Emotional Terrorism.

Englishman

Sirona's thread about bullying got me thinking. There's another type of bullying, which, IMHO, can be far worse. I'm talking about psychological bullying, where fear of a persons hysterical reaction forces us to act in manner that fits in with what the person wants. It also prevents us from expecting a normal response from the person in question. In fact, it stops us from depending on that person for anything at all.

I had a discussion with an American poster who is something of an expert in this field. She told me that the phrase she used for such people was "Emotional Terrorist".

I've had some experience in dealing with an Emotional Terrorist, and it was not a nice experience at all. Faked suicide attempts, faked fainting fits, faked rape allegations, faked police calls, just about faked everything, just so long as whatever happened turned the attention back on this person.

Has anyone here ever had to deal with an Emotional Terrorist, and if so, how did you handle the situation?

Englishman.

Lady Lee

Eman all I can say is I've met a few. And each one has added to new gray hair. The best thing to do was to walk away. And that was hard because I had always been taught to be there for others. My mother was one of them. Not talking to her has helped my emotional well-being immensely

blondie

Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward

One of the first books that helped me see that my family were emotional blackmailers. I had a roommate that was like that too. This book helps you see how to deal with people like this.

Another list of characteristics

What is Emotional Blackmail?

Emotional blackmail refers to attempts to influence, manipulate or control a person through:

Domination - controlling the environment
Intimidation - manipulating a person's guilt, fear, compassion and values
Unreasonable demands - requirements that cannot be met
Unpredictable mood changes - emotional outbursts and mood swings
Verbal abuse - using words to attack, hurt or injure

Victim Games

The justification for emotional blackmail is often dependence - the abuser may be afraid to lose something important that the other person provides. An abuser can, consciously or unconsciously:

Withhold essential information
Contradict the victim's perspective
Discount the victim's feelings
Disguise abuse as humor
Block the victim's goals
Install limiting beliefs
Trivialize thoughts, ideas and achievements
Undermine to increase dependence
Make threats to increase power
Forget promises, agreements or previous discussions
Invalidate the victim's reality and perceptions
Express anger to release tension and feel powerful

http://www.soulwork.net/sw_articles_eng/emot_blackmail.htm

Stacy Smith

Emotional terrorist, that's a perfect description. I thought drama queen was the right description but emotional terrorist is perfect. I have met a few and right now I'm living with one during the week. One of our roomies has us all tiptoeing around her.

I can't wait until monday so I can use that name in front of my other roomies. Not the terrorist, I'll do that behind her back because it's much safer that way.

I wonder what the proper way to handle such a person would be? Confront them? Continue to tiptoe?

CountryGuy

I sometimes joke that I'm a "Freak Magnet." So, I've had a few experiences with people like this. Thankfully they were not family; they were either coworkers or people I knew from school.

For me, the way I have dealt with them is to present them with edvidence that I knew they were lying to me. I then explained to them that what they need is professional help and I am in no way qualified, or able, to give them that help. I've even gone so far as to help them find a therapist/counselor they can work with.

Either they will get that help and you can continue your friendship, or they won't. If they don't, you can bet that they will continue to emotionally terrorize you. In this instance I have basically treated them like Michael Jackson at the kingdom hall. Avoid them at all costs until they find someone else to latch on to. I know that sounds harsh, and I want to go on record that I think the dubs' shunning practice is hurtful and unchristian. However, in this instance it is not about blindly following an organization's mandates. It is a matter of keeping your own sanity.

one_ugly_time

Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward

Great book for understanding the dynamics of relationships that involve these types of people.

I would also recommend Emotional Unavailability : Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap by Bryn C. Collins . This book helped me round out the big picture.

I wonder what the proper way to handle such a person would be? Confront them? Continue to tiptoe?

Stacy : It's been my experience that you can't confront people like that. They are either living in denial or they are choosing to live that way, for whatever reason. In either case, I don't believe you can help change them or their behaviors unless they make a conscious effort to do so. Emotional boundaries are very difficult to establish, but once you do, the other person then has the responsibility to either recognize them and discuss the issues or they will ignore them. If they ignore them, then, as Lady Lee said --

The best thing to do was to walk away.

As far as tiptoeing -- Another good book that discusses this issue is Stop Walking on Eggshells; Coping When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason , Randi Kreger , Larry J. Siever

berten

>I wonder what the proper way to handle such a person would be? Confront them?

I would say confront them,because with such persons the dam will burst anyway sooner or later...

ISP

I think actual bullying is worse.

Best

ISP

gumby

E-man.......you hit on something I've been wondering about myself.

Has anyone here ever had to deal with an Emotional Terrorist, and if so, how did you handle the situation?

Let's take this situation,

A man and a woman have a wonderful relationship. The man is powerful in words when he is riled, he gets spooky looking because he is big, and he has many sensative areas that his wife knows not to discuss. This man has never hurt his wife physically or threatened to do so.....but he gets loud when mad which happens very little.

Now.....is this also a type of emotional terror? If the wife feels she is walking on eggshells in certain aspects of subject? I think many relationships have this aspect to a degree. Men also know when not to say things to their wives for fear they will blow their top, and so they avoid speaking about it.

Gumby

Gadget

I think actual bullying is worse.

I've experienced both types, and I think the emotional blackmail is worse than normal bullying. You can stand up to bully and get things sorted out, but with someone emotionally blackmailing you, you get scared to do things because you worry about the effect it will have on them. It screws your head up.

Emotional Terrorism.

What is Emotional Blackmail?

Victim Games

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