I am marrying a df JW- (page 2)

simplesally

Welcome and maybe your bf will come visit and help himself get over some of the anger he has...........and you can make new friends, both of you!

codeblue

Welcome!!!

Congrats on the upcoming wedding!!

You have been given a lot of good advice how to help your finacee, especially since you have never been a JW. Sounds like you are very supportive of him, that is wonderful! I am glad you have shown him "unconditional love"...that is very important to us who have been in a religion that wasn't full of the love we expected.

Take good care of each other!!! Hope you have a wonderful wedding!!!

Codeblue

galaxy7

Congrats on your up and coming wedding

You will certainly have your eyes opened marrying into a witness family

Good Luck dealing with the family

blacksheep

Best wishes on your upcoming wedding. You are obviously a very sensible and intuitive person to see the potential issues that marrying into such a family will mean.

You must know your fiance beat the odds. It is very tough to leave such a cult, esp when he has close family in it still. I believe with what he has been thru, he must have a great deal of character.

I know it is easy for me to say, but please don't sweat your inlaws not coming to the wedding. Think about it. Obviously they have issues (as most JWs do). They are so intolerant that they will not attend their own son's wedding. You are better off without them there. (I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I have so many JW relatives, to whose weddings, graduations, get-togethers, etc., I have NOT been invited to...you start to develop a thick skin). Just know you're not going to change them and hope/pray that someday they'll come around.

With regard to your husband-to-be's daughter, frankly, the only thing I would be concerned about is holidays, birthdays, etc. You might want to talk about how you are going to handle those (if at all). I've seen a few JW's/non-believers get pretty wicked over those issues. You might want to talk to your fiance openly/honestly about his feelings here. (Maybe it's a sore spot for me, but frankly, I realized that I would NEVER raise my children as a JW; that was part of the reason I left...now I have two beautiful, Christmas/birthday, whatever celebrating children. My parents avoid us during those times...)

blacksheep

I would also suggest you recommend his reading "Combatting Mind Control" by Sam? Hassan. Frankly, I wasn't too enthused about "Crisis of Conscience." But Hassan's book was incredible. Anyone who reads it, who has an ounce of objectivity (if they're already disillusioned with the JWs, that's likely the case), will see the JW's for what they are...a true cult. Trust me...it takes a while to get past the anger and really start to live. He's lucky to have you and your family to help him!

blacksheep

"In fact, I had a conversation with his mother this weekend where she was concerned that I might be uncomfortable if she came to my bridal shower ( to be held at the church), and didn't come to the wedding (since her df son would be there). I very nicely told her that that was a decision that she was making, and that she was more concerned about being uncomfortable herself."

You sound so mature and perceptive. What you say hits so close to home. A couple of years ago, I found out after the fact, that I was not invited to my neice's high school graduation. It really hurt...I was in the same town (and my parents who were OUT of town) were invited. When I later confronted my sister (when she wanted to attend the birth of my child), I frankly told her that I was hurt by being not invited. What did she say? That she felt that I would be uncomfortable by seeing a few other JW's at the ceremony. What??? I would not be uncomfortable, I said. I bore no ill will against these people, nor had I done anything to make them uncomfortable around me (except, I guess, leaving the JWs...). I probably didn't say it as gently as you did, but as you can see, it seems the same MO is in effect. I love my neice and care about her, regardless of her beliefs. Apparently, my JW family does not feel the same way about me.

Steve Lowry

You need to understand that as unfair has JWs treatment of df'd ones is, most of them do this out of love, believe it or not. They aren't trying to be mean or cruel, but hoping if they shun them (us) then mabye he (we) will return . . ."

Sassy, I know this prolly isn?t the thread to get into this, but I don?t buy into your point of view in this area. Not completely anyway. The JW is driven by pride and self-righteous piety. They ?need? to feel superior to others (which helps to reinforce they?re right), and it becomes a kind of psychological intoxicating drug for them. It?s more important to the JW to maintain his or her sense of ?elitism? than it is to give that up and take a chance on not being one of the "chosen". They?ll never admit to it, but there?s a kind of satisfaction that comes from shunning those who have left. After all, those who have left (especially those who made the choice and not something that was thrusted upon them) threaten the JW?s sense of "righteousness", and what better way to keep that sense righteousness intact than by shunning. Nah, this isn?t a loving act, not really.

I know the JW can be really ?torn up? about having to shun a former family member (I?ve seen this battle go on in my mother for years), but this pain they endure proves to them they?re "pleasing" God, which is a kind of psychological reward. The pain proves worthiness. The more pain, the more worthy. It?s kind of Pavlovian. It may be painful for them on one level, but still satisfying on another. Don?t give them to much credit in this area. For the JW, the need to feel superior overrides the need to love.

Steve

Holey_Cheeses*King_of_the juice.

I haven't read the entire thread, but first up, the person you are marrying was a JW who had been disfellowshipped.

Lastly - it surely must be better than marrying an active JW. Count your blessings.

cheeses - who hopes the marriage is successful and hubby doesn't decide to repent of his wicked ways and return to the flock.

ozziepost

Welcome aboard wtphobic and greetings from downunder!

As well as COC, I'd suggest you get him a copy of "The Four Presidents of the Watch Tower Society". It 'ties together' many of the points from COC and other w places but puts it in more of a 'ready reckoner' type of format, if you get what I mean. It's style makes it very easy to use "off the shelf".

You can get it from http://www.freeminds.org/

I wish you well in your future life.

Cheers, Ozzie

Black Sheep

If anyone can help me help him to get over the anger that he still feels (it has been 6 years), and put his energy into living our new life. I am open to all suggestions.

Your love, and your family's love, for him will greatly help his healing process.

Congratulations to both of you.

May you have many happy years together.

Love,

Chris

I am marrying a df JW-

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