Can we forgive our parents??????????

by LyinEyes 57 Replies latest forum announcements

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  LyinEyes

  I just wanted to add a point about forgiveness and my father. I have forgiven my Mother for her years of neglect and drug abuse, she was ill.......she was depressed most of her life, she was a very sad person because of many reasons, besides a chemical imbalance and chemical dependancy. My father was part of the problem.

  I haven't forgiven my dad totally on what he has done to me all those years and continues to do, but the point of my post last night was that even if there is no room for complete forgiveness , just for a moment when they were very young, seeing that they were not ready to be parents, I had a little more understanding. I know when most of us have kids we have no idea what we are getting into, but we do the best we can.

  Not everything in my childhood was terrible, unlike some of you had things alot worse than I can not even imagine. There were many good times,,,,,,,simple things, time spent as a family, the things they did for me, I am grateful that I had those good times , even when the bad times were there too.

  I still havent forgiven my dad for many things then and now,,,,,,,,but as I said there are things that I can understand a little better about why they acted the way they did, even thou they shouldnt have taken it out on me.

  I really appreciate all of your replies , there is a great variety of feelings and some really deep feelings in each one of your post.

  Last nite, I was just looking at their pictures at such a young age and wishing that I could talk to them again. Even thru the terrible things, I still miss them. Just the thought of running into my dad by accident someday makes me scared of falling apart and crying in front of him, something I dont want to do.

  Forgiving him for everything , probably will not ever happen, since I am dead in his eyes, I will never have the chance to hear him at least try to act sorry for what he has done. But that is something that I am working thru, trying to move on, but sometimes,this time of year , his birthday coming up and time clicking away,,,,,,I feel sad about it all.

  Just wait in a few days I will probably be on my rant and rave about never forgiving him!!!!!!!!!! LOL

  But I do think it is not necessary to forgive anyone ,to really move on, it works for some people, sometimes you can forgive just a little of the things they do without totally wiping the whole slate clean. There are just some things that can not be forgiven, and certainly not forgotten. Especially when that person is still alive and well, and chooses to ignore you, that kind of hurt makes it almost impossible to not be angry and sad.

  Thanks for listening, you are a great group of understanding people ,,,,,,,,,,,hugs Dede
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  gumby

  There are so many things to learn from this thread it's impressive... and quite a deep issue.

  Dede,

  I think you summed up this entire matter in this thread at least as I see it. You said this....,

  But I do think it is not necessary to forgive anyone ,to really move on, it works for some people, sometimes you can forgive just a little of the things they do without totally wiping the whole slate clean. There are just some things that can not be forgiven, and certainly not forgotten.

  That was quite powerful.

  Waiting has demonstrated the terribly DEEP HURT from her own father that wasn't a slip on his part, but a willful ongoing practice, that she will never ever forget.......and I can certainly sympathize with that!

  For me to read some of these stories I have learned something. I was never treated that way, and cannot imagine what it must feel like to a kid, to have their own parent treat them in such a way. I could NEVER feel right about telling them or asking them........to forgive their parent for such a thing as that.

  You might learn to get along later in life, and maybe not.......but to forgive and let it go.......that's for the victim to choose.

  Gumby
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  kls

  Both my parents are dead ,and after raising four kids i can never forgive what my parents had done.I dont dwell on it, i just maked sure i raised my kids with love and an open mind not an open fist.
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  Badger

  The only way we can truly be in a posiiton to forgive our parents is to not repeat their mistakes with our own children
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  waiting

  well thank you, Gumby.

  I've been out of therapy for around 8 yrs now. I used to use imagery a lot back then. Even in my own imagination, I could never get my dad to admit what he'd done. He & I were literally on opposite sides, with no communication - just my rage & his cruelty. Back then, in my imagination - I was as cruel to him, or worse, than he had ever been in real life. A way to work out some anger - without a death penalty for me.

  But after the worst of the rage died down some years later, I was still lacking. It wasn't that I wanted to have a relationship with them (they were dead)....I was lacking. I have great affection for the younger parts of myself who live in a safe place (and I know this is imagery) - I've taken all my animals that my father killed inside that place, even great pets I've had which just died. I took my kid brother there who was raped & he, in turn, raped- but long before that age, when he was just a dumb little kid........and finally, my dad, before he was old enough to hurt others, but after he was shamed and hurt by his own cruel parents, just another dumb little kid surrounded by other hurt kids and some really great pets. They understand each other.

  That's how I made a sort of peace with a small part of my father.....before he hurt and killed living things.

  There's a world of difference between forgiving someone....and just letting go. Finally, I chose to let go & make a sort of peace somehow for myself. But with my parents as adults? Most likely never. I can refrain from violence towards their memory now. I think that's as good as it gets for me.

  Thanks for acknowledging this thread - it's good we think about it.

  waiting
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  Lady Lee

  When my father died in 1999 I found this picture of him (below). It was taken just after my 5th birthday.

  He looks like a nice man; handsome even. Very presentable.

  Normally he didn't look like this. He was a mechanic most of his life so looked pretty grubby. I don't recall seeing him ever in a suit. I actually have other pictures of what he usually looked like. When I think of "Daddy" this is my image in my head. This was taken before the sexual abuse started. Even so he was a scary man, full of rages and very violent.

  My father was 10 years older than my mother when they married (28 and 18). Both had come from severely abusive homes. I can feel sorry for what they went through. It was pretty bad. But they took that and repeated it on their children with no concern for the damage they were doing. Neither parent has ever apologized for physical and emotional abuse. He certainly never aplogized fro the sexual abuse. In fact the only time we ever spoke of it he said "If you think I"m going to apologize, you're crazy."

  Ray you took the words off my fingers. Are you positive you aren't my brother?

  I can't forgive. They never asked and they never changed. My mother is still abusive. So much so that even her sister who has become a JW doesn't like her and refuses to spend time with her.

  I have let go of the resentment. To me the two are very different. There are some things that are unforgivable. I have to wonder how many of you (who say you can forgive everything) would forgive someone who raped your child? And not once but over and over. Well many of us were the child.

  Some people seem to not realize how premeditated an act like sexual abuse of a child is. How do you just forgive someone who plans to get a child alone, makes them too scared to tell, makes sur eno one will "catch" him in the act, abuses them and then sits and plans how to do it again and again and again - for years sometimes. Are they sick? YES. Are they criminals? YES But we had to live with them every day and get up the next day and pretend nothing ever happened. For years. Sometimes for a lifetime before people feel safe enough to talk.

  waiting I understand where you are coming from. Some things are just too much too forgive. Let go of OK but not forgive
• 

  SanFranciscoJim

  I have forgiven my Mother for her years of neglect and drug abuse, she was ill.......

  My father was a cold, unemotional, distant man. He was also an alcoholic, and suffered from mental illness which worsened with age.

  For years, I was unable to forgive my father for what he put our family through, until one day it dawned on me that he hadn't filled out a questionnaire before he was born and checked the "yes" box next to the question Do you want to be mentally ill? He was doing his best to play the hand he was dealt, and all too frequently lost the battle. It was not his fault.

  Several years before he died, I learned to accept him for who he was. I taught him to hug, and to say "I love you". I accepted him back into my life unconditionally. I am eternally grateful for the reconciliation, and miss him very much. I wish he were still alive. Neither of my brothers ever reconciled with my father. I pity them. They lost the opportunity to get to know a brilliant, caring man.
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  Big Tex

  Good post gumby.

  waiting, you are a fantastic mom. I'll have to check out that movie. Is it an older movie or fairly recent?

  Good for you Dede. You sound as if you are finding peace, and that is very important. Reconciling the past is part of that peace.

  just for a moment when they were very young, seeing that they were not ready to be parents

  Yeah I know what you mean. I went through something similar when I was in therapy. I ran across some pictures of my parents that I had never seen before and I was struck by how different they looked, and, like you, I felt a deep pang knowing what was coming in their lives and then the evil they would visit upon their children.

  I think forgiveness is an intensely personal issue. I believe there are some acts that are so hideous, forgiveness becomes irrelevent. I also believe there are some people that are so toxic, so nasty and so horrible to be around, a relationship is just not possible. My birth family are people like that. I haven't had dealings with them in 15 years. I even went as far has having my name legally changed.

  Like Lady Lee, I've let go of the anger and bitterness, but I have not forgiven. I don't live in the past, but I don't want to forget what happened. It's part of who I am, and I feel a duty to the future to raise my children knowing what is in their past. Knowledge is power, and so what they know they can prevent.
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  Lady Lee

  BT

  I even went as far has having my name legally changed.

  I have legally changed my name too. The really weird thing is that all of my 4 siblings have also adopted different names other than the ones we were given and grew up with although they have not legalized it.
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  Big Tex

  Wow, funny you say that LL. The only other male in our extended family had his name legally changed. The Presley name, at least this branch, dies out. Thank God, it will not be missed.

  I think it says something about the pathology and sickness of our families doesn't it?