How do you help them understand? (page 2)

codeblue

(((Sassy)))

I have come to some conclusions that IF they have not ever been a JW they will never know how traumatic experience this has been in our life. Thankfully Mr. CB and I are on the "same page" with this issue. I can tell you that before I joined Mr. CB in seeing the "light" about the truth(tm) we had some very ugly conversations which increased my stress level completely, (his too!)

But seeing that your BF is not and has never been a JW, and you wish to preserve the relationship, it is a good suggestion that he and you go to counseling together (finding a counselor that is very familiar with HIGH CONTROL groups). That counselor can shed some all important reasons to your BF why you just can't get over the affects of being in a HIGH CONTROL GROUP and why it is a form of ABUSE that you endured and that it will take time and UNDERSTANDING from him to help you thru it. Maybe that counselor can give assistance to you personnally on different ways to cope with it (strategic measures that are personalized for you)....this is and will be a time consuming process.

I hope your BF can and will be there for you. I hope the best for you Sassy.

Love,

Codeblue

Sassy

XQsThaiPoes, I moved because JWs in the apartment next door and it was uncomfortable everytime I walked past them..

and my biggest reason for my not DA'ing is because of my job (I don't want my work environment as uncomfortable as living next to the JWs) and lets face it, we spend more hours on our job, than we do for anything else, so I wanted to avoid a difficult situation..... AND a replacement job is not easy... most other jobs have been almost a half paycut an hour...

and the other situation is my recent ex husband.. that a$$hole really messed up my life.. MORE than anything I don't want life to be made easy for him. He used me emotionally and financially. I do not want to give him freedom.

I am already shunned from family and my old JW friends.. those closest to me do not live in my area and so although my congregation doesn't know. I was honest with family and freinds and thus they have chosen to shun me as if I had officially DA'd.. so it isn't about pretending to be a JW.. I'm not .. not really.

I only want my work environment livable.. a new job will fix that..

and I want that INS to catch up with the a$$ and deport him back to Africa.. (I reported him)

Then I won't care about anything..

Sassy

It's not that they give a rat's @ss about anyone in the hall or trying to still identify themselves as a JW.

Thanks nojudgement. I really do not care about what JWs think of me.. Right now I know there are people who read this site and know who I am and are gossiping.. well ok .. that pisses me off a little.. especially when they sick other JWs on me with phone calls.. thankfully if I get a new job all numbers will be gone for them to have which they were given in the past when our lives were different.

franklin J, therapy might not be a bad idea.. I'd just be afraid that if I didn't get one who understood this mindset, that my bf might just be reinforced that this shouldn't be so difficult and affect me so..

codeblue, I'm glad you and Mr Codeblue are on the same page... it is so weird.. all my life I felt different because I was a JW and didn't fit in.. now I thought life would get easy.. not being one any more.. but I guess it doesn't work that easily

AngelofEventide

Sassy,

I am relatively new to this board. I posted tw topics above yours - the girl whose ex is a JW and he just broke up with me, etc. I have learned a lot since being here. I am still learning and trying to understand what happened. I am not angry with my ex, because I know that he is a victim of the system and having been in it for so long (since the age of 8), he cannot but help be brainwashed. All I can do now and have been doing non-stop is praying for him. I am moving on with my life and no matter what happens in the future, I will always only want the best for him, and for him to be enlightened to see the truth.

I agree with the others about counselling. As to how to find a good counselor experienced in such matters, I do believe that the psyhologists must be registered with their equivilent of the American Medical Association. If you can find out what that is, call them up and ask for a referral for someone who specializes in cult therapy. That would be my best suggestion for you. I am trying to understand all the terminology here. I'm assuming DAing is like disappearing all together? Sassy, if I may ask, what woke you up? Has it been bothering you for a long time or did you just come to your senses one day? I ask because I'm trying to understand how one comes to that decision, since it is such a huge thing to decide about, and also because looking back, I'm trying to read the signs of my ex's change in personality, if like one poster said to me, "he may be having doubts about his faith, is going through a spiritual crisis of sorts because he may realize deep down that the JW way of life has been one giant lie," or something like that. This all blindsided me as far as him breaking it off with me and though most here have said just be glad he did you this favor, it is still someone I loved and was going to marry and have a family with. It does not go away over night and the love may never go away. All I am doing now, besides living my life, is praying for his deliverence.

I wish you the best of luck Sassy and it is obvious that you have a wonderful support system here. Have faith and know that you will make it through this and come out a better person.

AofE

Sassy

Thanks AofE, I am going to reply to you personally in a pm.. I'll try to sit down later tonight and answer some of your questions.

AngelofEventide

Sassy,

Thanks so much. That would be great. BTW, how do you send a pm?

AofE

Sassy

well this is my thread so I can go off topic if I want.. lol....

How do you send a PM? Here are some instructions AngelofEventide:

If you were to send me, (or anyone) a private message, one way to do so, is to click on their name (note my sample here with a mouse which has clicked on the screen name, and then you see the menu that pops up. You simple Click on SEND MESSAGE and then it will bring up your mailbox automatically and you can type in the box to send a message to me. When you are done typing it, there will be a SEND button to finish the job.

To get your messages:

First you will see at the top of your screen, your screen name, along with your inbox below it. Right now mine shows zero. If you click on it with your mouse, it will open up your inbox and any unread private messages (pms) will be in bold. Click with your mouse to open any unread message and once you have read it, you will have a reply button for which you may do just that, reply to the pm with one from you

Hope this helps...

Maverick

Hi Sassy! You sound rather frustrated over your BF not understanding the dynamics of having been in the borg. I am sure he is frustrated because he can't help you. As a man I can relate to feeling helpless at being unable to help a person I care about. I don't think he will give you the flick. But I will tell you not to even bring that fear up to him. Don't go there at all! It is offensive to a man to be told that his lover does not think he will be there for her. You may be just voicing your fear, he will not interpret it that way. You just want to be reassured of his love for you, but he will see it as a lack of faith in him.

There are times when a person just can't relate to someone else's problem, and there should be allowances for that. If that person's inability is shoved in their face they will feel that the other person is putting them down and this can drive them away. When I can't relate all I can do is listen and be there for a hug. Only ask of your BF what he can give and be grateful for that. There is no blame, it's not anyones fault, remember he does care for you. Maverick

Sassy

Thanks Maverick. This is really my issue, more than the other things. I know they will slide into place. It is my concern that this is upsetting him is my worry more than anything.

I know I'll get through the JW stuff... just not as fast as he might like me to.

I'm not sure if when Sandy and SimpleSally were over last Satureday night if he got a little OD on JW exiting.. it is the only reason i can think of for it to be so heavy on his mind. I've been trying not to talk about things to much to him because I can tell it upsets him.

little witch

((((Sassy))))

I am so concerned for you. Leaving the borg after so many years and hiding your emotions makes for much turmoil.

You have come so far so fast no wonder your head is spinning!

You see, you were so devoted and your whole life revolved around what they said it did. Family, friends, aquaintances even. (are those people sheeps or goats)?

Slow down...Breathe....

What are your priorities? No, not what others want from you, but what do YOU NEED?

You say you love this man. Wonderful! You have Sally (a great friend nearby), wonderful! You have an outlet here to vent and discuss and recieve support. Wonderful! Not to mention that cute behind (tee hee hee).

Look at how long you were "in". That was alot of indoctrination. Exit is just as complex.

You cannot rebuild your life immeadiatly after this years long buildup. Nobody can. You are normal, you are not strange beyond belief.

Keep in perspective that as big a part that the borg has played in our lives, that to a non-dub (sorry for the labels) it is not so easily understood.

They cannot imagine family held hostage and the pain of being an "outsider".

As someone who was never really "In" I can relate to the distance. You have a man who loves you evidently. Accept his comfort. But understand that his distance from the borg is probobly a big factor in your admiration of him.

Let him love you dear. And don't sweat the small stuff. Try to distance yourself first from the borg and not family, friends, etc.

One day at a time. Take it slow and take care of YOU. Do what has never happened in your life. Take care of YOU first.

I wish you comfort and peace Sassy.

lw

How do you help them understand?

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