Sorry that I am a bit grumpy :(

by caspian 31 Replies latest jw friends

  • drwtsn32
    drwtsn32

    Learn by Dave Barry

    1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
    2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
    3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
    4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
    5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
    6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
    7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
    8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
    9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
    10. If there really is a God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
    11. You should not confuse your career with your life.
    12. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
    13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
    14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command; very often, that individual is crazy.
    15. Your friends love you, anyway.
    16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
  • Flowerpetal
    Flowerpetal

    Texans in Heaven


    Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

    The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."

    The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."

    The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do foryou?"

    The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

    The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

    After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

    The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

    The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord."

    This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said ,"I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning.

  • Angharad
    Angharad

    Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

    Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

    The burglar stopped dead again. Frightened, he frantically looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

    He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot.

    The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

    "Clarence," said the bird.

    "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

    The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

  • worldlygirl
    worldlygirl

    Caspian, look at my puppy in my new pic. That will make you smile!!!! (Works for me anyway.) By the way, PM me and let me know when you will be in Orlando.

  • caspian
    caspian

    Your puppies look great WG. and the dog looks nice too......lol.

    Orlando in Jan.

    Ang. love the parrot :)

    Cheers

    Cas

  • tinkerbell82
    tinkerbell82

    A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hail storm. The hail stones were as big as golf balls and her car gets dented up really bad. The next day she takes it in to a repair shop to have the dents looked at.

    The repair guy noticing that she is blonde and quite dingy when she speaks, decides to have some fun and tells her to blow into the tail pipe of the car really hard when she gets home, and that doing this will cause all of the dents to pop out.

    When she gets home she starts blowing into the tail pipe as hard as she can, over and over. Just then, her best friend who also is blonde shows up. Her friend sees her blowing into the tail pipe and is quite startled by the action. She blurts out all flippantly, "What are you doing!?"

    She tells her the repair guy told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.

    Her girlfriend says "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

    Hugs, from one blonde to another ;)

  • caspian
    caspian

    ((((tink)))))) ROFLMAO.

  • Frannie Banannie
    Frannie Banannie
    Sorry to hear you're glum, Cas...maybe this'll help a little: > Subject: The Urine Analysis
    > >
    > > THE URINE ANALYSIS............ One day, in line at
    > > the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him:
    > > "My elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a
    > > doctor.
    > > "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"
    > > Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the
    > > corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the
    > > computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
    > > about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten
    > > dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
    > > So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and
    > > takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars,
    > > and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
    > > sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits.
    > > Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a
    > > printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
    > > water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
    > > weeks.
    > > That evening while thinking how amazing this new
    > > technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer
    > > could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
    > > sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
    > > daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and
    > > masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack
    > > hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the
    > > results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his
    > > concoction, and awaits the results.
    > > The computer prints the following:
    > > 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
    > > 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
    > > 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her in to rehab.
    > > 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    > > 5. Your Volvo needs repair.
    > > 6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
    > > get better.
  • drwtsn32
    drwtsn32

    Cas...maybe a video clip of me laughing will help cheer you up!

    My heartwarming laugh

  • tinkerbell82
    tinkerbell82

    that clip rocks dr!!!!!

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