Is your marriage healthier now that you're out?

by Billygoat 22 Replies latest jw friends

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  waiting

  (((((((((little toe))))))))))) - you're violin doesn't make it better? It made us better - thank you!

  As for my husband and me? We were married around 20 yrs as jw's. We left together - thank goodness. We helped support each other - and stood as a united front against jw family. It helped tremendously.

  My 3 kids left before us - and I'll forever be thankful that they were so kind to us when we learned the truth about The Truth. They gave us room to rant, rave, learn & re-adjust as free people.

  As for my relationship with my husband? Better than before - and it was good before. We're just free now - big difference. We're also not so resentful of each other - as it's hard trying to fulfill false rolls that the WTBTS forced upon us.

  We can be just people now. How refreshing.
• 

  Hapgood

  My husband is still a JW, I walked away from the JW religion 2 years ago. We've been married for 30 years, we were not witnesses when we were married.

  I hate to say this but I feel our marriage has defiantly suffered. I want to move on, but I feel that I can't because of him being a JW. I'm not df or da'd, but I feel that he still expects me to still follow JW rules. I can't be myself around him, there are so many things that I hide about myself, how I feel and think about different things, but can't express them to him. I refuse to lie to him but we have a "don't ask, don't tell" thing going on.

  For example the holidays, I bought Christmas gifts for family members (my family is all non JW's). He saw them (one gift was rather large), but he never asked if they were for Christmas. He didn't say a word and neither did I.

  There's so many things I want to tell him and talk to him about. But there's this huge wall. We really need to talk things out, but there's this huge barrier between us.

  He doesn't even want to talk anymore about why I left the JW religion, I'm on my own. I had to go through the pain of leaving this religion on my own. Kept it all inside.

  When I first left the JW religion, I told him why I took my stand. He seems to respect it. But I live through the fear that our marriage will break up over this. I can't help feel that he is ashamed of me, especially when we are around other JW's.

  I try to respect his right to be a JW. But sometimes I feel so angry and I do take it out on him. But I tell myself that I have to respect his right to chose to be a JW, just as I want him to respect me in the choice that I made, to not be a JW.

  I can't change him, I can only change myself. I know that I need to not use the excuse of him being a JW to keep me from living my life. If I do, I am still following JW rules.

  Basically in a nutshell, we are both ignoring the elephant in our living room :-)

  Hapgood
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  Special K

  Hi Hapgood.

  I was reading your post and thinking..

  Hmm? I wonder if they know there is an elephant in their kitchen...

  and then.. on the last line.. You said it....

  Life is just not fair sometimes...

  ((((((Big hugs)))) hapgood.......

  sincerely

  Special K
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  Hapgood

  Thanks Special K for the hug. I really needed that. I guess I just get down sometimes. Life is not perfect I know, mostly I'm a pretty happy camper though. My hubby is a real good guy, I love him so much. I got to focus on that, and not let the JW thing get in the way. Getting out of the JW religion is like getting out of a spider web. Do we ever get out?

  Hapgood
• 

  codeblue

  Little Toe: I feel so bad for you...hang in there....your wife can change!!!

  I must say, Mr. CB started leaving before me. I thought he was crazy and misunderstood why he was leaving. I equated being in the "truth" with being faithful. My first husband was a JW who was very unfaithful and left the truth before we got a divorce. You can understand my fear when Mr. CB started leaving.

  Yes, that caused distress in the marriage...a lot...but when I saw the Dateline Special about child pedophiles....my doubts began...my rose colored glasses came off!!! In time I started doing my own research. I was actually sharing new things with Mr. CB....lol...can you imagine that...things I have read off this board...documented proof...that helped convince me even more.

  I have to admit, being on the "same page" about the WTBS sure helped our relationship.

  Codeblue
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  Special K

  Your welcome Hapgood... anytime..

  When I left the religion.. I had a long talk to my doctor about it one day..

  she too described the religion as being in a spiderweb.. however, the the big black spider winds its web through the inside of you.. and it takes time to find it, follow it and break it down..

  also had it compared to an onion.. it has sooo many layers.. and burns your eyes like hell when you get the peeling off...

  sincerely

  Special K
• 

  Billygoat

  also had it compared to an onion.. it has sooo many layers.. and burns your eyes like hell when you get the peeling off...

  Great analogy!

  Does anyone see other relationships OUTSIDE of their marriage improving? Do you find yourself BEING a better friend?
• 

  FlyingHighNow

  Does anyone see other relationships OUTSIDE of their marriage improving? Do you find yourself BEING a better friend?

  Yes. I smile and laugh and make fun sarcastic little jokes that keep my coworkers laughing. When I arrive at work they tell me that they are so happy that it's me they will be working with that day. I have always said, "Never miss an opportunity to say something helpful and uplifting to someone who is down." I try to help people anyway I can without being a doormat. I also try very hard not to be judgmental especially with the three fellows at work who are gay. As a result I get hugs from them and big smiles. I also have customers who love me.

  I'm not perfect. I still get irritated with people who are selfish and shallow but I try to love them anyway.

  Heather
• 

  asleif_dufansdottir

  Well, first for the outside relationships. Since none of our families were JWs, yeah, there's less strain now that my (fundamentalist Christian) parents aren't upset that we're in a cult and going to hell (we're still going to hell but at least we're not arguing over religious doctrine). I feel bad for all those years we didn't attend my grandma's holiday meals (we came later because I just couldn't totally hurt her feelings, but I wish we'd been there for the whole thing).

  As for the marriage...well, before we were ever JWs we had our problems. Hubby is from an old-style German American farm family where the women wait on the men hand and foot. He can be a bossy and domineering little fart, as well as passive-aggressive. Then he became a JW...and a few years later I did. I'm amazed now we didn't get divorced. He can be snide and hateful when he's convinced he's right and you're wrong.

  It took us years to get our equilibrium back to "normal". What's normal for us is certainly not acceptable for the JWs, and having someone else tell us how our relationship should work was disastrous. I have to meet him head-on or he tries to bulldoze me completely (he has very little empathy, and can be a selfish sh*t sometimes). People think I'm a dragon lady if they don't realize how I have to stand up for myself.

  Actually, what I think saved our relationship (so far ) was when I started telling him - "What makes you think I give a F^#% what you think???" and meaning it! Sounds bizarre, I know, but he needed to be shaken up. Being, in no uncertain terms, willing to do what I wanted and live my own life without having to ask his permission or even care if we were together, I think made him realize that if he wanted to keep the relationship he needed to start taking me into consideration sometimes.

  He doesn't like what movie I want to go see? Fine, I go by myself and he can sit home by himself. I've had too many years of not getting to do what I wanted because he didn't want to (or dragging him along and listen to him complain until he ruined it). It shocked the crap out of him the first time I said, "Fine. I'll just go by myself and do whatever. I'd rather you stay home than go and complain and ruin it for me." Now we do things on our own that we enjoy, but we do things together because we want to and enjoy them. It's not perfect but it's much healthier than never getting to do what I want and being very resentful.
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  Rick Aust

  WE have only being married for 3 years. But since we have been married I have realised how false the WT is. I was in a spot in the begining, I wanted to stop going to the K/H but my wife still beleived in the WT. So I am still going to allmost all the meetings but don't go door to door, I give answers like a good boy and same even commend me to the quailty of my answers, but0 slowly I am telling my wife a bit more each time, sometmes she listens and sometimes she doesn't but she is getting the point of it all and best of all she can see how unhappy the other poeple in the K/H really are, so at the momwnt I can say I'm getting the best of both worlds.

  I do feel sad for some to have stopped going completely and their partner hasn't, I think its not a good idea to stop attending meetings if your husband or wife still believe in it, it must be handled carefully and done slowly.