by Englishman 41 Replies latest jw friends
I've actually now got a quite finely attuned antennae regarding emotional terrorists.
Generally speaking, they seem to have an awful lot of self-pity about them. Everything that happens in the world seems to be first of all funnelled through the way it affects them before any -if any- concern is expressed for anyone else.
The me me me syndrome is the worst part. Egocentricity is never a pretty thing to behold.
Englishman.
But what about what I said?
Gumby
Gumby,
I don't see that as emotional terrorism in the way that I was referring to it. That seems to indicate some fear of being physically overpowered - even though that is probably not what is going to happen - as opposed to manipulation of one's psyche.
The bigness thing can be quite a problem for the big person though. I'm only 6'1" now, but was taller in my youth and some people found me to be intimidating when I spoke out loud and strong for what I believed in.
Englishman.
I suppose we could be considered enablers if we don't confront them. Why allow it to continue?
I suppose we could be considered enablers if we don't confront them. Why allow it to continue?
Absolutely. Many of the problems occur because these types simply never get confronted because the relatives or colleagues of such a person will do anything for a quiet life. Mind you, if you do choose to confront, boy does the balloon go up! Englishman.
I know the topic was emotional terrorism in regard to even faking feelings, action to intimidate or manipulate. My first husband actually was that and life with him was horrific and it took me a long time to heal from those scars. I do think though that what we go through when leaving the WTS and how we are treated is also an emotional terrorism. They manipulate things so that you are either guilted into feeling pressure to come back or tried to make you feel valulesss because of your actions and their acusations. Its a good think I have a full head of thick hair because I have been losing on the average 20 hairs a day. I know it is from the stress of dealing with the harassment from my decision to leave. If that isn't emotional terrorism, I don't know what it is.. and that is why I want to move somewhere that no one knows I ever was a JW, with a new phone number and no forwarding address.
Great books Blondie and one_ugly_time!!
Here's a great excerpr from Susan Forward's "Emotional Blackmail" book: Gives some really good insight:
The mistake we can make with emotional blackmailers/terrorists/abusers is thinking that they are openly mean or obvious. They are what I call the teflon abusers. I have seen people say something nicely and with a smile that is abusive. It's learning how to deal with these people with constructive criticism. Being able to give effective constructive criticism is not automatic; it takes some careful choice of words and timing.
Here's good site by our own Lady Lee.
http://leehardiman.freeyellow.com/def-emo.html
I recently started a thread about my issue with Emotional Dependence. And I am now seeing virtually everyone take exactly the opposite viewpoint that I got from my studying concerning this issue. It appears nearly unanimously that confronting the "emotional terrorist" is the prefered choice. I guess my problem with this is continuing to be left invalidated after the abuser denies any wrong doing. Or, they simply apologize time after time. It's not fair.
But, I will definitely open my mind up to everyone's comments in this thread. Maybe this lack of ability to handle invalidation is part of my emotional dependence problem, once a relationship does start to get close. I just have a really hard time accepting such behavior from a "friend" or closer, since everything is supposedly built upon trust. And if you don't know when someone is going to use these tactics, how could you ever feel free enough, long enough to trust them.
I suppose we could be considered enablers if we don't confront them. Why allow it to continue?
I disagree. You can't control anyones behavior except your own. Confronting them does not prevent it from continuing. As I see it, set your boundary and decide have far you will let the individual go before taking action (ie walk away, terminate relationship). If the relationship means as much to the other person as it does to you, they will call you and ask, with a listening ear, why you are walking. However, from their perspective, you may be the emotional terrorist, since they are accustomed to such interactions and your walking away "proves" to them that you aren't much of a friend. My 2 1/2 cents.
one_ugly_time
one-time
My perspective on confrontation is that is is for YOUR empowerment and has nothing to do with how the other person will respond. A true controller will not listen and I truly believe that if the person has been violent that a confrontation should NOT happen for your safety.
I confronted my father on his abuse and he would have attacked if I had not left when I did. Later when more info was out there about abuse and recovery it was realized the physical dangers of confronting some people. But confrontations that empower you can be done in many safe ways without dealing with the person and the confrontations are to help you face and overcome some of your fears.
