In my discussion with Estee yesterday the subject of how the WTS edits their own literature came up. It wasn't until after I left that I began to realize the extent of these edits or that they even occurred.
An example I gave is how I could clearly remember having read something in a magazine. I could recall clearly where it even appeared on the page even if I could not recall what issue it was in. So I would go to the bound volume and try to find it. And most often would not be able to find the point I was looking for. I would walk away from these searches with my confidence in my ability to think clearly and recall things clearly severely undermined. Believing that the problem was mine I was left with the option of believing that the organization was better able than I was to "help" me understand God.
After I left, I discovered that the bound volumes had been edited (as had some of the books). I don't recall ever being told or reading that the bound volumes had been edited.
I trusted that they would not misuse the trust I had been persuaded to give them.
I recall too times when in the book study times when we were restudying an older book. Sometimes we would find the same book had changes in the paragraphs. Mostly we just thought it was odd, perhaps a typo, and went with the newer edition. I am flabbergasted now that we gave so little thought to the changes made in the books. But then we had been so well taught that our memory could not be trusted and to place ALL our trust in the org.
So what is the long term effect of having ones memory and ability to think clearly undermined so heavily?
I was terrified to go out into the world. Only the thought of suicide drove me out of the org. I had no education (high school drop-out). I had no confidence. I had been told my whole life I was stupid and the WT literature seemed to prove that point because I so often remembered things "wrongly".
I was terribly shy about speaking out, most often getting drowned in the crowd of other voices trying to be heard. Often I would say nothing so that I would not show everyone how incredibly stupid I really was.
When I went to college I chose to start with 2 courses to find out if I could do it. I passed so enrolled full time. I tested myself constantly - tested my memory which actually is a lot better than I thought it was and graduated with honors (What a surprise for someone who spent so much time being convinced that I was a dummy).
I find the uncertainty still creeps in though. I feel very confident in things I know I know. But if there is any doubt I find I will sit back and stay quiet. The old feelings of not being as smart as others or that I just don't "get it" creep in. I have a huge library in my house (almost 700 books - I am even rebuilding my WT library) and I have read almost all of them. I can't get enough information about things that interest me.
Somewhere on the board the other day I was reading how people fresh out of the borg have this insatiable need for information and read everything they can. I wonder if that need to learn is in part the need to dispel this lack of trust in our own minds and ability to think clearly.
Information is power. They controlled the information. By doing this they were able to undermine our abilities to think and remember clearly. The constant changes, the editing (unknown to us) the concept of "tacking into the wind" and "new light" all served a very destructive purpose - to keep us unsure of ourselves.
Just some more of my ramblings.