Are You Emotionally dependent?

by one_ugly_time 25 Replies latest jw friends

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  Big Tex

  Howdy O_U_T and welcome to the board.

  Xenawarrior is a real sweetie, and very wise. I'd listen to her.

  Just to kind of expand a bit though, I was thinking about something you said in your first post. You said you were raised with an alcoholic father and an emotionally absent mother. That's pretty intense. Realize we imitate our parents, whether we want to or not. I can't help but wonder if the difficulty you have with women has something to do with your mother. I'm going to guess your relationship with her is a little cold and distant. Do you think it's possible that maybe you're recreating this relationship with the women you befriend? In other words, maybe you take it to a certain level that is familiar to you, and then you freeze and subconscously sabotage the relationship.

  It is very easy to develop fear of intimacy simply because of the emotional vacuousness in your household growing up. Where would you have learned how to bond with someone in that environment. Being raised a Witness, would have only reinforced this emotional void, after all as St. S said, a good little JW puts their blind trust in the Society and waits for the Society to tell them how they should feel and when they should feel it.
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  one_ugly_time

  Big Tex -

  You said you were raised with an alcoholic father and an emotionally absent mother. That's pretty intense.

  Being raised in it wasn't intense. Becoming aware that it's was called surviving, not living and thriving has been really intense. The methods of communication and the behaviors developed are really annoying and crippling. I have always appeared to self-sabotage not only personal relationships but career and educational opportunities as a side benefit to having this disposition.

  I'm going to guess your relationship with her is a little cold and distant.

  Right on. Until only recently, I always (and I've learned not to use that word lightly) thought it was all me.

  Do you think it's possible that maybe you're recreating this relationship with the women you befriend? In other words, maybe you take it to a certain level that is familiar to you, and then you freeze and subconscously sabotage the relationship.

  Great way to see it. Yes. Exactly. I've been hunting this path of analysis for quite a while, but, again I'm stuck in my head and trying to think it through. I keep looking at the other person and how they are recreations of one or the other of my parents. D*mn, Big Tex. I felt it as soon as I read this. I am freezing. (As Meatloaf would say "I'm crying icicles instead of tears"). From that point on, the behaviors are hardly unconscious. But, I think I get your point, that the driver of these behaviors has something to do with the unconscious affects of the relationship I have with my mom.

  You see how I twisted this all up in my head. First I think it's me being cold and distant. Then I screw everything up if I try to get closer. So I stepped back in life. I have tried to have conversations for the past year with my mom (without mentioning JW of course) and realize I can't get closer to her. Now I'm stuck. So, is it me or the other person. I know, it's a relationship, so it's both -- but do you know what I'm saying??? Atleast I've come to the awareness by talking about enough different subjects with my mom, including the death of her parents, to realize that it's not all me in this case.

  Where to go with this feeling, I'm not sure. But I will definitely keep this one around for a while.

  xenawarrior - regardless of what Big Tex might say about you, I think your a sweetheart. Thanks for the encouragement.

  So how do I celebrate this. My 1st post and 1st thread made it to 2 pages and almost an average # of views. And it feels like I took 3 pebbles out of each shoe along the way.

  Just an after thought / question -- Lets say my mom called me up and really opened up. I am trying to imagine if I would feel a great flood of release including, but not limited to (standard legal clause so anyone can add whatever they want), a release of anger, a feeling of acceptance, and god forbid, a feeling of validation. Or would I treat her the same way I treat any other woman that opens up? I'll sleep on this one.
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  xenawarrior

  awww, thank you ((((Tex))) and (((((one)))))

  one, you are truly on your way. A good friend of mine calls it "cellar work", like going down into your cellar and cleaning out some stuff and looking at each thing as you decide what stays and what goes and where the hell did THIS thing come from? Whatever you want to call it- just keep doin it! You'll be amazed at how helpful it really is-not only to you but to others for whom a lightbulb will go on while reading it.

  My hat's off to you !!
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  Big Tex

  So, is it me or the other person. I know, it's a relationship, so it's both -- but do you know what I'm saying??? Atleast I've come to the awareness by talking about enough different subjects with my mom, including the death of her parents, to realize that it's not all me in this case.

  You're right. It's not always you, a relationship is a two way street. Now it's quite possible you're sending off signals, i.e. the other person interprets your freezing and pulling back as a sign that you want out, or are losing interest.

  Where do you go from here? Well, be aware. The next relationship you're in, and you get closer, be aware of this tendency. One good way to handle it is face it head on and open yourself up (making yourself a little vulnerable) and be straight with the other person and tell them briefly Hey, I tend to pull back in relationships, it's something I'm working on and maybe you can help me work through it. Or something like that, you know?

  This would be really good if the other person feels any sort of connection to you. Often, but not always, a show of vulnerability helps deepen a relationship. It's a sign of trust, and it can endear you to the other person, perhaps even allowing them to reveal something to you. And then that could draw you two closer still. And so on and so on.

  A healthy relationship is about sharing of oneself with the other, whether it's vulnerabilities, likes/dislikes, philosphies, etc.

  As far as your mother opening up to you, well I wouldn't count on it. If she does, rejoice, but when she doesn't, accept her for what she is and give to yourself that which she would not.

  Be well,

  Chris
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  Nosferatu

  Wow, I sure missed a lot. I have a couple of things to comment on....

  Being raised in it wasn't intense. Becoming aware that it's was called surviving, not living and thriving has been really intense.

  As you continue improving yourself, you're going to run into a lot of revelations that are going to knock you off your feet. I can't believe some of the stuff that I've discovered about myself or how serious the issues are.

  I have tried to have conversations for the past year with my mom (without mentioning JW of course) and realize I can't get closer to her. Now I'm stuck.

  I'm putting the two quoted statements together. When I got myself onto the road of self-improvement, I worked on overcoming my fears. I had developed a fear - believe it or not - of JWs. JWs are taught to worry about what other people think of them, and worry about displeasing others who are "spiritually strong". I was afraid of confronting JWs in any way. I was afraid of hurting their feelings. However, I learned that I'm not responsible for the way people react to my decisions in life, so I took on confronting a JW head on. This helped me see that JWs are nothing more than regular people who practice a really stupid religion.

  The issue with my mother has been a difficult one. I had something that was unresolved, and I desperately wanted it resolved - the issue of all the physical abuse inflicted on me by my mother. I wanted to truly forgive her for what she's done, but I just cannot forgive her if she doesn't realize what she's done. I can't just excuse all the pain I suffered in the past.

  So anyway, there I am ready to take on my mother. I crashed head-first into a wall. I left even more hurt than before. First, she denied all the beatings and claimed that she only hit me once in my entire life. Then after I started giving examples, she sarcasticly said to me "Aww, poor baby had it so rough." The bitch then told me how good I had it being brought up with bible principles. I'll tell you, even writing about this makes me fucking mad. I'd cry but I'm at work.

  Anyway, before I get completely emotionally involved here, I should get back to my point. I learned one hell of a lesson from all this shit. For one, I'm going to end up crashing into a few walls on my course of self-improvement. Second, there are going to be some things that cannot be completely resolved and I'm going to have to learn to deal and live with them for the rest of my life. There's nothing I'd like to hear more than an apology from my mother, but it looks like it's not going to happen anytime soon, or happen at all. I have to prevent my past from damaging me even more, therefore when the subject of my childhood comes up with my mother, I have to either change the subject or leave the room. That's the only way I can control a touchy issue like this when chatting with my mother. I vent to my fiance, my friends, or online. It relieves the pressure that builds up when my mother brings this subject up.
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  one_ugly_time

  xenawarrior -

  Yes, I do have some reading for you. A great book- "Heartwounds; The Impact of Unresolved Trauma and Grief on Relationships" by Tian Dayton.

  I finally found a copy. Looks good based on the few pages I thumbed through. I will be spending some time reading the next couple of evenings.

  A good friend of mine calls it "cellar work", like going down into your cellar and cleaning out some stuff and looking at each thing as you decide what stays and what goes and where the hell did THIS thing come from?

  I'll do the cooking and wash the windows if you'll do the cellar work for me . I never considered myself a pack-rat, but I have discovered that emotionally that is exactly what I did. I will try to keep this frame of reference. Sometimes I get so concerned about "where" something came from, that I can't get rid of it. If I think of this process like you said, ultimately I guess it doesn't matter where it came from or how it got there. Just throw it out if it doesn't fit into my future. Sounds easy enough

  Big Tex -

  (making yourself a little vulnerable)

  ** Heart starts beating wildly just reading this **

  A healthy relationship is about sharing of oneself with the other, whether it's vulnerabilities, likes/dislikes, philosphies, etc.

  So, the only way I'm going to work through some of this is to just go on living. Hopefully, I will work through atleast an issue or two with each relationship. I am currently thinking along the lines of no serious (ie commited dating) relationships, but trying to build more freindships with woman and let the depth progress at a slower pace.

  Nos -

  When I got myself onto the road of self-improvement, I worked on overcoming my fears.

  I guess that is what started this thread. Ultimately I believe I fear being vulnerable. This last time I tried, my head exploded thinking that I was being manipulated and turned inside out. That is when I discovered religion as a potential root cause. I have no idea if I am making progress because I have presently removed myself from all relationships except business. Tough place to be, but I need to put a few things into awareness and keep them there.

  I can't just excuse all the pain I suffered in the past.

  I agree. There is no excuse, rationalization, or justification for any abuse. However, I already know that I have been guilty of some with my children. The only reason I will outwardly state is my lack of awareness and lack of parental modeling in my childhood. That doesn't excuse me, so I am very humbled when I apologize to my children and explain to them what I am learning and how I percieve their lives taking a turn to modeling my "old" ways.

  Nos (and anyone else interested) -- In summary to your other comments, I recently posted a small tribute to the parental thinking and my feelings associated with hateful parenting like "The bitch then told me how good I had it being brought up with bible principles. ". It is in the thread Was Your Growth Stunted Because You Were A Jehovah's Witness?, started by minimus.

  one_ugly_time