JW friend is now JW bf, help.

by am3thy5t 25 Replies latest social relationships

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  am3thy5t

  ok i just need some advice/views on this.

  i have a friend whos a JW and last october we started to hang out together (just us two). everything was fine, we'd talk, watch movies etc. then i started to feel different towards him, i started to like him. there were things he'd done and said which pretty much gave me the impression that he liked me too.

  then one night we went to the movies and he had his arm around me etc, it was like we were going out. i didnt get his arm off or anything cos i liked how we were. after the movie he drove me home and it was like nothing had happened. the following night we talked about it and it was for certain that we liked each other. he then had to go interstate for work and before he left he said he had something to tell me and that it wasnt good news. he said he had to tell me face to face, so i waited til he came back. when he was back he didnt mention anything about it until i had to ask him about it.

  it turns out that he couldnt go out with me cos im not a JW. that really hurt me. then days and weeks would follow and i couldnt get over him, i still liked him and by this time i had fallen much deeper for him. so i conffronted him and said 'were young , we're not getting married, why dont we just go out and see how things go, i mean things might not even work out etc'. he said he needed time to think so 2 days later he replied and said yes and now we're both going out.

  ive also been suffering from deprssion for the past few years and ive pretty much been anti-social, til he came along. just recently he told me he was still trying to get over his childhood crush (we're both 19) and at first i was ok with it. then i started to replay everything i started to get annoyed. i asked myself, "is he with me because he was lonely back in last october and i happened to comfort him? am i replacing that girl?".

  anyways now im really stuck. i want to end this relationship because it seems like its getting nowhere. im always depressed, and so is he. but i really like him and cant bare the thought of losing him.

  advice?
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  seeitallclearlynow

  Hi Am,

  I don't have much advice, but I will tell you that Jehovah's Witnesses are a very closed society. They are taught very deeply ingrained ideas about those on the "outside" in "the world" and relationships between believers and "unbelievers" are very difficult. Even friendships of a non-romantic nature are strongly discouraged and looked down on, so even if your bf is not just on the rebound and a real relationship develops between you, the two of you will have a hard time.

  But I wish you both all the best, and who knows, you could be the one who helps him out of the high-control religion that he is in. Hopefully you will not join them. They are extremely judgmental and their love is very conditional and surface, and their shunning policies are very cruel, destroying the happiness of many a family.
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  Nosferatu

  it turns out that he couldnt go out with me cos im not a JW. that really hurt me.

  JWs are only supposed to date other JWs, and when they date, they're supposed to be looking for a marriage partner. They're also not supposed to date until they hit "maturity" (according to the JWs, maturity begins in a person's early 20s).

  then days and weeks would follow and i couldnt get over him, i still liked him and by this time i had fallen much deeper for him.

  Believe it or not, I can actually explain this.

  1) Ever hear that when two people are separate, they miss each other? That's basically what has happened with you.

  2) Also, people want what they can't have

  3) When you constantly think about a person that you like, you're going to develop even more desire to be with that person.

  so i conffronted him and said 'were young , we're not getting married, why dont we just go out and see how things go,

  Again there's the problem. You're not getting married, so he's (technically) not supposed to continue seeing you.

  anyways now im really stuck. i want to end this relationship because it seems like its getting nowhere.

  This is probably the best thing you can do. Unless you become a JW and marry him, you're not going to get too far with him. JWs are also supposed to wait until they're married to have sex. If you want to get some, you'd best move on.

  BTW, welcome to the board! Good luck
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  aunthill

  Hi, am3thy5t, and welcome to the board,

  You are not going to like what I am going to say, but I hope you will read to the end and give it some very serious consideration.

  My life story: I got married, then became a JW, but my husband didn't. Let me tell you this: Love is NOT enough. I loved my husband, but the Watchtower Society, very subtly, tries to tear marriages between JWs and non-JWs apart. I speak from 25 years of experience. I was very lucky that my husband didn't leave me (or that I didn't leave him) but those 25 years I was in the WT, our marriage was a living hell. Fortunately he was there when I finally came to my senses, and the past 10 years have been wonderful, bless his heart for hanging in there. In the meantime I messed up 3 kids because of this cult.

  You have no idea how destructive this cult is. It is "mind control" in the most insidious sense of the words. When people talk about "brainwashing" you get visions of a cinderblock cell with people badgering you and depriving you of sleep until you can't stand it any more, and eventually you are so exhausted that you begin to believe they are right. In the Watchtower Society, it is a slow, creeping process that sneaks up on you unawares (unless your bf was brought up a JW, in which case he has been indoctrinated since birth.)

  If it progresses to the point of marriage, you can go ahead and marry him and learn by bitter experience the truth of my, and others who post here, words - or you can take a breather and think about exactly what you want for your life.

  1. Do you want constant strife and conflict that will inevitably come because he believes one way and you believe another?

  2. Do you ever want to face the possibility that your child may be ill and need a blood transfusion but your husband is totally opposed, and may leave you if you authorize a transfusion, or that your child may die because you are afraid he would leave you if you granted a transfusion?

  3. Do you want to NEVER celebrate Christmas (and other holidays) as a family. Or do you want to do as my husband did, take the kids to your parents' house for Christmas, while he stays (disapprovingly) at home. I'm here to tell you that it's no fun for either of you and just creates more friction.

  There are so many other situations that come up in a "divided" household, and that is what it is, divided, that I can't begin to list them all. On the subject of "divided," a man and woman are supposed to cleave to each other and become one. Their purpose is to be united in life purposes and goals, and united in rearing their children. If one is a JW, and the other is not, there is no way they can be united, rather, they are "untied" and every one in the family suffers, being pulled in different directions.

  I urge you to cut your losses and make a permanent break with him now before you become evern more emotionally involved. You have only been seeing him for less than 6 months for Pete's sake! It's not a lifetime commitment! You are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you, and it is your choice, and yours alone, how you will spend the rest of it - in happiness or unhappiness. Go get an education or a profession. Go have FUN! You are too young to get tied to an anchor that will end up drowning you in a sea of misery.

  My next advice is to read, read, read this board, and see what others are suffering, who have left the bOrg, but still have spouses and children in it. Don't think you are special - trust me, love is not enough, you have to live in the here and now, and with his family, who will make your life a living hell.

  In any case, good luck.

  Aunthill
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  am3thy5t

  Thankyou very much for all ur responses.

  I have good news. Tonight i went over to my bfs place and it was really awkward at first. But we slowly started talking...talked until i stood up and walked out of his room. As i was half way down the stairs he told me to wait. So i stopped. I was pissed off etc and just said to forget everything cos its over. He didnt stop me walking outta the house. I walked to the park and cried there. Then i got up and was going to walk home, but stopped at his door step and rang his doorbell. He opened tthe door and i just hugged him and cried. We went upstairs and started to talk properly about everything. I know he has problems, and i told him i was willing to be by his side and help him get through it all.

  So we made up. But whilst in each others arms, things didnt feel right. And then we both agreed to have a physical relationship. Cos when we both thought about it, maybe we both got together not because we liked each other but because we enjoyed each others company. So me and him are now close friends. Theres no emotions in the equation, besides the love that a friend feels for another. Theres also no sex involved.

  And to be honest, i feel much better, much alleviated. Like ive got everything off my chest and im breathing in clean crisp air.
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  Nosferatu

  Theres no emotions in the equation, besides the love that a friend feels for another.

  I highly doubt this is possible. People can't just shut off their emotions. If anything, one person will be holding back their feelings for the other person. In my experience, after any kind of romantic relationship, it's best to make a clean break with the person to let all the feelings and emotions fizzle out and move on. Perhaps, years later, the friendship can resume after each person has long since moved on.

  My thoughts on it anyway.
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  Maverick

  Nos is dead on, RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN! As I live and breath you will be sorry if you hook up with this guy! Maverick
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  family_man

  Am ...

  Welcome to the board. I've only been posting here a few weeks and am by no means a first hand expert on the JW's mind control. I am however married to one who is fading away. Luckily, I found out about their mind controll early on in our mariage and we have been making progress towards distancing from them day by day.

  Although my wife was only in the early stages of her indotrination the controll was already taking a strong foothold in our family life. This resulted constant arguments and fights ... and this from a nonbaptized JW. Apparently after the dunk in the fish tank it gets even worse.

  Our fight's culminated in strong statements and feelings making us doubt that we should've married to begin with, given that we were of different fatihs. This made for a difficult situation seeing as we have a child. One thing I've learned from this is that you should not get involved seriously with someone of different faith, especialy when they are devoted to one such as the JW's who require comitment to them above all else.

  Nos and Aunt Hill are right, you should cut your losses now and find someone more spiritually compatible with you (if your looking for something serious). Either way if it's casual your looking for a JW is not the way to go... As you get serious unless your able to show him the truth you are in for a world of hurt ...

  Sorry if this sounds harsh , but ask a lot of people who have taken years to heal in their post WTS lives ... the truth is brutal
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  CPiolo

  am3thy5t Let me join the chorus here and advise you against any sort of romantic relationship with a JW if you are not a member of the faith. I am a nonJW married to a JW. Just like the previous posters, this has caused an enormous amount of stress, conflict, anguish and heartbreak. Let me list some of the conflicts you can expect. The JW in your life will NOT Celebrate any holidays or birthdays with you, your friends and family. Want to spend much time with those not of the faith (in other words, all your friends and family). Agree about life-saving medical treatments for themselves and any children produced by the union. Agree to any religious education or services other than that provided by the JWs. View you as a spiritually equal person unless you convert to their faith (not recommended). These may not seem like much, but believe me, things you once took for granted and hardly gave a thought to become sources for contention, conflict and argument. You soon find yourself biting your tongue and withholding comment for the sake of maintaining peace. But each time you do, you lose a little bit of yourself, your freedom and your relationship with the JW. Things progress until there's not much left but small talk. Your initial dreams of love and happiness have evaporated and you long for a place and for people with whom you can just be yourself. You've lost your personal freedom and a healthy environment for both personal growth and growth within the relationship. I don't recommend it. But, you're young and may not heed the advice offered here. I didn't when I was your age. So, if you do end up pursuing a relationship with this boy and things begin to go as I described, please remember this place and the people here. They will offer you solace and advice when you need it. It was a refuge for me when I first confronted my situation. I wish you all the best. Peace and prosperity, CPiolo
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  am3thy5t

  ok i was wrong. dead wrong.

  today i went to college feeling all crap. it felt like something had drain out all the energy in me. then whilst im in class i feel like im gonna throw up, and i did. anyways my vomitting has got nothing to do with what im feeling now.

  tonight i called him and we spoke like normal friends. only thing was i think i was real transparent. wat i mean is i felt so high, i had so many things to say to him, as if he were someone i hadnt seen for years. i was on such a happy note that i think he probably knew it wasnt me talking. and u know what? it wasnt. i put on this mask to cover up what i was feeeling.

  what im feeling is pain. i miss him terribly.

  we talked about this new relationship between us, and i told him that last night i was OK with it all. but now, it just seems wrong. doesnt seem right. its not what i want. what i want is still him.

  i found myself thinking up excuses to see him. for example his taking next wednesday off work, and i asked whether he wanted to go see a movie. i know it was stupid of me to do that, but i had to. i cant let him go. ive grown so close to him, and the funny thing is, we both live behind each other. but despite that, we hardly saw much of each other when we were going out. cos he had to hide it from his family, and i, well i had to hide it from my parents, as im not allowed to date guys.

  i know u are all fed up with this. giving me all that advice and me not taking any of it in. im really thankful, and really sorry. i know im only hurting myself this way but i really cant and dont know how to let go of him.