I got my nerve up, gonna try this again!

by LostMyReligion 28 Replies latest jw friends

thinkers wife

WELCOME to the board T/LMR,
That has got to be the absolute coolest way I have ever read that someone has found out the truth about the truth. Way to go!!! Speaks to me of intelligence and a mind that was open all along but just didn't know it.
I can relate. My partents and two of my brothers and their wives are still in the Borg. I am dealing with the backlash of da'ing myself in June of 2000.
Everyone has to handle their circumstances their own way. Only you can know the right things to do with your sons.
Good luck to you!!! I believe your name will be Found the Light someday!!! (your own personal way!! what works for you!!)
TW
Marilyn

Dear LMR, I don't post much but I've been active on the internet for about 6 yrs. You must be about my age (I was baptised in 1971 aged 18, so I'm two years older than you). I didn't last as long as you and became very disillusioned by Dec 79' just after my second child was born. My time in had been very productive though. I'd rallied my family into joining and becoming active, converted my boy friend, and a girl I worked with along with my school friend neighbor. They all remain 'in' to this day. My husband and I were disfellowshipped in 1981 for apostasy, because we no longer believed (it was a little unfair as we'd quietly slipped away). Our freedom from the WTS has been wonderful, especially as we've been able to raise our two children sensibly and without the chains of control and ignorance. I lost my family though and that has been a cruel and harsh consequence of walking away. My parents have tried to keep both sides happy, and they have had some horrific health problems which I put down to the stress of their intolerable situation. It's inconceivable to me that a religion can be the cause of so much pain. Had I not see it for myself I would never have believed it.
Your story touched my heart. I have read so many stories such as yours. They are all equally tragic. I don't want to depress you, I just want you to know that you are in a 'great crowd' that has walked this path before you. None of us have found it easy, yet of all the stories I've read and people I've chatted to, none are sorry to be out. We can lament the time we lost, but we must be glad of the time we have left to live a normal, happy and productive life. I don't think any of us will truly get over believing we were special members of God's chosen few, but the company of wonderful people who know how it feels is a compensation I had never anticipated. This last 6 yrs of meeting others (in cyber space and in the flesh) has helped to take some of the edge off the sadness. I really hope you get as much pleasure from our cyber space buddies as I have done.
all the best to you
Marilyn
emyrose

Goodmorning folks!

Larc, thanks for your welcoming back, but I never left.
I check in almost daily but don't post.
You and some other posters here are just to interesting
for me. I find my fellow ex-jws a fascinating bunch. Some
(like you and Waiting) are hilarious, kind,
independent-minded, gracefully wise and
absolutely charming to listen to.
LostMyReligion, thanks for replying to all of us.
I'm glad that you have found support here and hope
you stay. Even though life is a great hardship now
for you, remember that a beautiful life of sheer
ecstacy is possible for you now that you are Free!
Cry and cry as you may need to but also laugh, dance, sing
and celebrate....at last those nasty chains have come off!
Can you feel the sweet sun shine on you.
Emyrose
Sunbeam

Hello LMR and welcome back !!
I hope that you'll soon feel that a more appropriate name for you could be 'FoundLotsaFriends' :-). I remember your first post, where you very effectively expressed the emotional rollercoaster that you were experiencing by alluding to a number of movies. I can't imagine how it felt when you first realised the extent of the WTS's deception. But the folks here are a living testimony to the fact that enjoying reality soon outshines existing in 'the truth'.
Please don't feel that you could ever say 'the wrong thing' on this board. None of us are experts or your 'betters'. In fact, many come here to learn from people like you! Even if they don't post, they can read about the paths that others have taken before them. Every story is an inspiration, helping people to regain control of their lives. You are expressing the thoughts and doubts of countless witnesses every time you post, and they can vicariously draw comfort from the warm response of the other 'outsiders' on this board. And perhaps wonder where those nasty apostates post, as they obviously aren't here :-).
I'm a bit of an imposter here, as I've never been a JW. But my family has been profoundly affected by the WTS over the same timescale as yours. If I were to step into your film, I'd be the wife of your younger son. Once an obedient JW, he became first disillusioned and later contemptous of the tower. His mother can't understand his change of heart and laments the loss of their onetime 'spiritual relationship'. By constantly referring to the society and forwarding literature to her family, she hopes to reach them. By declaring that God (ie the WTS) will always be chosen over family (as if a choice needed to be made!) she pushes them even further away.
As I said, you can help others. If I was your daughter-in-law, would there have been any way that I could have speeded your exit from the borg? Or do you think that extending kindness, trying to repair the strained relationship and praying are the only options?
Sunbeam
xxx
TR

HI Lost!
Your experience with curiosity about the JW sites on the net, fear and guilt sound a lot like my experience. I wonder just how many thousands of JW's go through the same thing. I hope you enjoy this forum, it's packed full of useful info and caring people.
TR
"cults suck"
outnfree

Hi, Lost!
I was deeply touched by your post yesterday, but got called away from the board and was unable to respond until now.
I'm glad, because you've since replied and after saying "Welcome! " I'd like to zero right in on something in your reply to HadEnough that had my brain screaming "WARNING! WARNING!" and it is this:
It was very difficult for me to tell my JW son that in effect everything I had taught him all his life , I now have serious problems with. I did not go into much detail with him, and after the initial conversations, he asks no questions. I know that in his eyes I am damaged goods, and no longer trustworthy spiritually. He is a fair minded man though, and tries hard to treat me normally. He did tell me though that if it came to a choice between me and the cong., he would have to go with the cong. It makes me very sad, but I understand where it is coming from.
In my case it was my best friend who warned me that if it came to choosing between me and the organization that it would be Jehovah.
Notice that the organization = Jehovah. After the way you've raised your son, it is likely that he, too, has this viewpoint. Therefore, although I have read you loud and clear that you intend to leave it alone with hime and ease yourself out s-l-o-w-l-y in order to keep your family intact, I have to speak out.
What I wish for you is not to have happen what happened to me. And that is this: You KNOW how difficult it is to keep quiet about what you have now discovered. Deep in your heart you desperately want your son out of the organization because you have seen it for what truly is. After a time, I just couldn't keep quiet! And so I thought I'd be brilliant and send my friend information that came from Society publications only. She wouldn't read it. Told me not to send her anymore. OK. I didn't. Then I'd discover MORE stuff, and we'd be having a meal together and I would bring something up. And she advised me to go to the elders. I told her I didn't think that would be advisable. But I desisted for another month or so. Then, Questions For Readers came out with some new info on the blood policy. Since I was her advocate, I brought this up at another meal and reasoned on it. She listened. Her view was that the Bible said abstain from ALL blood, however, wouldn't take fractions anyway according to her conscience. OK. I knew that. But I felt I was making headway nonetheless. WRONG!
She finally told one of the elders that Sister X "had doubts" and that she was worried about her. She didn't tell me she'd told, however. I got a shepherding call a couple of weeks later. This call started the whole ball rolling which ended in my disassociating myself this past March.
It tore us both up. But I understand that in her mind I'm taking fourth place behind Jehovah, her husband and her son.
Please be very, very careful not to share any of your newfound research with your JW son. He may listen politely because you're his dear Mom, but in the end he may just be troubled enough to go to the elders about it, and that will be the beginning of the end of the two of you. The heartache will be considerable. MUCH WORSE than the frustration of not being able to bare your heart to someone you love with only the best of intent.
If you're bursting at the seams -- email ME! I'd love to hear what you've learned. ( [email protected]) The slow fade is the absolute BEST way to leave for those with family members still involved, but is incredibly difficult to execute.
I hope you'll excuse my lecture if you've already been wise enough to see this clearly for yourself from all the rest of the postings you've read while lurking.
With only good wishes,
outnfree
P.S. I was wondering where Truman'd gone!!!
LostMyReligion

Thanks everyone for your greetings!
Ozziepost--You weren't late at all. It was a welcome surpise to log on this morning and see your message and all the others.
thinkers wife, emyrose, and Tw-- Thanks for the welcomes and encouragement. Thinkers wife--Thanks too for the compliment. I'd like to think I had a brain all along, but where was it?
Marilyn--Sounds like we have very similar positions in age and kids, but my time in the "truth" was not so productive as yours. I only made one sacrifice--er--disciple, my 1st born son. Your comments about cyber space buddies are on target. Right now it seems they are my only friends, as I do not feel like I can fully enjoy the friendships (few though they were) I had till now in the cong. knowing how they would view me if the knew my real feelings. It is sad, I have known these people for over 15 years, and they are good people who only see me as depressed presently, but if they knew........
Sunbeam--Yea, I was on a roll with movie references that night as Truman. But I do do other things besides watch movies. Sometimes. As for your daughter-in-law of exjw situation, I honestly do not know what can help, other than as you said, kindness, love, and prayer. From what I have read and personally experienced, it seems that a person/jw has to be ready for the "awakening" in some way. Some may experience the final dawning suddenly like me, some gradually, or some through traumatic events. Just my view from a very limited perspective. But as jws say about those who left, there's always hope.
I can empathize with what I hear describe as the emotional mindset of your mother-in-law. Just a short time ago, I was there too. My exjw son is not married, but I was alienating him every time I spoke to him by trying to "guilt" him over his abandonment of his upbringing, the pain I felt about his choice (and that pain was very real, deep, and inconsolable), and the future consequences of losing out on life in paradise. It was getting to the point of his not wanting to have a conversation with me at all because of my exhortations. All the while, I felt that I had to do these things. If I just dropped it or tried to focus on other things in his life, I would be condoning or at least excusing his choice. Also there was a constant fear of learning he might have done something wrong or worldly. It was all extremely painful, and I believe this great internal conflict in me between the "truth" and my son whom I knew to be a person of good conscience, was the catalyst which finally pushed me into my investigations. Now we have repaired our relationship and are enjoying each other's company. For all the pain I have experienced over finding this new information about the WTS, the great joy of having my son back is a counterbalance. To feel compelled to reject one's child seems for a mother one of the worst possible things to endure. I can't help but believe that your mother-in-law is suffering greatly inside, but has to rationalize her position with "theocratic" thinking. What a terrible situation. And to be the object of parental judgement and rejection while trying to maintain a relationship and listening to their misplaced ministrations is equally so. As one DF'd young man told me, "Yes it is painful, but I do it because I love her." I hope someday things will change for you, your husband, and his mother.
Outnfree--I really appreciate having the benefit of your experiences on the futility of trying to help one close to you. It certainly is hard won knowledge. I have gone over many scenarios in my mind concerning future conversations with my JW son and the outcome you endured is one I have contemplated and do not want to live through. It is very sad, but the need to be shielded from questioning or dissident information is very strongly indoctrinated by the WTS, as is the compulsion to defend vigorously even what one may deep inside have doubts about. I have done that myself--give the party line to others on a subject I had misgivings on personally, and convinced myself that it was the proper viewpoint. Maybe some of the things you told your friend will bubble within her over time--one can hope. For the present with my Jw son, I try to take a long term view, painful as it is. If, as he says he is content and fulfilled with his current beliefs and spiritual pursuits, then I feel I have no right to try to wreck his faith. But, I will be quietly standing by if in the future he should find himself with questions or doubts, to step up and help him if allowed. Thanks so much for your insights, and I look forward to future conversations with you and all the others.
LMR
patio34

Dear LMR,
WELCOME! It's so exciting to see you back! Take it from me (I've been here at the recommendation of my sister, the EMPEROR, 'Waiting,' since 3/01), it's a great place to visit and exchange ideas.
Kudos for the board!! I just stay away from the 'rough stuff' and enjoy it immensely!
My sister--younger one!--has been such a help to me, not only thru this, but my bout with (yuck!) cancer, raising kids, etc. As soon as I told her I was leaving meetings, she overnite mailed me a big box of books, printouts, brochures, & info about all the ex-jw matters.
There have been so many heartwarming (I may never say 'encouraging' again!) posts on this thread--you really brought them out!
AlanF's advice applies to so many of us. OutnFree, thank you so much for the warning about your situation. I have an avid JW son whom I don't want to force into such a position.
Had Enough, thanks for your story. I feel for you going to the DA. I wonder how many folks are there 'against their will'?
I'm so glad you're joining our little "coffee shop." It's quite a group. We're kind of like a group of war veterans who get together to share battle stories and remedies for our problems.
Pat
"All religions die from the same disease--being found out."
thinkers wife

Dear Rel.,
One particular phrase in your last post struck me.
I only made one sacrifice--er--disciple, my 1st born son.

I sense that you are beating yourself up over this. I can relate to this. I have about nine or a little more people under my belt that I "helped" to see the truth. It bothers me immensely. I can't imagine how I would feel if it was my son.
Please don't beat yourself for this. You were doing what you thought was right!!
You can only go on and do what is right for him now!!! Sounds like you have a grip on it!
You are in my thoughts as you go through the ordeal of the beginning of a wonderful journey, albeit painful now!!
TW

I got my nerve up, gonna try this again!

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