Seven of Nine:
I am not Df'ed however I can recount what my father has been through. He was disfellowshipped in 1976 for smoking. My folks split up shortly thereafter. Though visitation was kept up initially after he moved a distance away, myself and my siblings were told by my mother (a JW) that our contact with our father should only be for family emergencies.
After my dad was dfed and split from my mom, my sister (a very good looking slim brunette - she was hot but I'll deny ever saying that!!) was excluded from events and was told outright by some that some parents expressed concern that children of a disfellowshipped person and of divorced (GASP - remember this was the 70's and divorce just wasn't all that common yet) parents was likely bad association. One elder's son actually told her that he really liked her but he wants to marry into a stable JW family. JERK
After my mother left the Org and subsequently deserted her three teenage children (12, 15, 18) my brother and I moved in with my dad and step mother. We tried living with my sister for 2 years first..It just didn't work... go figure.
My father drove us to all the meetings. He bought suits etc as needed as I grew from 5'11" to 6' 3" in one year. He allowed my brother and I to have JW friends over to his home and he would make himself scarce so as to not make our guests uncomfortable. My brother thought about quitting the Org during a period of depression. My father worked this through with him, knwoing how much the Org meant to us at the time and really how much my brother needed the structure.
We moved again and one of the considerations my father looked at was proximity to a Kingdom hall. In this new Hall unfortunately many of the extreme attitudes were again manifest. (People picking us up for service etc, would stop on the street in front of our home and honk the horn. If brothers called and my dad picked up the phone, he had hang ups, and very curt rude attitudes given to him. ("Oh. I was calling for Kismet" appropriate snarkiness intoned) Once again my Father not only tolerated this rudeness but continued to encourage our JW activities.
Much to my father's chagrine, I moved out as soon as I graduated. I also then returned to the more extreme position of shunning my father. One phone call per year. No letters. Nothing. My brother moved out after and took up the same extreme position. My father's comment. If you need to do this in order to be happy and content in your life so be it. I don't like it, I hate it but all i want is your success and happiness.
We lessened our approach over the years that followed. He was told he was not welcome at my sister's (his only daughter) wedding, though was asked for money to help pay for it. (He drew the line there - sent a $$ gift but that was it)
While I served at Bethel he would get my step mother to call in so that the Receptionist would not feel awkward if s/he found out it was my Disfellowshipped father calling. he would get on the phone later.
While visiting the city where I was serving at Bethel, Bethel rules dictated that df'ed people are personna non grata on Bethel property. Even family members of Bethelites. So my Step mother came in to see where I lived and took pictures so my father could at least have an idea of where his son lived.
He was hospitalized in the late 80's with an aneurism (lower aorta). While at the hospital I saw two brothers (hospital visitation committee) told them my father was in Room ** and advised that though he is disfellowshipped is not not -anti-Witness and would likely appreciate a pastoral visit from them more so than a priest. Despite being there for three weeks he did not get one visit by these elders.
To my perspective it was my father's unconditional love and supprt for his children that started me questioning the whole disfellowhipping policy and the morality thereof. I spoke with the brothers responsible for writing department both at the branch and in Brooklyn regarding this issue. I spoke with Service departments and Governing Body members. ALl agreed that the approach we have taken with my father was the correct one. Shunning except in the case of emergencies. The fact that 20 years had past and it was for smoking. He had quit smoking long ago. Lives a quiet peaceful lawfully married existence. This didn't matter. He was to be shunned.
In speaking with my father now, he told me of nights where he cried himself to sleep over not having a relationship with his sons. He went into major depression over my sister's wedding fiasco. Yet he never uttered a hateful word to us about the Org or our conduct towards him. When I was appointed an elder I decided (arrogantly) to shepherd visit my own father. I asked forthright why he has never come back into the Truth. He refused to answer anything more than to say I don't want to be known as one speaking against the Organization.
I have always had a respect for my father. But since I have disregarded the whole shunning policy I have come to know the real man. He claims he missed out on part of his son's life. He did, but I think I am the one who missed out on those years with an incredible man.
I did not experience the heart wrenching pain my father did. I hope that my conduct now can in some way make up for the suffering I caused.
Tishie's support board ( http://www.support4xjws.org) contains many such stories of the needless pain caused by the shunning policy especially within families.
Hope this is of some assistance and apologize yet again for the wordiness of the post
Kismet - who hopes one day to be as good a man as his father
