You have much passion! And this has two sides. Passion is a wonderful, energetic, sense heightening drug that can enrich your life. And like a drug it can drive and force you to desire the most harmful things. Time will work its magic on you and hopefully your heart and flesh will not look like the roadmap of your passions! I wish you peace! Maverick
JW friend is now JW bf, help.
by am3thy5t 25 Replies latest social relationships
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talesin
im not allowed to date guys.
What's up with this? You're 19 years old, maybe it's time to leave home ...
i know u are all fed up with this
no we're not, this is a caring place, it's okay, really
i know im only hurting myself this way
yes, life is a learning experiece, we all make mistakes. There's enough people out there who will try to hurt you, don't do it to yourself.
but i really cant and
yes, you can
dont know how to let go of him.
I know it's hard since he lives 'next door', but you just decide what you want and do it.
Gosh, it sounds like you are in a difficult situation. Maybe it's time to get out on your own, away from home, and experience some freedom. If he loves you and wants a future, he can do the same.
here's a hug
Things are tough right now, try to think clearly and make healthy choices for your future.
talesin
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Sara Annie
I hate to be the one to give you this news, but you are suffering from a severe case of being 19 and infatuated. There is one known cure: Time.
Nothing you've written about is tied to a deep abiding love or respect for this boy you like. When people act irrationally (like you stated that you have several times in only two days recounting of this relationship) they are often motivated not by love, but by a very intense infatuation with the idea of who this boy is and could be in your life. You leave to go home, then 'end up' at his door. You make up excuses to see him when you know it's futile. You call him giddy with infatuation the day after you vow not to pursue a relationship with him. It's time to step back, dig deep and find the self respect you're repressing, dust it off and put it back on. Will you miss him? Sure. Will it feel like your heart is breaking? Probably. Will you get over it and be better for having done so? YES.
This boy is not your destiny, he is not your savior. He is a guy you might have had some sort of normal relationship with had there not been several strikes against you from the get go. Gather up your dignity and remind yourself that before this boy you now want to 'help' came into your life, you weren't falling apart at the seams. You won't fall apart when you let this fantasy go, either. You'll be fine--be gentle with yourself during the process and you will be just fine.
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family_man
today i went to college
This is a good start. As Maverick said you have a lot of passion. Try to channel it towards this present goal. College is a great source of intellectual enlightenment. And if you really want to pursue this relationship (which I highly discourage) you will need it. The WTS has a hold on all it's member's and they seem to do it through subtle yet agressive psycological principles. Like most here you should not pursue this, but if you do, before you go further - you should show him the truth. And this comes through knowledge and research. It won't be easy given that the WTS seems to be his families religious legacy...
i put on this mask to cover up what i was feeeling.
Others with more experience with this will tell you this is pretty common...this will be a way of life if you continue the relationship....
i know u are all fed up with this. giving me all that advice and me not taking any of it in.
Negative. This is far form the truth... everyone here wants to help others in your situation as those before them helped them and so forth (they helped me as well )... Just keep posting here anytime you feel you need to let it all out... someone is always here to give you their insight and experience .. a lot of it is stuff you don't want to hear, but you should take this advice before you get in too deep...
Hope you feel better and gain the strength to overcome this....
FM
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Rabbit
Am...
Talesin said:
Gosh, it sounds like you are in a difficult situation. Maybe it's time to get out on your own, away from home, and experience some freedom. If he loves you and wants a future, he can do the same.
I agree with her, too. Human emotions are the most powerful force on earth, I think. Please ponder on what everyone has said, they are speaking from true experiences.
Here's another thing about JW's that I do not think has been mentioned. HE may may very stong feelings towards you, too. The reason you're getting strange vibes from him might be this -- he may be in a terrific struggle with his JW manufactured 'conscience'. Remember...you were told by another poster...he cannot date you if you are not a JW? That is true...do you know what can happen to him if he does? He could be 'disfellowshipped', this means he will lose all of his friends, relatives and even his Mom & Dad, his brothers and sisters who are JW's ! How? They will NEVER speak to him again, they will avoid any contact...like he and you have the plague. They wll NEVER accept you into their family or his circle of friends, as they are to have 'nothing to do with non-believers'.
He knows this. Maybe he trying to 'get out', he is sure not following their rules. This is serious shit, it's WHY he's never brought you home to 'meet the folks'. If you ever have sex with him, he may feel compelled to 'turn himself in', possibly getting disfellowshipped for that...and a lot more things.
I hope he can get out...it will be very hard. You should know what you're getting into. Like others said, "Read this forum." Especially, any topics you see about 'Disfellowshipping'
Ask him about all of this...
and "Welcome to this board"
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William Penwell
You know that JW's are a cult of conditional love. Your BF will either leave the cult or try to convert you over to their way of thinking. He will never accept you for who you are. So if you want to put yourself through years of hell and aggravation, be advised if he doesn't leave the JW's that is what you will be putting yourself through.
Will
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Sentinel
Put the emotions of a person trapped in a dogmatic religion, mix in his own libedo and human sexual hormones, add one vulnerable young girl with her own libedo and human sexual hormones, and you've got one hot bowl of gumbo. When you've both eaten it all, you will get very sick and never want it again.
You will look back and have regrets....if he didn't use a condom, you will have even more regrets. He can't love you because he doesn't know who he is. Do you want to struggle with his problems for years to come? Do yourself a favor and if you really care about him, leave him alone. Even though you are saying that you don't have those desires, I believe you do. Why not? You are only human. He is a human and a JW. He needs to make some decisions in his life and he must do them alone before he can even attempt to have a normal relationship with anyone else.
We fool ourselves into believing that the hormones won't surface and that we can control them, and that just isn't human nature. You are both on fire right now. He really is trying to spare you, but at the same time, he wants to get closer and closer to you. You will end up getting more hurt than you are right now if you don't step back and take a look at this situation with realistic eyes.
/<
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petespal2002
It gets better, but when you are 19 and 'in love' there seems no way out. There is of course, and if you are able to give yourself a breathing space the pain will subside enough for your better judgement to surface.
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am3thy5t
Nosferatu
You are right. People can't just shut off their emotions. If anything, one person will be holding back their feelings for the other person. And I think that he is holding back . His keeping his distance from me and I know that it is for the good, but this just hurts me more. Knowing he likes me still but is pulling away.
Aunthill
I?ve cut my losses. Im not going out with anymore. But I cant make a permanent break with him.
Talesin
Yes I am 19, but no I cant leave home. I am the eldest daughter in the family and have only one younger brother. My parents are strict. They also still think very traditionally. But I would love to live on my own, go thru hard times, learn from mistakes, and be more responsible. My parents nurture me too much and they don?t know that I need to grow up on my own now ? I always tell them that but they just get upset and etc and then theres a cycle of quarrels.
Sara Annie
Perhaps you are right. That it has been infatuation all along and not love. But I don?t think that what I felt for him was infatuation?
Rabbit
I?ve read a bit about the disfellowship. I asked him long ago, ?what would happen if the elders or anyone knew about us?? and he said that he would probably get some sort of warning. I know he knows the consequences, perhaps that?s why he agreed when we decided to be just close friends and not bf/gf. At least that way he wouldn?t be that severely punished? Im not sure.
William Penwell
I highly doubt he will leave the WTS. I know he was baptised around the age of 10 or 11, and that his parents divorced when he was 13 or 14. He has been left scarred emotionally (esp. by his dads actions upon the family members) and I think that from 1998 til now?he has not moved on. This is one of the reasons why im willing to be by his side, because I want to help him. I want him to be happy and not be constantly occupied with thoughts that will only make him feel more miserable. And also, because of his parents split, u got to remember that it was the fellow JW?s of the community that helped his family get by.
Plus, I doubt he?d try to convert me. There was this one time where we first spoke of his religion, and it was that time that he told me we couldn?t go out because im not a JW. That night I looked in his eyes and I knew it hurt him to say that to me. Anyways, he even said so himself that he didn?t want to preach me when I asked about his religion?so yeh I don?t think he?d try converting me.
Sentinel
You too are probably partly correct there.
And to everyone else that commented, thankyou. It was ur knowledge and experience that had impacted on my decision to break up with him. And... it was ur advice and support thats helping me this healing process.
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William Penwell
am3thy5t
Plus, I doubt he?d try to convert me. There was this one time where we first spoke of his religion, and it was that time that he told me we couldn?t go out because im not a JW. That night I looked in his eyes and I knew it hurt him to say that to me. Anyways, he even said so himself that he didn?t want to preach me when I asked about his religion?so yeh I don?t think he?d try converting me.
Take it from an ex JW, if you get married your BF will have a lot of pressure put on him to convert you over. I can recall circuit and district convention where the WT society would show you how to talk to an "unbeliever" and bring them over to their way of thinking. They believe it is their God given right to convert everyone they come in contact with. So unless your BF has good resolve and not bow to the elders pressure, his mission will be to convert you over to the JW way of thinking.
Will