Since the breakdown of my marriage I have been living round my mum's -
Hooray for mums everywhere, but especially mine!
Now, mum's not the most up to date person so no computer or internet. I left mine at home for the kids. The situation was horrible since my wife changed the locks and won't allow me back into the house. I've written to my solicitor to find out my legal position; unfortunately they've gone on xmas hols now.
Anyway, I just can't live without a computer, not as a teacher - I need it to do planning and research. And play on. So I have now invested in a lap-top and AOL internet connection!!!!
My wife is getting nasty now, and I'm aware of vicious rumours about me she is spreading. I decided to write a letter to the body of elders and have posted it today, just in case they believe her and attempt to disfellowship me.
It's a long letter I'm afraid, but I found it incredibly cathartic to write.
I hope you find the time to read it, I poured my heart into it and even though it contains sensitive personal information I want everyone to know how I feel.
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To the Body of Elders, *************** Congregation.
Statement of Dean Moorhouse regarding breakdown of my marriage to Amanda Moorhouse.
21 st December 2003
This document is not meant to be an exhaustive account of the problems and causes for the breakdown of our marriage but is merely intended to give an overview of my feelings and main reasons for the actions I have undertaken.
I wish first of all to let it be known that my decision to leave the marital home was not taken lightly, indeed the fact that our marriage lasted for twenty years is evidence on both our parts of our inclination to follow though on the commitments we had made. However, it eventually became clear to me that for both my sake and the sake of the children it would be necessary for me to leave the home. The reasons for my decision will be outlined below, but basically, by remaining at home, I became convinced that my physical, mental and financial health would have deteriorated to such an extent that it would have had a catastrophic effect on my ability to function as a father, husband, employee or even as a normal human being. The result being major strife between Amanda and myself - the arguments becoming increasingly vicious. I did not want my children to be put though this worsening situation. I considered my leaving home as the lesser of the two evils.
It is now necessary, before I can outline the more detailed reasons for the breakdown of our marriage, to put our relationship, and the problems we encountered, into context. I believe that at the core of the breakdown of our marriage is the fact of our differing beliefs about religion.
In 1983, When Amanda and myself were first married, we were both worshipers at the same congregation of Jehovah?s Witnesses. However, five years later, and two years after the birth of our first child, I began to have serious doubts about the truthfulness of the religion. After exhaustive research and much soul-searching I was devastated to realise that the religion I had been following all my life was in fact a complete sham, no different in essence to the thousands of other religions out there that all claim to be the ?one truth?.
This was a very difficult time of life for me since I had always believed in a loving God that would shortly solve all mankind?s problems and that myself and my family would live forever in a paradise earth. Suddenly I was plunged into a totally indifferent universe and for the first time ever came face to face with my own mortality. This was also a difficult time in our marriage. I tried to discuss the issues I was facing with my wife but she absolutely refused to do so. . Over the following years I did not commit any sin that would result in my being disfellowshipped by the congregation and neither did I disassociate myself because I still hoped at the time that I was mistaken, and it really was the truth, a hope that became increasingly tenuous as I researched more over the years.
So, our marriage continued, with the unspoken understanding that I was not to try and discuss my religious beliefs with Amanda. Things worked reasonably well for a time, and we went on to have two more children. As far as the children were concerned I allowed Amanda completely free reign to bring them up as Jehovah?s Witnesses. This involved meetings at the Kingdom Hall three times a week plus independent bible study and engaging in the preaching work However, I did sometimes put my own point of view across; something I felt entitled to do in my own home and with my own children. The occasional few minutes I spent asking them questions and teaching them how to think (rather than what to think) in no way compared to the lengthy and in-depth input they received at the hall and from JW relatives.
Eventually, our children began to draw away from the religion. Our eldest son, Benjamin (16), began to explore other avenues of religious expression, something I considered to be very healthy, and he eventually decided on becoming a Christian worshipper at the Church of England. Charlotte, at the age of 14, decided that religion wasn?t for her at the moment and decided to stop attending Jehovah?s Witness meetings (more on this later). Chloe (12) still attends the meetings and professes belief in the Jehovah?s Witness religion but that of course may change as she gets older.
It was during this time that serious difficulties began to emerge in our marriage. I became aware of a certain ?cooling off? of affection between us. I put this down to the fact that my wife had decided that I was not ever going to return to the religion; this meant, from what she is taught by her leaders, that I am soon to be put to death when 99% of the human race is exterminated at God?s war of Armageddon. I effectively became one of the walking dead - and an enemy. Moreover, and I think this is the key point, I believe that my wife blamed me for the fact that our children were starting to question and draw away from the Jehovah?s Witness religion. This meant, in her eyes, that I had caused the death of our children.
This began to affect our relationship in many ways. I still had much affection for my wife at this stage and continued to attempt to engage in sexual intimacy. It became increasingly clear that my wife now viewed me with complete contempt and she became increasingly disinclined to engage in sexual intimacy with me. During the last few months of our sexual relationship she always complained about discomfort and I went out of my way to be very gentle with her. Then, on the very last time we made love, I looked at her face and saw a look of complete disgust and contempt. I decided that, for her sake, I would wait, allowing her to initiate sexual intimacy when she was ready. That was two years ago this Christmas and we never again engaged in sexual intimacy. For two years we both lived in a state of complete celibacy, despite her belief that a ?Christian wife? should render to her husband ?his due?. Living with a woman for whom I still had affection, and still regarded as attractive, yet not able to have normal husband and wife relations was very difficult for me psychologically. Unfortunately we did not communicate and bitterness built up on both our parts. During this time, a period of about two years, all expressions of affection waned until we neither touched nor spoke to each other except for daily necessities.
Recently, during one of our arguments, she informed me that the last time we had made love I was so brutal that I left her bleeding and scarred. I was shocked. I absolutely refute any suggestion that I was anything other than completely gentle with her during our love-making. It is a bold-faced lie and I utterly resent any suggestion that I virtually raped her that night. Further, I insist that she ceases to mention these untrue allegations to anyone else, as I consider it slander.
This is not the only time that my wife has engaged in dishonesty. As part of my research into the Jehovah?s Witness religion I purchased several books written by ex-members. I had a copy, for example, of ?Crisis of Conscience? written by one of the highest ranking members of the religion, Raymond Franz, one of the governing body, exposing the inner workings of this secretive ruling elite after he decided that he could no longer reconcile the methods and teachings of the Jehovah?s Witness religion with his Christian conscience. I recently discovered that this and similar books were missing from my bookcase. When I enquired to their whereabouts my wife denied all knowledge of them, yet it is clear that no-one else would have the motive and opportunity to remove them. The books have never been returned and I assume they have been disposed of. Thus, Amanda is guilty of both theft and dishonesty, traits not encouraged by the religion she claims to adhere to, therefore she is also guilty of hypocrisy. Incidentally, it was at this time my cheque book also went missing, and I believe that Amanda took it, which she denied, but her increasing history of dishonesty caused me not to believe her.
During the past year Amanda has begun to behave in an increasing unreasonable fashion. Virtually everything I did was wrong or inadequate, in her opinion. There were constant overt and insinuated suggestions, in front of the children, that I was a poor father. Amanda has often been described by others who knew her as a person who likes to control everything; she will brook no dissent. Any disagreement with her, even over relatively minor things, results in the person being branded as obstinate or awkward, including myself. Towards the end of our relationship I became more vocal of my differences of opinion with her which led to charges of me ?undermining her in front of the children?. The fact is her religion teaches that the male is head of the household, but I was rarely if ever allowed to exercise that headship, since everything had to be done her way. So, another act of hypocrisy - she did not respect the headship arrangement as outlined in the scriptures. I admit though that I allowed this to happen because I view a marriage as an equal partnership. However I feel now that my conciliatory nature was abused. One incident that highlights her attitude occurred during the Autumn half-term break this year. Amanda took the children, and her mother, to the coast for a week?s holiday. As we were having the bathroom replaced it was my task during the week to strip the walls of the old paper and paintwork. This turned out to be an incredibly difficult task - the old paper stubbornly refusing to come off despite steaming or chemicals. In the end I had to burn it off inch by inch, which took most of the week and left me with blisters on my hands. At the end of the week the fitters came to fit the new combi-boiler and radiator. During the planning stage we had toyed with the positioning of the radiator many times, and I forgot what we had decided. Unfortunately I asked them to fit it in a place which was not the final one Amanda had decided upon. When she came home from holiday she became very angry about the radiator?and also complained about the mess in the house. There was not one word of thanks or concern about all the hard work I?d put into getting the bathroom prepared. This was fairly typical of her attitude during the past two years - point out the bad and ignore the good.
By this time I was starting to suffer with my mental health. I was in an extremely stressful job - a teacher, and this was made worse by an ofsted inspection. On top of this were the problems I was having with finances. For a long time we had had a joint bank account into which both our wages were paid and from which all the bills were paid. During the time I was at University (graduated 2002) we had both built up large credit card bills and it was decided that we would take out a consolidation loan which Amanda would pay for - this was to be £300 a month. In addition she would pay for our life insurance which was £50 per month. To facilitate this she transferred the payment of her wages to her own account. This meant that she had approximately £600 per month free for her own expenses, Chloe and Charlotte?s pocket money and buying family clothes. As for me however I paid all other bills; everything. The direct debits amounted to £650 a month (mainly the mortgage), on top of which was petrol, vehicle maintenance and insurance, weekly groceries and private tuition fees for my son (performing arts). I concede that I made some financial mistakes, for example purchasing a motorbike, but this was only an attempt to get some enjoyment out of life. In any case, it became clear to me that there was simply no way that I could meet all of these bills on my own - as a beginning teacher my take home pay was only £1100 per month. I was steadily sinking into the red, using up the overdraft each month and starting to live off the credit cards again. I approached Amanda and informed her of the situation, but she refused to help. Her response was to call in sick and she has not been to work since. However, as a council worker she is entitled to 6 months full pay, then half pay for a further 6 months. I was getting desperate, and knew that my bank account would not stand the weekly grocery bill - it would send me over my overdraft limit. I spoke to Amanda and told her that could she please not use the account when she did the shopping, there was not enough in the account. However she ignored me and still used the account, causing me to go over my overdraft limit and incur hefty bank charges. On the subsequent three weeks I implored her not to use my account but each request was simply ignored, moreover additional cash was withdrawn without my permission. In desperation I decided to freeze the account and transfer my wages and all the direct debits to a single personal account. The intention was to prevent unauthorised access to my wages and to force Amanda to pay more into the family finances. Her reaction was not only illogical but potentially highly damaging to the family - she told me she had no intention of ever working again and was going to hand in her notice on the following Monday. This was despite the fact that she was still entitled to another 4 months of full sick pay. She was doing this just to spite me, rather than pay another penny into the family finances. The loss of Amanda?s wage would plunge our family into an abyss of debt from which we could never recover, again I was desperate. I informed her that if she did hand in her notice I would leave her immediately. She agreed to postpone handing in her notice and so the crisis was averted in the short term. I also agreed to go with her to any mediator of her choice and she told me to organise it. I tried several times but was unable to contact Relate by phone, but as it turned out our marriage was to end before I could contact them in person.
On the subject of mediation I first suggested going to Relate during the Summer months of 2003, just before our annual holiday, since I was aware that our marriage was in imminent danger of collapse. Amanda?s response was a somewhat flippant ?I?ll think about it? but she said nothing about it for a long time. Then, when things really started to go pear-shaped she herself suggested going to Relate. By then I was doubtful that anything would work but said that I would go. However, Amanda made an appointment for herself, without telling me when it was, and went on her own. I understand from one of the children that she told them I wouldn?t come! Another lie.
The incident that really stands out in my mind is the day of Charlotte?s 14 th birthday - 7/9/03. This day seemed to be a watershed in Charlotte?s life. On that day she decided that she would no longer go to the Jehovah?s Witness ministry or meetings. Amanda came and asked her to get ready to go on the ministry and Charlotte said ?no, she wouldn?t be going anymore?. A big argument between Charlotte and Amanda ensued but I did not intervene. Then came the time, later that same day, for the Sunday afternoon meeting. Again Charlotte refused to get changed to go. Amanda got really angry and dragged her upstairs, screaming and shouting at her. I didn?t know what to do because I had until then not interfered with Amanda?s desire to bring up the children as Jehovah?s Witnesses. But here was a child of 14 who had made a definite decision not to become a Jehovah?s Witness. There was more screaming and shouting and I could tell that Charlotte was getting distressed - I was very upset myself, how could I stand by and let my daughter be physically dragged to somewhere she hated? I decided to step in. I went into the bedroom and stood there. I said to Amanda ?leave her alone? and Amanda turned on me and screamed at me to ?get out?. I refused, calmly, and said that I would allow Amanda to convince Charlotte to go to the meetings in a civilised manner but I would not allow her to be physically or emotionally bullied,. Amanda went ballistic at me - all the suppressed hatred came out, she screamed things like ?you?ve killed the children?, ?you?ve made Benjamin throw his life away?, ?I hate you?. etc. She then dragged Charlotte out into the street, without her hoes on, into the car and took her around her Grandma?s house. She later returned and was stillvery abusive - she told me she wanted me out of the house - I was to leave as soon as possible and we would sell the house and split it. I refused. That night when I tried to get into bed Amanda physically blocked my way and told me she didn?t want me in her bed. So, I spent the next two months at night sleeping on an airbed in the dining room.
By this time I was very depressed and consulted my doctor, who put me on anti-depressants.
Life at home became increasingly intolerable. I could no longer bear to be in the same room as my wife - when I was near her I started to become even more depressed and to suffer panic attacks, I was literally afraid to be in her presence as I didn?t know what she would say or do to me next.
The final straw came when the girls told me that Amanda wouldn?t give them any pocket money, she said she couldn?t afford it. When I approached her about it there was another tirade of abuse, including false accusations of adultary and the threat that she would hand in her notice the next day. I realised then that she would always hold that over my head.
I?d had enough. Enough of the disrespect, the emotional blackmail, the abuse, the lies, the theft, the paranoia, the depression, the anger, the sleeping on an airbed, the sleeping on my own, the contempt. The time had come when things could get very nasty. Not being a violent person, and mindful of the children, I decided to leave.
That brings me to one final point - the letter I have just received (19/12/03) from Amanda?s solicitor. In it she states that she is divorcing me on the grounds of adultery. As a former Jehovah?s Witness I am aware that these are the only grounds for divorce that this religion will accept. The letter contains a confession form for me to fill in and sign, asking for names and dates that sexual intercourse took place. However, I categorically deny that I have ever had sexual intercourse with any woman other than my wife. Unlike Amanda, I will not lie for the sake of convenience. I will concede that in the last weeks of our marriage I attended a birthday celebration for staff from work (my brothers were also invited) during which I kissed a woman full on the lips. I also concede that I (with Amanda?s full knowledge and permission) made regular email contact with a woman who lives in Florida and who became a very dear friend and helped me through some dark times. In neither of these cases, and in any other case Amanda seeks to mention, was sexual intercourse involved. Of course, now that we are separated, I personally consider that our marriage is over and that I am free to seek out another relationship in the future. I understand that Amanda may divorce me on other grounds than adultery but will not be free to remarry, according to Jehovah?s Witness beliefs, until I am in another sexual relationship.
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