daycare is 100% paid by my BF and the County. She can't tell the girls no even if it's what she needs to do. She is a peer instead of a parent.
I would LOVE to have bio kids. But do to infertility issues and all my BF's money going out to BM we will have to wait at least 4+ yrs till we can try.....but we'll have to spend $15K to do that with no gaurentee.
I have to dash off to work.......talk later!
Jessica
It is definitely hard when that money is going out the door. I have been on both sides of that fence too, so I know how it feels. But the bottom line is that the kids come first. The whole idea of child support is that children deserve what BOTH parents can give them even if the parents divorce. The children are young and so are you and you have a very long road ahead of you.
I am going to be brutally honest with you. I hope you understand. You simply do not have the right to be angry about the money that is going out the door. But please believe that I understand. I really do. This is the start of a whole new life for you, but it is not a whole new life for your husband to be, the children or his ex. They have a past and a future together because they had children.
It may be difficult, but try to put yourself in her position and don't judge her abilites as a mother. If you support the relationship between the kids and their mother they will love you for it, I guarantee it. You may not get instant gratification here but the gratification will come. These kids will grow up and know what you did for them. It is so very wonderful to have a deep and loving relationship with step kids. Mine are adults now and have families of their own and I have four beautiful grandchildren with them.
Last night one of them came to dinner with her husband and sister and brother and law who are visiting from out of town and of course the kids, we had a wonderful dinner and lots of love and laughter. AND the phone call from her mother. She finds an excuse to call everytime the kids come over. I just grin and bear it. Because I have supported the relationship with the Mom, I have nothing to regret and no axes to grind and that makes it so much easier.
Early in my relationship with my husband the Mom was very upset because she thought that I would interfere with things. So I called and told her not to worry, that I would support her in every way I could and that is what I did. She is their mother and that is a sacred bond, she gave them life.
Deb
I'm a step-dad! That's how I came to be associated with JW's though never one myself...My wife and one step son were JW, two Step Sons still are JW.
I get along ok with BioDad...under different circumstances we might have been friends.
Yes, step mom to a 13 year old boy. I got him at 7, so we've trained each other - lol. Bio mom is a looney tune, however I stay as far away as possible from her. I have no respect for her as a person, for myriads of reasons. I try not to say anything negative in front of my stepson - just hurts him in the long run.
