When a JW parent dies

Lady Lee

After almost 5 years I spoke with my mother yesterday. I wanted to know if she wanted a copy of the picture I recieved the other day.

She was nice and polite and even asked how I was (a big surprise when she asked).

But it seems she has some heart and respiratory problems. And that got me to thinking.

Not one of her five kids is still a JW. I was the only one who ever got baptized and I am the oldest. She has one sister and one brother who are JWs. Her brother lives nearby and presumably would most likely be the fisrt one there when or after she dies. I have no idea if he would call any of us. He would call his other sister (also a JW) and I am hoping she would call me or one of my brothers. And the elders of course would be notified.

I assume that the JW family will try to take over and exclude the kids from making the funeral arrangements. Now I am assuming that her children have more legal rights in this situation. The JW siblings will insist that the religious rights come first.

But I have no desire to sit at the back and be shunned during my own mother's funeral. If they want to have their KH service I have no problems with that. But I don't want to sit through a JW infomercial about the resurrection and the need to become a JW.

So a plan is hatching in my mind. Let them do their thing. The children can have a ceremony at the funeral home. It won't be religious because none of us belong to any church. But it will be a way for us to have some closure.

So I have some questions.

How far would you go in this situation to have things your way when a parent dies?
As a child would you take over from the JW siblings?
If there is a will (and I don't know if there is but there might be) would you honor her wishes for the JW infomercial and leave it at that?
How far would you go to push through the JW siblings if they insist on the infomercial and shunning?
Would you fight the will if the WTS gets everything and the kids get nothing?
Would you fight the JW family if they had removed things from her home before you got there?

Nosferatu

I would probably let my mother have her Special Funeral Talk, but I wouldn't attend. I've already attended one JW funeral after I left, and I thought it was disgusting. Listening to "As many of you know, XXXX was one of Jehovah's witnesses and therefore has the hope of the resurrection" is NOT considerate to people who are there to pay their respects to that person (if any), and to think about what that person has accomplished in their lifetime (if anything).

Sassy

For me, if my mother died, I would honor her wishes. I know she would want the KH service and the hope that she believes in. I am ok with that, as it is her belief. I don't look forward to any shunning.. but I have my sister and brother who are not JWs too. We'll be sitting together and we will support each other. That is what I will need. And I know there are those who although they are practicing the shunning now to encourage me to come 'back'.. but they would give me a hug any way under those circumstances.. as for those who don't.. oh well..

As far as 'things' being taken by JWs. Well unless my step father dies too, he will get everything.. so that won't be an issue for me.. If she wasn't married however, and any tried to step in and there was no will to say others would get things, I would make an issue of anything taken before we could get there..

Mulan

I am with you Lee. I am in a very similar situation. My JW mother is very elderly but pretty healthy. I think from time to time about what we will do when she dies. My brother is not a JW anymore either, and none of the grandchildren are either. (there is one who is a militant JW, but Mom never hears from her and she lives 2,000 miles away so she will not even be notified) I know Mom will want her memorial at the KH, and I won't stop the cong. from doing that if that is their desire, but I will tell them the family will not be participating. We have all discussed it and will have our own "service" probably at my house.

I suspect the congregation will not bother with a service if it isn't the family-designated one. They don't go out of their way for anyone.

If I had JW siblings, I wouldn't stand in their way, but I personally will never go inside a KH again, so I wouldn't participate in the funeral/memorial or whatever. If it is mom's dying wish and she were to beg me to go back to meetings I would never go back. I might tell her I will, (not sure of that) to make her die peacefully, but after she is gone, what difference would it make? I have thought of discussing it with her now and telling her not to think about asking something like that, which is not beyond her. I fully expect it to happen so I thought it might work to discuss it beforehand.

As far as will are concerned, it doesn't matter with either of my parents. They have nothing to leave to anyone. But if I learned that there was money they left to the WTS I would contest the will. I know others who have done that, and the WTS has capitulated each time, and the family got the money. They didn't take up the battle.

unbeliever

My mother told me she wants her memorial service at the KH. Then she went on to say she wanted to be cremated and wanted her ashes to be spread in the KH gardens. I feel I have no choice but to honor her wishes but her second request is a hard one to follow.

Mulan

You may be able to get out of that one. In many places in the US, it is illegal to do that. Most people do it anyway and just don't tell.

Valis

Unfortunately I think my reaction will be rather ambivalent. Maybe that's callous or harsh....and maybe that will change years from now...one can only hope.

Sincerely,

District Overbeer

Scully

Lee

Your questions made me think about my never-JW (paternal) grandmother's funeral that happened 16 years ago. The only relatives who were JWs at the time were my parents and siblings and I.

My grandmother was not religious and did not belong to any church. However, my dad made a stink when my aunt wanted a non-denominational pastor to say a few words at the service. He said that we were not allowed to attend the service if the service was directed by a person representing False Religion?. At the same time, he insisted on praying to Jehovah in the presence of all the relatives in the family room. I was uncomfortable with that even then, but now I am just disgusted by the My-Way-Or-The-Highway attitude, and the way he imposed JW beliefs on people who did not ascribe to them.

I don't know what I'll do when my parents die. I'll probably let the JWs do their thing, and I'll do my own thing in my own way without making a public display. I've heard through the grapevine that I'm not their daughter anymore anyway.

Love, Scully

anglise

Surely most people who are really concerned about their funereal rites will have written their wishes and instructions down, especially where there is likely to be religious conflict.

If not I would assume that legally if not morally the next of kin makes the decision.

Anglise

Sassy

I guess the thing is for my mother.. her life is JWs... her friends are JWs.. she eats sleeps and thinks JW.. so I couldn't imagine not having one at the KH. People who love her and I do care about them even if I don't do anything with them will need to grieve and say goodbye too..

If my mother were not active and she did not have a spouse who was also active, then I would probably think about just a memorial service at a funeral home..

I sure am not comfortable going to the hall and those are the only reasons I can think of to go to one. I wouldn't go to a wedding. I think it is a great idea for those who do not want to go, to have a separate one. I might mention it to my sister, but i am pretty sure this is one of those time she might be ok with going.. Although she hasn't been to the KH since she was 14 and she is now 39. My brother will just go with the flow..

this is different for me to think about.. it wasn't that long ago that I thought we would live forever..

When a JW parent dies

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