I am marrying a df JW-

wtphobic

I will be marrying a df JW in just 2 months. It is now really bothering him that his parents won't come to the wedding. OMG- not only is he df, but it's being held in a CHURCH!!! He keeps saying that "after the wedding" he will be able to finally tell his parents that there is no way he is intrested in going back. I try to help him see that they don't care about his feelings, and he doesn't need to try to spare theirs by not being honest. Any ideas or suggestions on what it will finally take for him to "break it off" ?

You probably should know that his wonderful 8 yr old daughter is still involved in the WT- as his evil ex wife is "active" (amazing how she was caught in adultery, but since she denied it, there were no repercussions), and his dad is an elder.

It seems to me that the WT is more like a pyramid scheme than a religion. The more time you put in and people you "recruit", the more prestige you receive. This community has a lack of real opportunity, so I think that the stronghold that the jw have here is due to this attention and prestige that people receive.

My fiancee had truly never experienced unconditional love until he became a part of my life and my family- how sad....

I guess that I am venting, and thought you would be symapthetic ears.

If anyone can help me help him to get over the anger that he still feels (it has been 6 years), and put his energy into living our new life. I am open to all suggestions.

Joyzabel

welcome to the board, wtphobic.

and congrats on your wedding!

First of all, have him read this board! Lots of info on it.

Leaving a religion, especially a high control group, one has to go through the grieving process. There are many good threads here on dealing with that grief. Show him the "experiences" and see if he relates to any of them.

Also, buy "Crisis of Conscience" for him by Raymond Franz (www.commentarypress.com) It will help him deal with the WT and how it is a "publishing company"!

Hope you can get him to start healing.

Hugs,

Joy

Stefanie

Welcome and congrats. Coming here is the first step.

Valis

wt...congrats on your wedding plans!....AND welcome to the board! About the anger...if you can be supportive, let him vent, and also find things together that maybe reconstructs some of his life that passed him by then by all means do!....Like holidays, birthdays, especially his!, voting, jury duty, saluting the flag at a game, whatever...Those are the types of things he may or may not have ever done before. As far as his familial and interpersonal anger involving JWland, well sugar...all you can do is help him build his own family. It is IMO the most important thing one must do to staying sane and not allowing the stupid home wrecking JW philosophy torment one ad infinitum.

Once again welcome and let him know there's a "great crowd" cheering him on....He is also more than welcome to stop in and say hey!....Might be another outlet for him to get it off his chest and speak to many in simmilar situations.

Sincerely,

District Overbeer

Sassy

You need to understand that as unfair has JWs treatment of df'd ones is, most of them do this out of love, believe it or not. They aren't trying to be mean or cruel, but hoping if they shun them (us) then mabye he (we) will return. It isn't that they are evil and trying to hurt us.

If I get married, my mother and step father won't attend either. I feel bad about that and my bf doesn't understand either. It's really hard understanding when you have never been a JW.

Gopher

Welcome to the board, WTphobic. I hope your fiance joins us here.

You said:

It seems to me that the WT is more like a pyramid scheme than a religion. The more time you put in and people you "recruit", the more prestige you receive. This community has a lack of real opportunity, so I think that the stronghold that the jw have here is due to this attention and prestige that people receive.
My fiancee had truly never experienced unconditional love until he became a part of my life and my family- how sad....

Your take on the JW's and the lack of love is dead-on accurate! You really understand a lot about what he's been through, and not all spouses/significant others of ex-JW's catch on to the difficulties of having been in this high-control religion/marketing scheme.

I think your fiance is taking things on one thing at a time -- first getting married to you and acclimating himself to your family. And that's extremely important. After that gets settled, then he'll have the time and strength to address his family, who'll probably REALLY cut him off at that point. I think he's doing quite well.

As others said, reading this board and "Crisis of Conscience" would help set his mind at ease about the things he went through in his past. I also found a lot of good information on this site: www.freeminds.org.

Best wishes on your upcoming nuptials, and please let us know how things go !!

- Jeff

nojudgement

WT Phobic - I agree with the earlier postings. Get him to read this web site. It has helped me so much. I do a little bit everyday. I was raised a JW and I've been out 2.5 years and still do not have the courage to tell my family. I don't want to loose them and they will truly be tormented forever and believe that I am on a death road leading to "armageddon." This online community understands JWs like no one else can. You have to have lived it to understand it. If you were raised in it, and your whole family is in it - it's extremely difficult to break away from your family and come to the realization that you are not loved unconditionally. All the shunning is done in the name of love...and as Sassy said earlier...his parents have been indoctrinated to feel like they are doing the loving thing...and he understands it, even if it is hard to accept.

They also are tortured by not attending but get so many kudos from people at the Kingdom Hall "you are being so strong" "we admire your faith." etc. I think JWs feel the more they suffer they more they are proving how much they love God. Why would you want to serve a God that made you suffer so much? Also, if his dad is an Elder I am sure that it is grounds for his removal as an elder if he were to attend his df'd son's wedding in a church.

He is so lucky to have you and your loving family now. My bf has a great family too. It has given me the courage to realize, even if I lost my own, I would still have them if we were to marry one day. I've already agonized over the wedding. We would have to elope. I couldn't stand the thought of having a big wedding and not having my dad (an elder) give me away. It breaks my heart. Whoever I marry in the "world" - I will have to elope. I will rely on this forum to help me through it. I hope your husband will do the same. He will heal. He will be okay, it'll just take a lot of work and some reprogramming. He's going to have to let go of it. Truly let go. Come to the realization that it is not the "truth" and that he is good enough and God loves him despite of what an organization is trying to tell him or make him feel.

franklin J

welcome to the forum wtphobic,

congratulations on your nuptials! that is always good news!

He will survive and come out of the fog with some positive thinking and loving support and understanding; most of all from you. It can be done. Nothing will sway the thinking of his family. They may choose to accept him as he is or they may disown him . Tough call. The JWs are a hard bunch.

Your description of a "pyramid scheme" is a good one. Very accurate.

good luck! Frank

wtphobic

Thanks for the support!! I have no delusions about changing his family. In fact, I had a conversation with his mother this weekend where she was concerned that I might be uncomfortable if she came to my bridal shower ( to be held at the church), and didn't come to the wedding (since her df son would be there). I very nicely told her that that was a decision that she was making, and that she was more concerned about being uncomfortable herself. She seemed to want me to say that it's OK, and that I understand if she won't come. It really frustrates them when you put the situation on them and tell them that they are responsible for how they are reacting to the situation.

My biggest frustration is that his parents DEMAND that you respect their views, bu t have no tolerance for anyone else's beliefs.

I will try to get him to read these messages. He has read crisis of conscience, as well as other "apostate" literature. However, I can understand that he gets frustrated when he is bombarded with information that goes against what he was raised to believe was right. He often says, that "I think that SOME of their teachings make sense". I have tried to show him that those things that he can get behind are probably common to other mainstream beliefs. I think he knows in his heart that the teachings are bogus, but we all know it can be hard to get your heart and head on the same page.

Thanks again for letting me vent. Hope to talk to you all again soon!!

DevonMcBride

Hi WTphobic and welcome. Congratulations on the wedding.

Devon

I am marrying a df JW-

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