Would you leave your kids with your abusive parents? (page 2)

ScoobySnax

Surely NO-ONE would in their right mind leave their kids with anyone they knew to be "abusive"......or am I just being dense coz I have no kids?

safe4kids

Hi Nos,

Several points jump out at me. First, you stated:

my mother quit beating me in my early teens. This caused me to ask myself, "Has she changed?".

I agree with gumby; that's not evidence of change, more likely evidence of fear that you would indeed fight back. Second, and this I find even more concerning, you said:

She told me that she may have been a little strict in the beginning

This is minimization of what she did; saying that she learned it was 'wrong' in no way negates the fact that she has not accepted full responsibility for what she did and that it was abusive. Perhaps she's changed, then again, perhaps not. In my opinion, children are too vulnerable and precious to allow them to stay with someone who may have a propensity towards violence and abuse.

One other thing to consider is that if you left your children with her, and if she injured them, you could very well be held partly liable in that you know what her history is. I think that your gut is steering you in the right direction. Why risk it?

Dana

needs_lots

I have not posted for a while, but this is important! I too have battled that same question. I had done the wrong thing when my children were little, hoping that things had changed, and most importantly ignoring the past. Let the past be a warning to you. Don't be stupid, your children are your most valuable possession, and if you let someone else hurt them, or put them in a position where something may happen, then they will blame you!!!!!! I always worry that if something ever did happen, and I left them alone, then they would be angry at me for not protecting them. They would have that right. Just because they are your parents, does not automatically give them rights. They had a chance to raise their children, and blew it. Don't give them another. We must protect our childrens rights, they can't.(too little) We don't want our children suffering the same mental abuses as we live with everyday.

Thats my 10 cents.(Make it 1 million). Promise me you won't forget. Your parents might get mad, but oh well, life sucks sometimes...........if they had been good parents, they would have more rights.

vicki

bisous

No... I don't believe a leopard changes its spots.

My son's dad was severely abused by his mother as a child...tied to a chair and whipped with electric cord for one example. Eventually he was removed from her care and raised by his grandmother. Fast forward 20 years....we were together with my 3 year old daughter and our baby son of about 11 months. We had an upcoming vacation, carefully planned for many months. We arranged for care for 1 week by an aunt and my husband's grandmother, women I knew and trusted completely. Although my husband was now reconciled with his mother and wanting to trust her as a loving grandmother, I always insisted our children never be alone with her. We both were physically abused as children and I never wanted that for my kids.

We return from vacation ... my 3 year old daughter runs to me crying, leaps into my arms... hysterical. After calming her down, I discover she had been spanked with a SHOE by this 50 year old woman !!! The kids had been left with her for a couple of hours while the other adults went grocery shopping! 2 hours was all it took! Thank goodness nothing worse than that happened, not that it wasn't bad.

It only takes once...and something horrible that you wouldn't forgive yourself for can happen. Definitely not worth it in my book.

Remember, no one protected us...wouldn't we have given anything if someone would have??? we owe that to our children.

Nosferatu

I too have battled that same question. I had done the wrong thing when my children were little, hoping that things had changed, and most importantly ignoring the past. Let the past be a warning to you.
Promise me you won't forget.

Thank you Vicki. I promise I won't forget. It's difficult to relate to other people's experiences when you've never known any who were physically abused as children. All of you have been a great help.

Remember, no one protected us...wouldn't we have given anything if someone would have???

Hello bisous, you are correct. When I was a child, I wished I could have found some protection. My father did all that he could, but he couldn't watch my mother all the time, he needed to work to pay the bills. He helped whenever he was around, but the minute his back was turned, I'd get it. Then I'd get threatened if I told my father about it.

cruzanheart

Nos, follow your gut. People don't change unless they want to, and it doesn't sound in this situation if your mom even admits that she did anything abusive. Yes, it might cause hard feelings, but when you look at the face of your child, who looks trustingly to you for everything, you will find the strength to say "no." We had to do that with my parents, not because of abuse, but because Mom's Alzheimer's was getting so bad that she wasn't trustworthy around them (put Jackson's diaper on backwards and almost smothered him trying to, as she said, "tuck him in"), and then later on Dad's drinking was so out of hand that we found ourselves giving Jennie instructions about what to do in case of emergency instead of him. That was just plain ridiculous.

And, yes, that is a real photo of Big Tex's parents. Age didn't improve them any, and all the Witnesses did was teach them how to put on a veneer of good manners when they needed to con somebody. I am so glad we found out what they really were BEFORE we had children. And, I'm proud to say, they never liked me!

Nina

Special K

I think this one would be a circumstantial thing for me..

I agree with ones who don't want to leave their kids with sex abuser grandparents. I certainly wouldn't leave my kids with a sex abuser grandparent.

but there are also other types of abusers..

What if a grandparent was an alcoholic and now hasn't drank for a number of years... should I allow my children to be with that grandparent sometimes. Trust in this case, may have been possibly earned by sustained abstinence from alcohol.

I think circumstances, type of abuser,.. and your gut instinct is a good guide...

----------------------

sincerely

special K

bebu

A couple years ago we left our 2 elementary-age boys with my husband's parents. They are really lovely people; they always treated all their grandkids like gold when we visited. But babysitting stress on them was, we learned, too much if it was longer than 1-2 days.

We had an emergency situation, and they agreed to watch our boys for about a week. When they came back home with us, my older son was acting strangely, and then finally confessed that he was convinced that dear grandpa didn't love him or his brother at all. What happened was that our sons had argued with each other (as boys are wont to do), and their grandpa had lost his temper and started calling them awful obscenities. ...I don't remember if it was myself or my husband who brought up this 'delicate' situation with him, to let him know that our sons were distraught, and that it was never right to speak like that to kids!... He humbly apologized and said he knew he overreacted; he didn't realize how frustrated he was. Things like that happen, yes... but we won't let grandpa or our boys be put together like that again. Too hard on grandpa, and our boys.

My husband said that he endured verbal abuse like that while he was growing up, as well as whippings until his mom stepped in and said, "do it again, and I'm leaving with the kids". (It is a tribute to my husband that he has never once cursed or whipped his sons.) We had both thought that grandpa would no longer be held by old patterns because of a lot of real maturity on his part... not just age. As it is, we realized that even tho' it was never grandpa's intent (and probably surprised himself a lot), there is a still lot of work to be done by an individual in overcoming any kind of abuse than simply time or very strong intentions to be kind.

So, I would say, don't overestimate your mom. She may have changed somewhat, but I wouldn't trust her with more than an afternoon or an overnight at this point. Find a babysitter or trustworthy friend for long trips. You'll probably find friends to do babysitting exchanges with by that time, so don't worry so much. You'll have better options by then, I'm sure.

bebu

Billygoat

I'd like to think that my parents would never abuse my child, but I can't say that for sure. When my dad loses his temper it is NOT a pretty thing. The memory of it still scares me. Putting my child through it? No way in hell.

One of my big concerns would be them trying to brainwash my child into their beliefs. If they want to even see my child there are ground rules...no talking about their beliefs...no disciplining my child PERIOD...no "fishing" for information regarding my and Neil's beliefs. Should one of those rules be broken at ANY given time, the contact would stop. End of discussion, end of contact, end of being a grandparent.

SixofNine

Would you leave your kids with your abusive parents?

Good question. It's risky to say the least, so I would only do it for something very important, like a date, or a drug deal that couldn't be rescheduled.

Would you leave your kids with your abusive parents?

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