How do you help them understand?

Sassy

I have posted as each step of my exiting has brought new stresses into my life. You have all been awesome in your support. I know I still have a ways to go but many of the hardest steps have been undertaken... And I have an interview for a new job, so my working with a guy who is a JW, might be taken out of my environment so I can go somewhere that is not only CLOSER to home (short commute) but also no one will know I was ever a JW.

One of my biggest hurdles right now if dealing with my bf. Or I should say him dealing with me. I was actually thinking I was doing pretty well now in not having things get to me but once again he brought up all the drama that goes with this leaving the JWs. He doesn't understand what the big deal is, and why just moving wasn't enough for it to simply disapear from our lives and that I would no longer be affected by being a JW. Sometimes I wonder if he will just decide one day, this is too much drama and be done with it. He even used that phrase "drama" last night..

I'm so depressed. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I have tried hard not to bring home to him when JWs call me to harass me, or if my ex husband is bugging me for freedom from the elders to remarry.. or even my concerns about work overly much, even though my supervisor is a JW and I do fear when he realizes my stand in things, that he will turn me in to keep the congregation clean. I really thought I wasn't bringing it home any more, and yet he is upset by it.. He must be picking up on my stress level w/o words. I'm not sure..

(And SimpleSally.. please do not tell him about this thread)

But what do you say to someone who doesn't understand about the abuse what it is like? Who just wants you to forget it as if it is done and over with as if it never happened? as if you haven't just lost some of your closest friends and lost family. He does feel bad about my mom but I know he doesn't understand. I think he has only disrespect for her to treat me this way (i.e., shuning) My instinct is to not want him to think poorly of her, because I do love her and know her intentions are well meant, even if they are blindly lead.. I want to protect her, even though out of his need to protect me, he gets angry with how this religion causes people to treat those who simply just no longer want to be a JW.

I'm lost.. and depressed....

Odrade

ah, sweetie, so sorry you have all of this going on. I think if I had that much harrassment I would just get it over with and DA. Take the bull by the horns as it were. It seems like the biggest chunk of your stress is coming from trying to protect your fade, but with your continuing connection to the JW world, do you really think it can be done... and is it worth all of this pain?

Does your insurance have any mental health benefits? Can you talk to a counsellor-- maybe someone who specializes in these issues? Have you done a "worst-case scenario" regarding being df'd or da'd? As in, "this is how trying to fade is impacting my life right now, and this is the worst case impact if I just cut ties."

Also, Caller ID? although I know it can be upsetting just seeing the name on the service, even if you don't talk to those people. It seems to me like your ex-husband is causing a great deal of the stress. It's bad enough to have an ex calling calling calling, but add the JW issues in? I know you can't admit anything if you want to stay off the elders' radar, but what if you DID DA? Would that get rid of some of the stress of your ex calling?

Before the discussion yesterday I really thought that DA'ing would be like admitting defeat/playing by their rules, whatever, but Winston's comment about using their own stick to beat them with really struck () home. Can you use their own rules to make a stand and free yourself so you really can move on? Only you know what you can handle right now, but if there's some way to take those factors out of your life, there's no shame in that. I know you still have some family in, but think about the balance of exchanging whatever impact DA'ing has in the negative, with what it would gain for you.

Love you,

Odrade

Stefanie

I know exactly what you mean sassy.

Sassy

Thanks Stephanie and Odrade

I think if I had that much harrassment I would just get it over with and DA.

Sometimes I feel that way. I know I will never go back. I guess I am bitter about the lack of love shown when my 2nd husband turned out to be a fraud and after a green card. If I give in, he wins again, he moves on to some other unsuspecting female to empty her bank account and use to renew his grn card (he has a two yr temp now) a yr from now. I don't want to give him his freedom. He stripped so much from my life that I want to hold on to something..

but I know that some battles are not worth fighting too..

but the biggest thing is my mom and step father. Having someone who has never been a JW understand why they shun? when family is important. When you understand yourself but yet you don't??

I know if my job changes a ton of stress will be off my shoulders.. right now my work is the only way for anyone to reach me. All my other numbers have been changed, (home, cell, etc) I did have them change my work number, but anyone calling the old one gets transferred to my new number through the operator.. I'm just trying not to come home upset when the calls come in..

and no one can screen my calls, it is a direct line and since I can take calls from the president to my boss, avoiding calls and letting them go to voice mail isn't an option.

I just feel bad when I know that my hurt and stress hurts the relationship that my bf and I are building. I feel like a rift is growing between us and it angers me that this religion can still cause hurt in my relationships when I am not even one any more.

blondie

Sassy, what about caller ID at work. We have it because we collect money from people who don't want to pay. That way we can tell if it is one of the abusive "customers."

Blondie

Sassy

The company I work for is too big to request caller ID. Just getting a phone with the panel to see the ID of internal people takes SVP approval.

XQsThaiPoes

You are a JW still thats your problem. You need to DA your self. Why do people run or take it so personal? So they can hang with people that don't like them anymore? Okay I am a Jerk I know, but bear with me few people just up and DA themselves and change lives like the WTS changes docterines. They basicaly have a tantrum then DA or go AWOL (this fade idea is silly and childish IMO). You guys don't understand JW's very well if you don't get "cut off" basicaly you are staying as bad inactive one. You're a JW that doesn't go to the Hall. Big deal there are tones of them that actually love the org and barely go. Think of it if you don't believe the docterine why label your self a JW? If you believe it then you're just having a personal issue. That is like me saying i'm a trinitarian just because I read a book about it. You read books about JWs thats all. Unless you like being a rogue baptized JW, some people like the drama.

I mean moving? Why? How come you didn't send in a letter, join the do not call list, and sleep well. I can't tell if some people are childish, if I am not compassionate, or maybe I just all hate people. It is a religion why turn it into something more. Heck make up your own cult. At least you'll be happy with it since that is why most people leave they think happiness actually exist.

nojudgement

I can't believe all of the nosey JW's in your life!! Actually, I can. I think you'll feel a lot better once you find a new job. I had to move to a new town and then start fading. It's ridiculous. It feels like trying to leave the Mafia or something. How is this loving? I wish I had the right words to help you. Your BF can't understand, but if he loves you enough he will stick around and see you through this tough time. If he doesn't or doesn't feel he can, I don't think you want him. Whether he likes it or not, dealing with your JW issues is part of the package. Only he can decide if all the benefits of being with you outweights what he thinks is too much "drama." Don't try to take that on too. That decision is out of your hands. No one is perfect...neither is he. You seem like a GREAT individual. Hang in there.

nojudgement

XQsThaiPoes:

People fade, move, and stay inactive because they don't want to loose their FAMILY!!!!!!!!! It's not that they give a rat's @ss about anyone in the hall or trying to still identify themselves as a JW. Unless you were raised a JW, and have family that is all in it...it's hard to understand...so please don't judge.

franklin J

sas,

I am sorry you are hurting so much. It was a long time ago for me; but I can still remember the feelings of devastation, so total, that overwhelmed me. The scars are painless; but I can still see them and recognize them in others. It will pass. If it helps, go see a shrink ; professionals can be useful and should be pursued if you feel the need to talk It is hard for our close companions; or significant other to truly understand what is driving us. They have their own needs; and surviving the JW life is sometimes SO overwhelming that it overshadows all other needs. Give yourself time, and lots of room. The fog will lift.

we are here if and when you need us.

regards, and be well, frank

How do you help them understand?

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