Here is another thought to consider. Perhaps you really were shot in the head during that horrible time. Since I believe we have lived many lives in different bodies, sometimes I think when we dream, or perhaps sometimes even during "waking visions", we have these intense feelings. Naturally, we would tend to project these into the future, but it could be that we are just remembering a tragic piece of a past life.
I used to have these intense feelings that I had experienced some horrible deaths--death by drowning, death by shooting, and death by suffocation. I felt that I had been shot in the back and left alone to die. These were so real and the pain was real as well. In my dream, when I was shot, I would wake up "with pain" in my back, and drenched in sweat, with tears staining my face. It "felt" like I'd actually suffered the event. When it first happened, it was so significant, that I actually thought I'd been shot--I put the light on, expecting to be severely injured with blood all over the place.
The drowning is similar. It is accidental. I am a small child. I sink way down in deep and dark water, and there is no one to help me because I've wondered off from family. I hear them calling for me, but I can't answer. I try to fight my way back up to the surface, but the current pulls me deeper and deeper. I am holding my breath until I cannot do it any longer, and then I close my eyes and the water begins to come into me. My lungs become filled with water and I die. Once I relax it is quite peaceful. When I wake up, I am struggling to breathe and feel exhausted.
The dream about suffocation supposedly happened to me when I was young. Someone held a pillow into my face and I couldn't breathe. Whoever it was hated me very much and was jealous of me. Everything was so real, except I couldn't see who was doing it because it was very dark. For a long time I had to have a nite lite on when I went to bed.
Until I came to appreciate that this might be what was happening to me, the dreams kept coming. Even things in the daylight hours would trigger a memory that would take me instantly "there". It was like I'd be in a trance, until someone would snap me out of it. Sometimes it left me speechless and shaking.
I gradually got rather used to these "visions and dreams" and did not allow them to upset me as much. I have not had too many occurances recently. Not all my dreams are bad at all; some are quite nice. I have had vivid dreams that I could fly. I don't believe I was a bird, because I went "through" things. But, it had height and depth and just felt wonderful. I would fly everywhere and anywhere I wanted. In other dreams I live in the ocean, and I feel like I am either a dolphin or a whale. I really feel like I am this creature, big and gentle and the water is so blue and there is so much water everywhere, and I am breathing in the water and moving about freely and there is much beauty.
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