funny old life isnt it....

by Deacon 32 Replies latest jw friends

notperfectyet

Deacon,
You are having such a bad time right now, it will get better. I have told you I walked grave yards for a year when my beliefs began to evaporate. All those people who had lived and died, their lives were in the "-" between their birth date and death date. If all we have is the "-", we all better get out there and live it the best we can. We all have wonderful memories of days gone bye. Everyone does, that's why they call it the good old days, lets all keep the good memories, learn from the bad, and be the best humans possible, and maybe, just maybe, the guilt and depression that "men" have put on us will disappear. Nine Elders who have never before met you, decide in one hour you are not worthy to be a witness of Jehovah??? How nuts is that? They decide 6 million other people can never talk to you unless you beg those same men for forgiveness? Remember when I was trying to tell a co-worker about this scenario, he looked at me like I was crazy, and suddenly I felt like I was.

So buck up little cowboy, you got alot of riding yet to do.
And one very attractive sexy wife to ride along with you.
Englishman

Deacon, old Son,
What you are sufferin' from, Matey, is what is known in the trade as "Buyers remorse", you're going through a phase of regretting a decision.
It's also like when someone leaves the armed forces, suddenly, everything that was provided is no longer there. No friends, no routine.
You wont go back in to the dubs because it will always be a hollow experience.
What you need is to build a social life for yourself! Doesn't matter how, take a college course, enlist as a boy scout leader, volunteer, but mix, Mix, MIX!
You'll be OK, my friend, email me if you want my phone number.
Englishman.
..... fanaticism masquerading beneath a cloak of reasoned logic.
LadyBug

Deacon
I felt like crying for you when I read your post, just as I cried for myself when Dave asked me a question that set the whole ball in motion for us. I was like several people in one trying to come to terms with it for several days, then we sat down and did some very extensive indepth study for the next 2 days to make sure we were really on the right track.
I cried for this loss today. I cried for the disappointment of all of us, for the change in direction that has to be made in order to keep going. Some, in their enlightenment, have concluded in their heart that their is no God and that the Bible is a book of stories, some have found a new path to god through being born again.....
It is a loss in one sense, everything you've known, believed, your whole life revolved around, is crumbling before you. Its hard for you too because you were cut off, rather than you cutting yourself off. But you know what, it does get better. I too at times longed for the good old days. Even when I was still in the org, and things began changing I longed for the good old days. I grew up in the org, was in it for 35 years. Its all I ever knew. It was the "truth" and I knew it. Except all of a sudden, we realise we've been living a lie. And its hard to accept.
It is as Seeker says
I never had everlasting life to begin with, I only thought I had.
No its not so much the thought of dying its as you say
everything that I had has been taken away.

We finally realise that we are mortal (speaking from JW beliefs) and that all that we've been promised is simply not real.
You say
Yes to you all, it might seem petty..
I doubt there's any sensible person here who would think this. Most would feel deeply for your loss, the same as they felt deeply for their own loss.
I find that by getting on the net, reading books, talking to people, reading what other posters beliefs are helps me in my journey to finding what life really is all about.
What is really our future and I do believe (my personal belief) that there is much more in store for us than our simple JW's beliefs. Much more in store for us than most people can ever imagine.
Well here I go rambling again. Posting more insight to myself than I would normally do. But hey if its of any encouragement to you at all, it was worth it.
BEW
Thinking of you
PS Bugeye was going to post a reply, but he says I've said it all.
COMF

I understand, Deacon. I wasn't raised in the truth. I was 22 when they found me in field service, and I was looking for "The Truth." I had been raised a Baptist, had looked at various other denominations, studied with and rejected the Latter-Day Saints, been involved with a couple of informal but sincere independent bible study groups, and finally had suspended my search in despair. When the witnesses found me, I was jaded and skeptical and accepted the bible study mainly just to toy with them, asking unanswerable questions.
Turned out, my questions were answerable. They were able to explain the entire bible, with its history of wars and killings, in a way that made sense. Incredibly, they were able to explain "what happens when we die" in a way that made sense (of course it does; it's true). And because of the explanation of death and the soul that dies, they were able to explain the reason why Jesus had to die, and exactly how his death related to my salvation. I was astounded. I was blown away. Nothing any of the other churches believed came even close to this. It was so obviously "The Truth" in stark contrast to the rest of it, that I asked my study conductor, "How do you keep from shouting this stuff from the rooftops?" And so, at the age of 22, I found the answers to all of life's questions.
A scant year later I knew that there was trouble in paradise. And for the next 11 years the trouble got steadily worse and worse, as the seamy underbelly of the WBTS revealed itself. After 12 years, I left to preserve my sanity, still believing it was "The Truth."
When I discovered H2O (a forum like this one), some 10 years after I left, I STILL believed it was the true religion. It took me six months of activity on H2O just to reach the point where I could admit that the WBTS was a false prophet. It took more time after that for me to grasp that the leadership wasn't simply sincere and mistaken, but was actually perpetrating a deliberate and ongoing hoax, sacrificing lives in the process while knowing full well that they were only doing it to save face... to avoid admitting that they were clueless about what The Truth is.
I cried, Deacon. I reached a point where the loss overwhelmed me, and crying was a cleansing release.
If you're familiar with the novel, Lord of the Flies, then you know that it is the story of the degeneration of a group of boys stranded on an island, with rich symbolism depicting the state of mankind and our planet. At the end of the story is this vivid description, to which I related as I cried:
The tears began to flow and sobs shook him. He gave himself up to them now for the first time on the island; great, shuddering spasms of grief that seemed to wrench his whole body. His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island... Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man's heart.
The end of innocence. That is why we cried, Deacon. The end of innocence, and the realization that life is not simple, and there are no easy answers; in fact, there may well be no answers, period. And determining what is right and what is wrong, and how to act and how to interact with others... this is all left to us to solve. We are forced to make decisions with no guidance other than what we feel, inside ourselves, is right. We are forced to think, study, weigh possibilities, get viewpoints from others. We're forced into a position of responsibility.
We are forced to become mature adults in an adult world.
I miss the total belief that we had the right way, the correct understanding, a direct link to God....and a formulae for happy lives.
Yes. It was great, wasn't it? I still miss it sometimes, too.
Some, in their enlightenment, have concluded in their heart that their is no God and that the Bible is a book of stories, some have found a new path to god through being born again...
You will find what is right for you, Deacon. In time, you will find it. Don't feel pressured. For a while, just live each day as it comes and don't think overmuch about these things. Indulge yourself in some simple pleasures; a walk around the neighborhood, maybe pausing to strike up a conversation with a neighbor if one happens to be out. A family visit to a park or swimming area nearby. Tickets to a play, musical, or concert. An evening meal at an elegant, high class restaurant. Try to experience living in the moment, rather than always for a distant future time. Learn to be still.
My life has been irretrievably damaged by all the hopes and dreams that have been dashed by realities...
You think? Maybe not. Ultimately, you will the the one to decide that. If you declare that your life is irretrievably damaged, then it is. If you declare that it is not, then it is not.
I went to the meeting yesterday..any my wife came along for support. It was unfinished business.
I understand. One reason I gave a letter of disasssocation was so that I could have a sense of closure. I wanted to actually feel the turning of the page from one period in my life to another.
I want to ...decide what to do with my life under my own direction.
Amen, brother. So let it be written; so let it be done.
Yes to you all, it might seem petty...
Not so, my friend. If it's petty when you do it, then it's petty when we do it. Anything that can bring you to tears is not petty.
The end of innocence... the turning of a page... the beginning of a new period: the beginning of maturity. Welcome to reality, Deacon. Welcome, my friend.
COMF
Prisca

Deacon, I was thinking about your post this morning. Thinking about how that promise of Paradise was just that - a promise. We thought we were already living in a spiritual paradise, yet it turned out to be a mirage.
I don't know exactly what I believe anymore. I believe in some things, but not others. I've accepted new beliefs, and rejected old ones. The rest, are yet to be determmined.
What I do know, is that it's not so important to view things in black and white anymore. I have the time to reflect, to accept and reject.
I am learning every day - about myself, about people, about life. It is exciting, and scary at the same time.
I rejoice that I now have a real choice over how I live my life. I have a freedom I have never known.
I am alive.
ozziepost

Funny, isn't it....
that Jesus said "You will know the Truth, and the Truth shall set you free".
The Watchtower would often proclaim those words. In fact, they even had a study book with the words as its title.
The reality was, and is still now, that rather than securing freedom for themselves, they rather come under bondage to a man-ruled cult.
But now we can really say, Free at last! Many call it Christian freedom.
Cheers,
Ozzie
Freedom is not having to wear a tie.
thinkers wife

Dearest Deacon,
I read your post yesterday and had to give it some deep thought before I replied.
You described so eloquently how I feel, and from the replies, how many others feel as well.
It has been a year since I da'ed myself. And you know what, I still cry. I still become angry when I read things. I started to read Crises of Conscience months ago, I had to stop because I became so angry I just had to give it a rest. I am now reading a book called, "Witnesses of Jehovah", by some people who were in the "truth" for twenty two years. I am in the beginning where they go into the history of the society, I am almost through Knorr's reign. Guess what? I am angry again.
It hurts me so deeply to read of the inaccuracies, the lies, the cover-ups. It hurts me that my family and friends are still under the powerful trickery of such an organization. It hurts me that I was gullible enough to waste thirty eight years of my life, to stay in a seventeen year abusive relationship, to give up child bearing because of the abuse. To think about all the rotten things the elders heaped upon me and I allowed it. It hurts to realize that I know longer have a set and sure pattern of belief. It hurts to know that unwittingly I directed others to this organization and they are still stuck in it.
But, the best part about it is the gradual freedom I am coming to realize. The new thoughts I am allowed to consider without guilt. The new horizons that have opened up. The wonderful life I have with Thinker that would not have been possible if I had stayed in.
I thought that I didn't have choices when I was a Witness. Now the possiblities are endless!!! It is scary but exciting all at the same time.
So Deacon, cry, because you are mourning a great loss. And then wipe your eyes and look at your new vista. Get up everyday and breathe in the clean air of your new life. And thank the Higher power that you were able to have your eyes opened up, albeit unwillingly. Be thankful for each day of freedom you have been given as a gift. For it is a gift!!
TW
Latte

Ozzie,
Yes, Free at last! That's how I feel right now. I feel very happy that I am free NOW, it could of taken even longer......maybe my whole lifetime!! For some they have gave up their whole life for this pipe dream, they have grown old believing it. They have put their dreams on hold, they have pursued very few personally fulfilling things in life.....always, wait til the new system!
I understand Deacons feelings, perhaps I may do so even more in the future, if I am ever dfed. But I would hope that I do not waste anymore of my time going to their meetings, or letting them 'get to me' making me fester on their wrongdoings.
I wish you peace Deacon, I just have to share my song for this month with you (and all) It's "The greatest love of all" most versions are good but I particularly like Whitney Houston. The words are beautiful.
Latte
Tina

Hi Deacon!
I sense from your post(and my heart goes out to you) that you're experiencing grief and the impact of the loss of the 'dream'.
Something that professed to have all the answers met our drives for attachment and security.What a terrifically strong bond that created!
(See Bowlby and Kubler Ross on the stages of grief and loss)
Most of us have experienced this. The ripping aside of the curtain of hopes and dreams. In time we came to see the reality of just what was handed to us. With this acceptance, we began the process of healing. Allowing ourselves to experience and acknowledge the range of emotions that come with this process.
And after the tears,we start learning,learning about ourselves and accepting resonsibility for such. Take it one day at a time.
To paraphrase comf,enlightenment and self-discovery is unique to us. No one has all the answers and you don't have to have an answer right now,today.
After you pass thru the grief/loss process,you'll enjoy your journey. We find and pass over cultural mythos and find new shifts in consciousness that allow us new adaptations,new roles.
There is so much to explore out there. The 'whole' can be found in every part.
You'll come to appreciate how important is is to become free in our thinking,uncoerced by past patterning....... our new living form unfolds out of the previous one,its a metamorphosis. We're not locked into anything anymore. You find free creative space in the spirit of life,which is rooted in our common soil. We exist as part of the continuum.............May your journey keep expanding. warm regards,Tina
Hope I made sense this is written in the time B.C>(before coffee) :>
logical

sorry Deacon

funny old life isnt it....

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