I told my mother to stop contacting me

kyria

After two months of terribly abusive emails from my mother telling me that I "am not capable of appreciating true love" and her weird delusions that I have no friends and my life is a mess, I finally cut her off. I blocked her email address, and I told her to stop contacting me. At least for now.

It feels like a giant weight has been taken off of my shoulders. I've finally moved on. I can't believe what a tremendously long process leaving the Witnesses has been. I'm 8 years gone now, and it still haunts me.

Here is the letter that I sent to her. Perhaps it will help some people here who are in a similar situation.

In retrospect, I suppose I could have softened the letter, but my mother is incapable of understanding anything I say anyway, so it honestly doesn't matter. She simply refuses to acknowledge anything I tell her. This letter was for closure on my part, not for her benefit.

(note that the first line is simply something that she said to me in her last email, which I chose to respond to...)

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>YOU chose to leave DJ and move to NY. Are you any better off for YOUR CHOICE??

Yes, I am.

Please seek psychiatric treatment, you are completely delusional. Write back to me when you make sense. I cannot converse with someone who chooses to ignore facts in favor of some bizarre fantasy concocted only to make me feel like a failure.

You are in a cult. That?s all I will say, that?s all I?m ever going to say because I know you cannot understand it. I know you probably never will.

Please, please, please go talk to a therapist! Try to figure out what the reasons could *possibly* be that neither of your children want to talk to you.

I am sorry if you are hurting, I never meant to hurt you. I just cannot put myself in an unhealthy situation. This is the way it has to be right now. I cannot be subjected to your insane religious rhetoric any more. That part of my life is over. I worked long and hard to overcome it. I was able to be close to you when you weren?t pushing the religion down my throat. Unfortunately you have made it clear that time is over.

If you can?t figure out why I ?speak badly of Jehovah?s Witnesses?, then I can only say that I feel sorry for you.

I love you, but I have to take care of myself. I have to be healthy. You are not healthy, and I can?t be around that right now.

You need to stop blaming me and take responsibility for your actions. You sent me an entire email telling me that every thing that?s happened in my life was my fault. What was the purpose of that?

If we want to capitalize the word ?your?, let?s do it this way: this situation is YOUR choice and yours alone. YOU chose to go back to the Jehovah?s Witnesses. YOU chose to send me terrible, mean email after New Years saying things like I ?have no friends? and ?don?t appreciate true love.? What terrible, terrible things to say to someone, especially since they are not true. This is why I am no longer speaking to you. *I* chose not to respond to such negativity.

I am giving you the courtesy of this reply, even though I know that you will twist it around to mean whatever you want it to mean. You have proven time and time again that you are not capable of understanding what I say to you. It?s all in one ear and out the other.

So here is something for you to forget in an hour: The truth is that I am fine. The truth is that I made the right decision by leaving DJ. The truth is that I am healthier now than I have ever been in my life.

I am trying very, very hard to become the kind of person that the Jehovah?s Witnesses squashed in me. Yes, the Jehovah?s Witnesses. Why do I talk about them as if they ruined my life? BECAUSE THEY DID!! It was an absolutely horrible way to grow up, and neither Noah or I will ever fully recover from it. All I can do is try to make sense of my life now and try to live like a normal, healthy person. I am incredibly, incredibly strong and I have amazing friends who have helped me through some of the worst periods of my life. Friends who were there for me when your Jehovah?s Witnesses SHUNNED me and refused to even speak to me. How loving, right? Let me tell you something about Christian behavior ? shunning a young girl is NOT CHRISTIAN. You are not Christian. You are just a cult member.

Once again, leave me alone.

Love always,

- Kyria

gitasatsangha

that is sad on more levels then I would care to mention. I hope that bridge get's unburned at some point, and both of you can have some kind of relationship. Nothing is permanent, one way or another.

-Just an ole Git

Phantom Stranger

My condolences.

For what it's worth, I went through a similar period with my mom about 12-15 years ago. Eventually softened up and worked - mostly after she figured out (on her own, without me rubbing her nose in it) that I was doing pretty well in life and didn't need her to save me.

Part of why it worked is that I had to let go of my delusion that my mom would ever act like a mom for me, once I became an adult. She got me fed, she got me clothed - any expectations I had after that were my own, and letting go of them was and is painful, but needed.

My mom's still nuts and more nuts every day... but we have a detente, and my willingness to do something like what you've done is a big part of the reason why.

Best wishes,

PS

kyria

For me it is sad mainly on one level: the fact that I have been left no choice but to cut my own mother out of my life.

I also hope that we can reconcile in the future. Thank you.

Phantom Stranger

Oh, you had a choice. Congratulations on making the choice you made.

Regards,

PS

kyria

Thank you. I guess a big part of this is realizing that my mother really is mentally unstable.

My brother cut her out of his life a long time ago, which I think was a big reason I hung on to her for so long. I had so much guilt at being her "only child". Unfortunately, she used my good graces until there was nothing left to give.

She had already told me that she could no longer speak to me because I was an apostate, so I suppose I'm just doing what the elders told her to do anyway.

My sincere hope is that she seeks psychiatric treatment, but I doubt the JW's will allow that.

asleif_dufansdottir

Git,

Some parents are just not good parents, and trying to continually have a relationship with them is like pressing on barbed wire. Eventually, if you're smart, you just step away.

My husband's father (never a JW) is not a nice person. We worked for him the first 10 years of our marriage. We've been gone 10 years. He thinks nothing of calling at 2 a.m. (still) to complain that since we no longer work for him, he has so much trouble finding people who are good workers. Keep in mind that the reason we left is that he wouldn't pay us what he owed us and was constantly belittling my husband for not doing enough...60 or 70 hours a week not being enough (come to think of it, he'd have made a great elder).

When we first left, he would call whoever my husband was working for, in an effort to get him fired, so we'd 'have' to come back to work for him.

We got an unlisted number to get away from this, and didn't have contact for years. We still don't talk to him very often. It's just too painful. He's always right and we're always wrong. No matter what my husband's accomplishments, they are not as important as working on the farm for dear old dad, in dad's eyes...he's just 'wasting his time'.

My husband didn't tell his parents he was going to college until he graduated (Summa Cum Laude). Why? Because if his dad had known, he would have upped the pressure to return to work for him, instead of 'wasting time' going to college. The 2 and 3 a.m. phone calls would have been right back in style. One of the reasons we moved 1500 miles away is so he'd quit showing up on our doorstep in the middle of the night.

Sometimes the break has to be extreme and the message has to be sent loud and clear, otherwise unhealthy behavior just continues to be a problem.

franklin J

kyria,

Despite how sad this letter is; it is something you had to say. You hqve raised some excellent points. You are strong; good for you. And you have made some new "outside" friends that are helping you move on. I was there; not to long ago; and new friends are so important to our "renewing" our lives outside the JWs.

Give your mother some time to settle down. You will prove to her that you are making your own way in life WITHOUT the JW nonsense to interfere with your progress.

Like the rest of us; live and enjoy your life. Don't let the past haunt you.

regards,

Frank

little witch

Kyria,

That must have been hard to write to your Mother. I don't find it stinging on a personal level.

You stated several times that the problem was with the jw's and that her behavior was due to choosing them over you.

You are a grown (and lovely I might add) woman, and you have the right to not be abused.

I use this saying frequently and find it particularly fitting in this situation, " hope for the best, but prepare for the worst".

It sounds as if the ball is in her court if any changes are to be made. You certainly have done your part as her daughter.

I applaud you on your actions, and respect you for preserving your own well-being.

As women, that is hard to do. It seems we are excpected to be all-nuturing godesses for everybody without regard to our own health and well-being.

You go girl!

gespro

Before coming to this board, I thought my situation was unique because of the abusive manipulative person my mother has been. In fact, my situation is a repeat of the abuse this cult is consistently known for. It makes me sick to see it but encouraging to me at the same time knowing I was on the right track from day one.

I am sorry about the nonsense you are going throughbut, I can relate. Hang in there!!

g

I told my mother to stop contacting me

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