An Interview With Lady Lee

by Valis 53 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

• 

  Puternut

  Lady Lee, Valis.

  This is very hard to read post. Not that you are making it difficult to understand, but the subject matter is one that is affecting me deeply. I am trully appreciative of both your efforts. I find that not only the abuse is hard to cope with, but so is the healing. It is an emotionally painstaking task, to have your mind and heart reformed to what you are used to. There are times I have to put my healing on hold for a while, so as not to be in too much pain. I find myself reaching for things to kill the pain, that are more harmful than helpful. But at times the emotional anguish is so great that I want the memories to stop haunting me. Desperation and depression are a difficult things to endure.

  So when I have my good days, I have to force myself not to think about these matters. I have wanted to cut them out of my memory banks, but there are some deep rooted issues that I am unable to remove succesfully. There are many scars and the wounds, for some reason never seem to heal. I am constantly having to nurture the open wounds, and it appears they will be there for life.

  I have to read this thread and another one by Lady Lee with one eye closed, so as not to have my heart become to heavy. But I know I have to peer into this.

  Puternut
• 

  Big Tex

  Puternut

  It is hard to look at. But realize how strong you really are. You survived it. Not everyone does. Give yourself that gift, the knowledge that you are that strong.

  You sound a bit like myself. It's easier to stay in your head, focus on other things, even have too much to drink. Anything to avoid feeling. And it's not just pain, is it? There are waves and waves of fear, and sadness and anger and around all of that is this sense of shame. The shame is there to keep you quiet. It was put there by those that hurt you.

  A real breakthrough for me came when I was told that all of these feelings, didn't belong to me. They came from someone else. They came from the people who hurt me. And I realized that my job was take all of this shit and dump it back on them. The only thing was, it hurt and I hated wading in there.

  The thing is, the longer you avoid it, the longer it is there. You don't have to feel like this the rest of your life. Is is hard, and it is big, so don't push yourself too far. Do what you can when you can. But don't stop. Keep looking at it, keep talking about it.

  It does get better.

  Chris
• 

  Valis

  Valis: So, when we look at the bigger picture we find the need for many kinds of therapy. Do counselors generally fall into specific categories, or is the kind of counseling you refer to kind of a blanket method?
  
  Lady Lee: Most therapists do focus on one perspective. Some are into the behaviors, others focus on the feelings, some want to push pills, etc. I use a very loose eclectic approach ? whatever works for the person. It tends to be a combination of many different things ? a focus on thoughts and feelings and behaviors, a focus on the past and the present, and a focus on both the individual and the social structure around them (friends, family etc.).
  
  People are more than just their feelings or behaviors or what they believe. Personally I think focusing on all of the parts results in lasting changes.
  
  Valis: Lee, you mention therapy for the abuser being an important aspect of an overall healing process. Are there specific methods that cut down of the rate of recidivism among abusers?
  
  Lady Lee: To date there hasn?t been a lot of success at rehabilitating the abusers. I haven?t looked into the work that is being done in this area. But I have this idea that since so many abusers were at one time victims themselves that the only way to possibly help them is to take them back to deal with their own victimization. Then they need to learn new ways to deal with those issues instead of acting them out on others. But as I say that is just my very untested idea.
  
  Valis:Are there instances where an abuser and the abused come face to face during the recovery process?
  
  Lady Lee:There was a program in the US (CA I think) that did this. They claimed a very high success rate. I?m not too sure what happened to them though.
  The separated the abuser out of the family and everyone got counseling. The abuser had to plead guilty in court and agree to the counseling. If he backed out he went to jail ? period. When the child victim was ready she could start counseling with her abuser. And if she was never ready that was OK. There was a lot in this for the abuser to play the game and go along with the counseling ? he avoided jail-time (not the record though). As I say I don?t know what happened to the program. Here I found a link with some info regarding the book that the program is based on.
  http://www.sbbks.com/int-treat.html
  
  As for the adults: the adult survivors I work with have done a wide range of confrontations. Some have written letters but not sent them. Others have sent the letters. Some opted for a face to face meeting either alone (which is what I did) or with a friend and in some cases with the therapist.
  
  There are some cautions about doing a confrontation face to face. If the offender has a history of physical violence and there is a concern for the safety of the survivor, then a confrontation should not occur. Resolution can be achieved in other ways without the face to face meeting (letter writing, role playing, or the phone).
  
  A confrontation should never be about getting the person to acknowledge their abuse. It is about stating:
  
  This is what happened
  This is how I felt then
  This is how I feel now and
  This is what I want.
  
  The confrontation is about the survivor having his or her say regardless of the response by the abuser. Most won?t admit it or will place the blame elsewhere so expecting them to finally accept responsibility for their actions is a set-up for the survivor who will often walk away feeling reabused. If, however, the agenda is to have their say then it can be an extremely empowering experience.
  
  Valis: Assuming the above scenario might happen let's imagine for a moment the abuser is a parent. How does the approach differ and what extra issues have to be dealt with in a case like that?
  
  Lady Lee: Whether the abuser is a parent or someone else the strategy would be the same. But the person needs to really deal with these issues in therapy before they try a confrontation to really come away feeling empowered.
  
  For example: a letter might start with
  
  When I was 4 yrs old you did?? This continued until I was 8 when ?? happened. (Expand on exactly what happened so there is no confusion about the facts).
  
  While you were doing these things I felt?? The next day I felt??. I grew up with feelings of ??. Sometimes I did ?.. to deal with those terrible feelings.
  
  I am now an adult and need to take control of my life and stop allowing the hurt you caused to make my life difficult. Even today I suffer from?.. because of what you did. I still feel ?..
  
  But I need to move on. This is what I want from you now:
  No contact (or supervised contact) with my children
  Money to pay for therapy (you can always ask)
  You to come to therapy with me.
  You to stop contacting me /controlling me.
  I need to break this silence and stop protecting you at my expense/
  (be creative ? find the things you really need from this person)
  
  Valis: AND have you found in your experience that abuse by a parent or relative goes on longer without being reported than otherwise?
  
  Lady Lee: From what I have seen, abuse by a relative or parent or a close family friend can go on much longer than from acquaintances and strangers simply because of the continued access. There have been cases though, where clergy, coaches and teachers have been able to attain the long-term access and therefore continue the abuse.
  
  In all of these cases the child will be more confused about their need to protect themselves vs. protect the abuser or family or their relationship with that person.
  

  Thanks again Lady Lee! We'll be having more as time goes on. If you have comments or questions for Lady Lee and feel uncomfortable doing so publicly then PM me and we can do so anonymously.

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
• 

  outnfree

  WOW, you guys! How very wonderful this whole thread is! Thanks!

  And Chris wrote:

  A real breakthrough for me came when I was told that all of these feelings, didn't belong to me. They came from someone else. They came from the people who hurt me. And I realized that my job was take all of this shit and dump it back on them.

  I found this to be true in therapy for other than abuse, also. We must stop letting others write scripts for us! Asking ourselves, "Who told me that?" and refusing to participate in their little drama for us, rewriting scripts that make us feel GOOD about ourselves and our progress and our accomplishments in areas "other than..." IS our job! May those of us who are hurting learn this lesson well.

  outnfree
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  Lady Lee

  Puternut

  Yes recovery work is hard stuff. it means dredging up things we would prefer to forget.

  But with every step forward you will feel more in control of your past rather than it controlling you.

  Pacing is crucial to progress. I foind that people would have a couple of heavy sessions and then come in and want to talk about other things. I always felt it was a mistake to push them at those times. I remembered how exhausting it was to do this work and how we need those breaks even when we still need to connect with the therapist. By allowing them this kind of pacing they learned to trust the process and not push their way through it.

  Sometimes things are so intense in one session that I would move people in and out of the intensity and when I felt they were ready move back into it. It really is like a dance, back and forth and it is wonderful to see people move back and forth in and out of the memory weaving the pattern of their past and present together.

  I think too those breaks (however long they are) are essential so we can build ourselves up for the next step. Just like a mountain climber takes a break before continuing the ascent so too we need to take those breaks and rest or do something totally unralted to the past. Slowly you will find there are more good days than not. Some people find writing in a journal using different colors for the moods we get into helps. Then with a quick glance you can see the change of colors and moods from darker to lighter.
• 

  Lady Lee

  BT

  You are so right when you talk about how so much was put on our shoulders that didn't belong. In our attempts to have a family, a place to live, we took on the role of protector. And of course with that goes the responsibility, the blame and because WE know it was bad and wrong, the shame.

  Time to give it back. Your strenght inspires me.
• 

  Lady Lee

  outnfree

  Just about everything here can apply to all kinds of therapy and situations. A lot of it can be directly allied to recovery from the WTS abuse that so many of us have experienced.

  So many of us have received labels from people who really never took the time to know us. We need to examine those labels and learn to define ourselves

  (((outnfree)))
• 

  Lady Lee

  talesin

  I have had people make comments to me such as, "well, I wouldn't feel comfortable laying down on a couch with a stranger" or "don't they use hypnosis - and you don't remember what you said - that's mind control!" or "what if they implant false memories in my head?" These types of misconceptions are quite common, especially, imho if one was raised in the JW community.

  As usual the WTS uses scare tactics to prevent people from going to outside sources. And of course to do that they have to use the worst case scenarios. But that is all it is - scare tactics.

  This has been an obstacle for many, I think, in initiating a client-therapist relationship. Fear of therapy as a completely unknown process can be a powerful deterrent to a person seeking help. Many people insist that they will only read books as they don't want to be subject to 'mind-control'.

  So many people haven't got a clue what therapy is like. Especially if the only knid of counseling they have had is from an elder who seeks only to discover some sin, a person can be scared to go to a stranger for help. But sometimes a stranger can have a much more objective outlook to the situation. A trained professional knows what to look for when you tell your story. They can alos identify the things that are missing in your story. They don't have an agenda except to help. They certainly aren't looking to condemn.

  Therapists don't want to control you or make you follow their plan. An ethical therapist works with you on your plan. Together you agree on some goals for the work you will do together. Together you assess the process and make changes if needed. And you work together as a team to accomplish those goals.

  I have found that in my role as the therapist I am part teacher, part friend, part parent, part guide, part shoulder to cry on. But my agenda is always the same - to help and offer guidance and comfort.

  Now not all therapists work the way I do. Many are less involved. Some will listen and say very little and allow you to come to your own conclusions based on what you tell them. Others are more directive and offer a variety of paths for you to choose from. Some are emotionally invested in the work and others aren't. The variety is endless and there is no one best kind of therapist or therapy. It really depends on what is the best fit for you.

  I really suggest that people keep looking for a good "fit" for the work they have to do. If it doesn't feel right look for someone else.

  Here is a good link to get information on choosing a therapist and the kind of therapy that might suit you as well as other questions to ask when looking for help.

  http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/therapist/chosther.html
• 

  Puternut

  Lady Lee,

  I have one curious question. I understand that you have had a traumatic experience as well from the borg. During the sessions you have with your clients, do you find you are healing yourself still, when you talk to others? Is it a two way street for you? Or are you healed, past the point where you no longer have to relive your experiences?

  Just wondering

  Puternut
• 

  bikerchic

  Wow this is an incredible thread, thanks Valis and Lady Lee for doing it. I think it will give a lot of courage to many myself included to do the work to heal and it gives hope that you can and you will get to that place of healing and getting beyond the past. I like this saying:

  Yesterday is history.

  
  Tomorrow a mystery.
  Today is a gift.
  That's why it's called the present!

  The goal for me when I entered the long trek of therapy was to live in the present and I find no greater joy than to be in the now. Hanging onto the past and burring it deep down can use up so much energy and be physically draining, it really is a gift you give to yourself to do the hard work and finally get to the place where it no longer has a hold on you. That isn't to say you won't remember because the things you experienced shaped you into who you are today and what I learned is I'm okay, I always was okay and I'll always be okay. It brought me peace, real true peace of mind to my heart and soul.

  Lady Lee in reading this thread it took me back to the days when I knew I had to get therapy, I felt I was flawed, broken and wanted to die. I was so scared that my therapist would see me as not being worthy of living. Do you see the conflict I had, I wanted to die, yet I wanted someone to validate that I deserved to live. That was one of those light bulb moments for me and my mantra became, "feel the fear and do it anyway." I jumped into therapy with both feet and on my first visit my therapist told me I already had the answers in my sub conscious and that my psych wouldn't let me go beyond what I could handle at the time. It would be like pealing an onion (tears and all) little by little I would uncover, examine, explore and learn about myself and our goal was for me was to learn the tools to handle my daily life.

  To Puternut:

  Just a suggestion for you, you might want to give Guided Imagery a try before you jump into therapy. It's awesome work and serve to jump start you into doing more progressive work. One visualization exercise I remember being very powerful for me was to fill up a box with all the crap someone did and hand it back to them........it was a long exercise but that cuts to the chase. It was such a relief, a huge burden lifted off me and put back where it belonged. It's one I still do by myself when I feel the need to. Very helpful stuff, I hope you give it a try.

  Lady Lee do you recommend Visualization and or Guided Imagery? Do you do them with your clients? I think I remember you mentioning something about this in the thread.

  Thanks this is really great reading!

  Kate

  PS I meant to say Guided Imagery not Visualization to Puternut