They have nothing to loose by shunning

by garybuss 27 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Oxnard Hamster

  This is yet another instance of abiding by the letter of the law, but missing the point. Ironically, they have WT articles about this very subject all the time.

  I don't believe in outright, black and white shunning. Sure, you don't want to get mixed up in the wrong crowd, but that doesn't mean talking to somebody in that crowd for a couple of minutes is going to pull you to the dark side. If it does, then you're the one with serious problems, not the other person.

  There is a huge difference between extending humane common courtesy to people and rubbing elbows.
• 

  Dansk

  Hi Gary,

  If parents who shun children were notified by the children that they will loose their access to contact with current and future grandchildren

  While I agree with you in principle, I don't think this is allowed in law. It is my understanding that even grandparents have access rights (at least in the UK).

  I have already cut my two daughters out of my will - not because we don't love them, but because we know any money they might receive on my and my wife's deaths would partly end up in the Watchtower's coffers (my girls would think this is a way of serving Jeripoff).

  My wife and I actually shun JWs now - unless we see one so close-up a conversation is likely. As has been mentioned, they don't know what to do or where to look.

  It never ceases to amaze me that 1 Cor. 13:5 (NWT) talks of 'not keeping account of the injury'. We also know Jesus' own words regarding 'as we judge so shall we be judged'! How on earth, then, can a JW justify shunning? They don't (want to) realise they are anything BUT Christian!

  Ian
• 

  Country Girl

  I'm with Gary. I divorce myself from those family members.

  CG
• 

  Oxnard Hamster

  I said "Will they eat the food I send home with you, in two days?" He siad they wouldn't. Gee.. I wonder if it was sacrificed to an idol?

  That's ridiculous, but at the same time, not surprising. The JWs are way too black and white and carry some of their beliefs a bit too far. I mean c'mon, there is nothing wrong with a family get together. So it happens to be around a holiday? Big damn deal. Get over it.
• 

  RunningMan

  There are two ways to stop shunning.

  1. If enough people refuse to play the shunning game, it will fall apart.

  2. Make them pay to play the shunning game - which is kind of what you are suggesting.

  The worst thing that anyone can do is to enable them by playing by their rules. Their rules are stupid. Either ignore them or fight them, but don't play along.
• 

  Eric

  We have taken all the pain and discomfort of the shunning and put it on our side so it's easy for them to continue. So how can we be surprised or unhappy when it continues?

  Gary,

  I can tell you that for my parents, and especially for my mother, to initiate the shunning of one of their children was an emotionally debilitating decision to HAVE TO MAKE, and a constant onerous weight to maintain.

  It didn't matter that I accepted the shunning, made no overtures, allowed the shunning to be on the easiest possible terms, it still tore away at my mother's psyche, it was against her strong natural instincts.

  I have to say that I can't believe that my experience is unique.

  As for cutting off grandparents from their grandchildren as some sort of retaliatory strategy, well shame on you. If the JW grandparents aren't a serious threat to "inculcate" the grandkids, then I can see nothing to be gained or proven by sinking to these depths.

  I had a JW friend who once proudly told me that he was going to go to the 'letter of the law' on his nonDF/DA but inactive Dad and cut him off from his grandchildren unless he got his act in gear. That absolutely adorable older man doted on his grandchildren. He was inactive because his retirement was insufficiently funded and he was working incredibly hard at getting a small kitchen and bath renovation business up and going.

  That was the last dealing I ever had with my JW friend. It's not that I "shunned him". I just have no room in my life for friendship with anyone who can be so petty as to use emotional extortion force their vision of the way things ought to be on the lives of those they have no business meddling in.

  Do what you want, Gary, but the whole idea of shunning back harder than they can shun doesn't help them to see you in a positive light, and closes the the door on they day that they just might have decided to call you, just to talk.

  Eric
• 

  Elsewhere

  I realized what you are saying some time ago and changed my life-insurance beneficiary information. Basically, my biological family will not get a penny. (And it's an awful big shinny penny too)

  I only regret that I will be dead and won't get to see the look on their faces when they see they won't get a dime of it.
• 

  outbutnotdown

  I learned more about morals in a bar one night, half snapped and pissing in urinal, than I ever did from fellow "brothers" at the kingdom hall. It was the "Optimists" motto. One point was, "Is our action going to be positive for everyone concerned?" Not only is shunning not good for the person being shunned but it damages the one THAT IS DOING THE SHUNNING. It does no good for anyone. It breeds hatred in others AND in us, if we do it. We can't control the JW's shunning us, but it does more good to act like it doesn't bother us, even if it's a stretch at first. Eventually, it REALLY doesn't bother you.

  Thanks for the topic, Gary, but I wholeheartedly agree with others here that you should not shun them back. It does you no GOOD and if that viewpoint is too altruistic, then realize that you not reacting in a negative way takes some power away from their negative feelings towards you.

  Brad
• 

  bluesapphire

  Gary, I recently had these same thoughts. About two months ago my sister talked to me and offered me a meal. She went up to my husband and gave him a hug and a kiss. We were falling all over ourselves because she had been shunning us for over a year. She asked me if we could talk and I was all gushy, "Well, of course.... anytime ....."

  The following week she started the shunning again. Never talked to us. Never told us what was up. Just started all over and more severely.

  That's when it hit me what an ASS I had been.

  I wished I could have told her, "Why are you talking to me? I'm dead to you, you can't resurrect me at your will..."

  So now I have killed her in my heart. Even if she ever talks to me again. She is DEAD! I have mourned her and now I am OVER her. There is nothing she can do. She can't apologize because you can't apologize to someone when you have KILLED them. She can't suddenly get "new light" because the organization doesn't have the power to resurrect me either. She killed me. I'm dead. FOREVER!

  Now I have moved on. I don't even care anymore. I feel FREE!!!

  About three weeks ago when we had the fires here in California near my house she called me. She thought she was doing me the favor by calling to "see if we were all right or if we needed anything." I guess she figured it was "necessary business". Well, I told her, "I don't need anything from you!"

  She asked if I was all right. I said, "Yes we're fine. Goodbye." and hung up the phone.

  I kicked her arrogant ass. If you knew her, she knew it was the end because it was so unlike anything I've ever done to her before. I was her mother. I was her best friend. Now I am her NOTHING. And it will be that way until I die.
• 

  lisaBObeesa

  If non-shunned spouses of shunning victims quit allowing the shunners to use them as messengers the shunners would have to deliver their messages in person. The non-shunned spouses protect the shunners from having a confrontation with the shunned. In my opinion, these are the worst of the enabling system.

  I agree. I used to carry messages from my sister (the shunner) to our mother (the person considered dead). I also gave her updates on how mom was doing. I did it because I was hoping my sister would come around...

  But after a while, I realized I was just enabling my sister's disgusting behavior. I called her up one day and told her if she wanted to know anything about her mother, she should have to call our mother herself.

  I am not going to support this evil, emotional abuse!

  I reminded her that actually, according to JW rules, she will now have to call mom now and then.

  After all, I reminded her, it is her 'Biblical obligation' to make sure her mother is taken care of if she were to fall on hard times. How would she ever know if her mom had fallen on hard times if she never speaks to her? I told her that it is not my job to let her know how mom is..it is her job. I told her I would no longer tell her anything about mom because my sister calls our mother dead, so what is there to say about a dead person?? She can't call her 'dead' and get updates about her 'life'!

  God, this is a painful subject. But important to talk about.

  -LisaBOBeesa