Can we forgive our parents?????????? (page 2)

yxl1

For over 10 years I've tried but I just cannot forgive either of them.

gumby

Ray and Dansk show two different opinions of their parents.

I don't think anybody can ask another to forgive someone they think they should forgive, when none of the facts are known by the other individual.

Everybodys pain is at different degrees and the damage to each individual varies. A stranger cannot tell us more about a parent we might personally detest, than we can. Some parents were just plain heartless and wicked.....and if a child sees them as such.........then that's their choice.

Gumby

Dansk

A stranger cannot tell us more about a parent we might personally detest, than we can. Some parents were just plain heartless and wicked.....and if a child sees them as such.........then that's their choice.

Gumby,

Yes, it's a personal choice. My point is that to move on one has to put it all behind. I hated - REALLY HATED - what my dad did to me, but now I don't think about the hate but only pity for him. I have been able to move on. And, yes, if we ever meet again, I'd like dad and I to share the love we never had as father and son.

Dansk

teenyuck

I like gumby's statement.

So many people make others feel guilty for not forgiving....like we are somehow subhuman for not being a Dr. Phil and giving in to our better side.

I don't want to forgive. I have no reason to forgive. My father was a loser. He abandoned his first two daughters (me and my sister) then pretty much did the same with his two sons who came 18 years later. He had too many years in between to learn how to be a good father. He just did not want to be.

My mother called us *milstones around her neck*. We were always in the way of her scheming and conniving.

Now, she is worried about being old and alone and wants to *rebuild* a relationship with me. She admitted to me she does not want to die old and alone. A little to late to be telling me that she loves me. She suddenly realized that armageddon is not going to be around to save her and I might have to wipe her butt when she starts to fail. (my sister has a brain tumor and is not expected to outlive our mother....)

Between lies, JW ongoing crap, family ongoing crap, childhood crap, why would I / should I have / build a relationship with someone I don't like?

Someone tell me why?

Nosferatu

I can't forgive either of them unless they admit to the harm that they've caused me. I get along a lot better with my mother now than I did between the ages of 0 to 18. I'd like to forgive her, and I've tried to work everything out with her, but she denies the abuse she inflicted upon me. Apparently, she only hit me once. That throws me into a rage, and I need to leave when I hear that.

As for my father, he's incredibly closed-minded. Because of him, I'm having a difficult time moving out ---- for the second time. If it were up to him, I'd be living at home for the rest of my life, being completely dependant on him. I cannot forgive that man for getting printouts of my bank account after I moved out.

The way I see it, everyone has the opportunity to deal with the issues they've had with their past. If they don't push themselves to do self-improvement, they aren't excused from the behaviour they aquired before they had kids. My thoughts anyway.

frenchbabyface

when you know that they have been screwed up ... YES

Mulan

Mine did the best they knew how, but they were both emotionally abused people. For the most part, I had a good childhood, even being raised as a JW. I give much credit to very loving grandparents (my grandfather beat my father badly, but was a sweet old man and very loving in his old age), and a large extended family. I always knew I was loved by a lot of people, even if there was a lot going on at home that wasn't comfy. My mother has a personality disorder, and Dad would leave for a couple of days to get away from her, and so would my older brother. I grew up feeling I had to take care of my mother. I still am aren't I? And she still has that weird personality, but she is my Mom too.

As for forgiving, the only thing they did that needs forgiving is learning to be JW's, and I am not so sure they are to be blamed for that. It was attractive to them and meant a lot to them, especially my mother.

Mom is 91 today (her birthday), and Dad will be 90 in December. They are too old and frail to hold a grudge against them for anything.

Valis

Hrrrmmm...I always have the problem that they never accept responsibility for the things that have led to the wrecking of the family unit. Whenever I confront them they either say..."we were doing the best we could"...or that they "are not perfect..." This gets even older as time goes by. So what does one do? Forgive them? Or allow the same kind of delusion that got them where they are now? Tough call for me anyway..

Sincerely,

District Overbeer

waiting

Steve Hassan made a great point at his cult seminar in CA last spring. IF we can find a way to visualize the person opposite us even in a different time era - then use that visualization to find a way to communicate....or at least find peace.

For instance, he has a father who was very aloof with him (most likely a reason he was open to the Moonies.) Even after leaving the Moonies, he couldn't find a way to really communicate with his father. He visualized him as a young boy (at whatever age son was comfortable communicating with his father's image) - and mentally communicated that way, using visualization.

I had a major problem with that and was bold enough to argue the point with him.....what if your father (my father) was our major enemy and we didn't WANT to communicate. Hassan held his stance - but didn't realize that I was talking about personal sexual abuse. The idea upset me so much, I had to leave, hiding as usual, having a semi-panic attack....and my lovely husband, as usual, found me, and gave comfort.

Thankfully there was a therapist in the audience who could see where Hassan was - and where I was mentally/emotionally. As soon as we came back in, I talked about it privately with her - and she made a brilliant observation.

1. Hassan was suggesting make a communication bridge with someone who's not a sworn enemy - but had issues with.

2. Hassan never mentioned trying to mend communication with Rev. Moon - his sworn enemy.

There's a quiet, yet brilliant (imho), movie called Antwon Fisher - based on true story. Please rent it?

The psychiatrist dealing with him (due to major anger issues) suggests he finds his mother who abandoned him. He does. But in order to do that, he has to come into contact with two women who sexually and physically abused him most of his childhood.

The way he interacts with his mother and these women is the crux of this issue, imho. I won't give away the ending...............but it's well worth viewing. A lot of thinking material.

There are all kinds of ways of establishing boundaries, and freedom of some boundaries.

Take care.

waiting

Btw, I raised up 3 great kids who left the jw's before my husband & myself.

When I stopped reading, ranting & raving ('bout 6 months) about the jw's - I wrote an apology to all my kids for raising them in a cult. I also talked to each one of them, thanking them for helping us out, and again apologizing. I just didn't know....otherwise, I would have left earlier.

waiting

Can we forgive our parents??????????

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