Greetings everyone. I first posted to this board as "Truman" about 2 months ago. It was a time of deep depression, confusion, fear, and paranoia for me, as I had just 3 weeks before discovered that everything I had believed for 27 years was only a pipe dream.. Everyone was very welcoming, but after only a few posts, I got so afraid I had to stop. I was fearful of revealing too much, being somehow discovered, and of the possibility of saying the wrong thing, incurring the ire of my betters here. I changed my name because the other one seemed to cause gender confusion, as it is a male name and I am not (a male that is).
Anyway, I would like to tell a little about myself and the new journey in life that I have begun. I was baptized as a witness in 1974, at the age of 19. I have raised 2 sons (now in their 20's) as witnesses. One was a pioneer out of HS, a ministerial servant at 18, went to Bethel for a year, came home and got married, and is now a very devoted and happy witness with wife.
The other is also a very good young man, but has chosen a different path. Always a thinker, he asked at 6 years of age, "How do we know we have the right religion?" He remained a witness until 21, when he was removed by the elders from a job at the KH which he valued. The reason was insufficient service time, not irregular, just not enough.. After that, the doubts and misgivings he had for years coupled with this rejection based on numbers not behavior was too much, and he left.
As for me, I have always been a less than joyful witness. Service seemed designed to torture me, as I am basically shy and do not like to push my opinions on others. From the first one I attended, meetings were boring, intellectually numbing, and something to be borne with grim determination. And assemblies were a trial, as I hate being in crowds. One might wonder how I could spend nearly 3 decades feeling like that. What can I say? I thought it was the only right thing to do, and if it was painful for me, well that was my own failing, but I was doing the best for my children. All that, and mind control too!
After my younger son left the "truth", I became extremely depressed. I had failed as a parent, and how could I be happy in paradise knowing my beloved child was not there. Also the lack of concern for my son by the cong elders greatly distressed me. Enter the Internet! One afternoon, I was looking for info on Multi-level marketing (mlm) with Jw son. He had been approached and I wanted to show him how they work and suck people in. We found a web page which referred to Amway, and also to the WTS both as Borg. As long time Star Trek fans we knew the referrence, but could tell that this was APOSTATE information! He said he did not want to look at that, so we clicked away. Having always been very curious about just what those clever, devious apostates had to say, (but staying away from it like a good little witness till now) I could not resist sneaking a peek a few days later. I had always thought that I would find a lot of disgruntled wrongdoers trying to justify themselves and a lot of scripture twisting. But that is not what I found.
I started reading, but got a little scared, so I went back to the mlm info. I began to read a document which listed mind control techniques these groups use to control and manipulate members, and it all began to sound disturbingly familiar. I suddenly saw why I was depressed all the time. Identifiable, quantifiable mind control techniques were being used on us as witnesses. I thought, if the WTS had the truth, would it really need to be enforced by these methods? I kept reading at freeminds and other sites for 2-3 hours, and at the end of the session, it was as if everything I had believed had evaporated in front of my eyes like a mist. I knew I could never view any of it the same. Since then I am online reading everything I can find on the WTS.
My whole world was upended, and I had to begin rethinking my world view from ground zero, but the most distressing thing was how to deal with the JW son. I was in agony over the possibility of losing him. I finally decided to tell, and he was stunned and confused. It was the worst day of my life, but we have reached a state of equilibrium now. I still go to most meetings, as I do not want him to suffer the questions and pity, and I am trying to fade away very slowly.
Things are better now, but this whole recovery thing looks like a very long term project. I have begun covertly attending an exjw support group, and it is very helpful, but I feel a little like a secret agent on a mission! And there is the tendency to feel guilty for the "double life". Also I have been corresponding privately with a couple of your resident posters, and that has helped me get my spirit up a little. Hi Riz and Patio34!
I have been reading this board everyday, and I enjoy all the viewpoints and interchanges, and look forward to joining in. Just please be gentle with me, 'cause I have a hard time with rejection (sure made being in the door-to-door work fun)! Thanks for listening.
LostMyReligion