I?m posting today to get some things out that I haven?t been able to share with anyone else. Why? Because they don?t want to hear it. I?m living in a world of JW? s that do not share my doctrine free, open minded thinking. I was once like them, but I managed to break free. It feels like I am the only one around me that has, however. In other words, I?m alone when it comes to alot of things. I know however, that I am not alone here, and I?d like to first thank all of you here that continue to help me, though unaware, through your uplifting posts. Although, I myself do not get alot of time to post, I read many post from various people and am constantly moved and effected positively, by your influences and attitudes. I love how I can come here when I?m down, read a few posts and I automatically feel better about myself and am able to see that I truly am not alone.
Okay, so now that I?ve got that mushy stuff out of the way, here is my situation. I'm out of the org, though not dfed or da'd. I haven't been to a meeting in 2 years aside from last years Memorial, and I do not plan on ever going back. My outlook up until about 4 years ago (Im 24 now) was that of a typical JW. I questioned nothing further doctrinally once given any answers mainly because they (the organization) were supposed to have all the ?right? answers. I never had any issues with the teachings, although my life was filled with negative experiences with elders and r&f Jws alike. One,I had a physically abusive father and a mother who was not supportive of his behavior, but stood by him none the less in fear of displeasing Jehovah. Along with this, I?ve had other negative and even disturbing events in dealing with elders and other various Jws,that I will not go into detail about. This way I can remain anonymous to any possible lurkers that are familiar with the situations.
Now looking back I also realize I had severe social anxiety throughout most of my early teen years as well. I guess that can be attributed to obvious reasons. Then things changed a bit as I started to grow out of it as I matured. I then seemed to fall into the popular "money crowd" clique within the area congregations which slowly began to give me a little more self esteem. For those not familiar with the above term I used ,I?ll explain: In my area, what you have in terms of material possessions along with how much money you can spend going on vacations with these people, equals how much of a social life you will have with this or any of these types of JW cliques. Now, I am and never was by any means, a wealthy individual. However, living with my parents up until my early twenties, allowed me to afford things with my job, such as a nicer then average car, and it freed up cash that is now spent on the average middle class lifestyle (Mortgage, Food, Etc, )that I currently live with my wife. So having a lot of what I thought were friends around me during this period allowed me to start thinking more positively about my life and were it was going both in the organization and all together. So I still had no issues with the JW belief system even as I got a little older because things just seemed to be going right. So why fix it if it aint broke, right? What I believed didn?t seem to have a negative effect on my life at that time so why change? I just always had that "The Organization is Gods, although not perfect since it is in mans control",sort of thinking. Of course that only worked out until things got really personal, and I reached my breaking point.
Although, I won?t go into full detail, Me and my wife went through a situation in the beginning of our marriage where one of us got dfed. The dfing offence was actually something that happened in the past but came out through certain more recent happenings. It caught us totally off guard and filled the first year of our marriage with the most emotional pain we?ve experienced to date. This said, we obviously did get threw it. This event however and the way it was handled by the JC, other elders, the effects it had on my life, my marriage, and the way my so called friends treated us, was that ?breaking point?. The point of no return where I began to question everything around me, most importantly the Jehovah?s Witness organization. I believe I am now a stronger person because of the things I went through. Not a stronger JW, but a stronger human being.
Fast forwarding two years to present, I have successfully faded (so far) with no major issues. My family knows how I feel about the organization, although they all continue their regular relationship with me and I think they do this for two reasons. #1. They love me, and my mother having lost a child in death earlier in life, does not want to lose another one by whatever means. #2 They are in denial.I think that is a major reason,since I know they all hope that I will eventually see ?the light?. Unfortunately for them, however, I already have.
Now, onto my current battle..My wife still believes its the ?truth? and it is starting to effect our relationship once more. I love my wife more then anything, and I know she loves me. It just feels like nothing will ever be completely right having two completely different views. I don't think its something that should come between us like it seems to be doing. I know I would never want to separate just because of that. I love her to much. She is a good person who believes she is trying to do what?s right. I can honestly say although she may be misguided, she is one of the most genuinely loving and caring people that I have met and have in my life. I guess one of the hardest things to deal with is that I get so moved by the things and experiences I here on this site and just stuff that I randomly think about concerning the organization, that I just feel like I should be able to talk to her about it. Guess what? I can?t. Whenever I bring out something about my disagreement with the society she takes offence. I can?t even get her to think about stuff. A few nights ago, for instance, I brought up how the society teaches that at Armageddon millions of people will be destroyed including children. I said how I thought that was just horrible, and that I don?t want to serve a God like that. One who on one hand, is portrayed as just and loving, and on the other, is capable of just the opposite. A total contradiction. She then got real offensive and said that I always talk negatively about things and that she didn?t want to here it anymore. Now, I?m trying to figure out how I am the negative one when I don?t believe this and surely don?t want anything like that to happen. Her best argument was that she never thinks about ?negative? stuff like that. Now I believe my wife is a very intelligent thinking person, if I didn?t believe that I would not have married her. However, I just can?t get past her reasoning or lack there of.??????
Sometimes I feel so alone in my head. We have a few close friends, fade away or weak JWs who I know feel the same way as my wife,realize I have issues with the "truth",but still consider themselves my friend.(Luckily,not typical JWs.) Its like they think that if they don?t think about things in detail that everything will just turn out fine. Well, thats not me.
I just don?t know if its ever going to come to a point were this doesn?t affect our relationship anymore.One comment she said to me in a heated argument we had a few weeks ago was that she didn?t think she wanted to have children because she was afraid they?d be "mixed up." This was the first time she ever said anything like that and it was very hurtful to me since we were both anticipating having children later on down the road. All I could think of (although I didn?t say it) was that they would only be "mixed up" if she remained an active JW. So of course, she is thinking that she would want to start going to meetings again and raise a JW child/children. If we do have kids, I don?t think I would try to stop her from taking them to meetings. However, I would certainly be there to monitor their social behavior, making sure they weren?t developing certain attitudes and that they weren?t being abused in any way, including mentally.... I guess that would be a huge task, considering all the crap they would try to put into their heads. from early onward, but I wouldn?t know what else to do??? ARRrhhh!! I feel so lost sometimes as to what to do. Sorry, if I?m rambling. I just need to get this out. If any are reading this. Thanks! Any comments, suggestions, or experiences are welcomed and appreciated.