I am marrying a df JW-

by wtphobic 22 Replies latest jw friends

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  Odrade

  Wow Steve, that description was bang on in my opinion. I've always struggled with the idea that they shun out of love. I suspect that piety and self-righteousness is the more accurate reason. The only thing I would add is that they attach the label of "love" to their conduct because then they have justification for behaving like fanatical pompous asses.

  wtphobic (great screenname btw!) congrats on your upcoming wedding. It must be hard on your fiance knowing he never wants to go back, yet still believing that they are somewhat right. Makes me wonder if deep down he feels a little of their behavior toward him is justified. I think you are doing the right thing by continuing to treat your future in-laws with kindness and civility, but also not allowing their behavior to be swept under the rug. The more exposure to normal thought processes your guy has through you and your family, the better off you will both be.

  I agree with other posters who suggest to get him reading about this stuff, here, on other sites, but to that I would add one more. Is there any way you guys could make it to a meet-up or something in your area? Just socializing in person with folks who have "been there" is really freeing. The control becomes so much more clear, plus, who else can an exiting JW sit around and really talk about the loony JW doctrine with? It might make a world of difference.

  O
• 

  CeriseRose

  Welcome to the board and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

  Being fairly new here myself, I can't direct you to any threads. I will say that after reading the posts here you are getting good advice.

  The only thing I would add is that your fiance, as has been mentioned previously, is going through a grieving process. Going through my own right now with regard to JWs, as well as having gone through some loss grief in the past few years, I will tell you one valuable thing I learned. It is really really really important to honour his timing and to give him the space to do what he needs to do in the time he needs to do it. You say it's been 6 years, but he's still dealing with some relationship issues...this is quite normal, especially if he was raised as a witness, and has family still 'in'.

  I know that your wedding date makes perfect sense to you to be a pivotal "new start"; and in a perfect world it would be. I've learned (the hard way) that grief isn't so neat and tidy. If he's indicating that he will deal with it after the wedding, then it's important to let him do so; otherwise if you push (which it doesn't sound like you're the type to anyway), he may end up blaming you down the line.

  I have had many well-meaning people try to push me through the grieving stages...it's natural for people who love someone to want them to get through it and feel better again. Unfortunately, grief is a fairly solo activity. It sounds like he's ready to act and let his family know that he has no intention of ever coming back, and thus gain some closure. Just hang on to that and let him know that you're loving and supporting him throughout.

  And if I sound wise (hah), it's because I have a wonderful boyfriend who is basically doing that with me. Not pushing me, not directing me, just letting me deal in my own time and reassuring me that he's here. And having such a safe place to heal in is vastly different from doing it in a vacuum.

  Welcome again! :)
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  wtphobic

  I agree- I don't plan to push....However I refuse to let him dwell solely on the past, and forget about his responsibilites/opportunities in the present. I have always said that it would be very hard to suddenly be pushed from everything you believe to be normal, and be dealing with the idea that your friends, family, eeryone that you were surrounded with had led you down a path to nowhere. I also can't imagine the frustration in trying to convince your friends and family that what they believe is bogus. In addition, I can't imagine anyone not being given the right to alter their beliefs from what they have been taught, and not have the 'right" in their eyes to simply be different.

  Speaking of opportunities...I am amzed at how JW kids (or at least those I know) are discouraged from dreaming/planning for their future. My future step daughter is passionate about becoming a veterinarian. Since I work in education, I have told her that we will do anything we can to make her dream come true, and tell her she can be anything she wants to be. I was dumbfounded when her grandmother confronted my fiancee, and wanted to know "what this business about college" was. She assured him that his daughter would forget about college soon enough.....Amazing...Who are we to determine which of our gifts/talents/abilites God wants us to use? Go figure....

  I mentioned this web site to him- I'm not sure that right now is the right time. We are both under alot of stress with wedding plans, financial issues, and just plain life. When you add to that the JW issues, it can be exhausting.

  You should all be commending for seeking out and creating a forum where you have support, as well as an outlet for your ideas and beliefs.

  Again, thank you for the reminder that others have gotten through this, and there is happiness waiting on the other side.