An Interview With Lady Lee

by Valis 53 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

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  Will Power

  Thank you - great interview.

  It's been hard to get on the board this week - march break & all. This has helped.

  I hope you do publish a "book or two". and as you mentioned, there are many forms of abuse, physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, financial..... all leave the victims changed for life.

  Publishers (like the WT) would have trouble with the internet as competition. (LOL) But when the aim is to HELP and not be a CASH COW, the complimentary internet exposure is not only a great marketing tool (if you want to look at it that way) but an expansion and enhancement of the writer's personality and conviction. This is the mission statement of a small town publisher feeding a very large audience.

  You are right about ...Not much out there for men...and because they are men/boys the approach etc should be different - catering to their way of thought processes.

  And on the flip side - just think if the abuser got just as much counselling as the victim.

  times up

  will
• 

  Sassy

  Thank you Valis and Lady Lee for this. I appreciated this thread. We so appreciate having you on this board Lee and to hear more about you and your insight into your work was excellent.

  I really appreciated this point for myself

  I have only one word of caution about this. Sometimes people are so busy gathering information and telling their stories that they aren?t really processing what happened. There is a very important difference. When a person goes through what happened to process it they begin to make sense of it. How did certain aspects of what happened affect me? What other factors were going on that affected me? What did I think and feel at the time and how did that affect me? How does it all affect me today? What do I need to change? Unless these things are answered the person can be on this endless cycle of disclosure without any real healing.

  I think I have done that here regarding my healing and dealing with my exit issues.. I can see how at times I go through the motions of healing when in fact am I really doing that, really comtemplating it all as I deal with things, or just moving from one crisis on to another? This reminded me of a time (one and only time) I stood in line to get autographs after a concert from a band. I was so nervous that by the time I got up to the first band member I was so rambling nonsense and I was shuffled from one band member to the next with the signatures. One stopped me. He literally put his hand out like a top sign and then paused waiting for me to pause and then said HI and smiled. How are you? I realized what I was doing, just racing through the line but not really contemplating or getting even any fun out of it.. it was like robotic moves and he allowed me to see that and then smiled as he smiled I got the point... it was a pretty cool thing. I guess my point is, I wondered after reading your words if I have been doing the same thing here.. running through the exit issues.. talking about them, but really thinking?..

  maybe your comment there was like that hand being held out, that "stop sign" to contemplate ...

  Thank you..
• 

  xenawarrior

  WOW !!! Great job Valis and Lee !!! Thank you for taking the time out of your busy lives to share this with us ! Very interesting and informative. Would be a great idea for an ongoing series !!

  XW
• 

  Valis

  Ya XW...maybe me and LL could get syndicated...eheh

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
• 

  avishai

  Wow.
• 

  Valis

  thanks avi...& shameless bttt...

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
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  Lady Lee

  Sassy You aren't alone in using methods to unload. A lot of people do that. That is one of the reasons why counseling can be more helpful than talking to a friend. The counselor has a goal to help you gain insight into your experiences.

  For some people a listening ear is all they need. I know that sometimes by just talking it through with someone I am able to hear myself and find my own answers. Other times I need more guidance. And a lot of people use journaling (writing out their thoughts) as a tool. it helps them slow down their thinking so they can better analize what is going on.
• 

  Big Tex

  Fantastic interview! Wow, there is so much to comment on.

  LL, I think you and I sought treatment around the same time (mid 80s) and you are absolutely right. There was little information regarding adult survivors and what there was, was all aimed at women. I remember being overjoyed when Mike Lew came out with "Victims No Longer".

  I agree that many of the issues are the same, sexuality, helplessness, control, etc. but I also think men (making a broad generalization here) do find it harder to talk about. A lot of it may have to do with society's rules for men, i.e. men should not show emotion (cry) or show vulnerability, and then there are a lot of mixed signals sent out if the abuse was male on male. I'm not in any way saying that it is more difficult for men, or that abused males have a harder time (talking about abuse is not easy for anyone!) but I do think fewer men seek treatment than women and these issues might be influenential.

  I also wonder how much denial plays a role in people, men and women, seeking treatment. It's so much easier to pretend it didn't happen, and medicate the pain by getting drunk every weekend or lighting up a jalapeno-laced doober than to actually go in, sit down and tell another human being the most God-awful stories. And then, even worse, to have all those buried feelings come up. You feel like shit for months on end. It's so much easier to limp along in life than to face up to it.

  Chris
• 

  Lady Lee

  I too was thrilled when Mile Lew's book came out. Finally there was something specifically for men. Now there are a few others but still nothing compared to what is out there for the women. Mind you a lot of the information in the books for women do apply to men but it is the added dimension of "boys are tough" and "boys don't cry" that is needed for men.

  I have to agree about the issue of same gender abuse - it can be a real issue for men and in an odd way more so than female to female. I suspect homophobia is much greater on the male side and that would raise stronger issues for the males.

  I think most people actually decide to do the work because living day by day in pain becomes so hard that they are willing to do the therapy with the hope that one day the pain will stop. - sort of like having a doctor rest your broken arm (which can hurt like h*ll) but the end result is that your arm will heal properly

  I think too that many of the disclosures by men who were in the church or in residential scools and orphanages is helping many other men to come forward. It is always hard to do something if you think you are the only one. I know when I started therapy I knew there were others but I had no idea how many. As more women came forward it encourages others to come forward too. And it gains momentum. But that does seem to be going more slowly for the men and I suspect that there is still a stronger sanction for men to come forward and them not knowing where to go. There aren't a lot of services even now. I live in an area with a large population of men that came from the residential schools. And there is still no program here for them.
• 

  Swan

  Do your past clients maintain a relationship with you or do they make a fresh start of it?
  
  Lady Lee: Before I moved many of my clients maintain contact, always with the option of returning to therapy if they needed it. A few have opted to return to therapy with a male therapist to resolve certain issues. I have strict boundaries about post-therapy social contact. Many of my clients ask about friendship after counseling. Because boundaries are such a huge deal in adult/child abuse it is crucial that I not continue that pattern. I let them know I respect and admire them and would prefer to be available in the future as a therapist if they need it. And they all know how hard it is to find a therapist that they can work with. One person was in therapy for 17 years before she found me. And that isn?t uncommon. And then of course there are those who move on to newer things in their lives

  Have you ever had any of your clients miss you a lot afterwards? Have you ever had any who did not want the therapy to end or couldn't find closure?