Confrontation has its place

Maverick

I know most of you wouldn't read this, after-all it might improve your life and you don't want that do you?

No sane person enjoys confrontation. We like to be liked and thought well of. Even if, in the end, we suffer for it. But being willing and able to confront someone when the need arises can be a valuable tool in your ongoing quest for inner peace and happiness. You first must learn trust your gut feeling when in a given situation and that feeling tells you that you are going to suffer because of the pressure of someone elses issues. Once you have trained yourself to confront the person you will be glad you did. Head the problem off at the pass, so to speak.

The first few times you put yourself in a confrontational stance it is uncomfortable. But you will find that the results are well worth it. Better to suffer the initial discomfort than to suffer allowing yourself to be used to serve someone elses needs. You may even allow anger or rudeness to creep in. But as you get more practice with confrontation you will be able to use it in a calm, professional manner.

Learn to tell that relative, you know is going to impose on you, that you will not allow the imposition before they wrap you up in agreeing to their demands. Once you break the cycle they will back off.

Learn to pull your employee a side when they first disrespect you and nip it in the bud!

As with anything else, after a few times you will recognize what is happening faster and be able to be more effective at using confrontation as a tool to prevent others from walking all over you. And as ex JW's we need this. We were taught NOT to confront those we felt inferior to, and that was everyone! Maverick

Sunnygal41

Good thread, Mav, even tho, it brings up a pretty tender subject for me, considering that I just lost my job for supposedly "disrespecting" my boss. One thing tho, I must add........respect has to be earned. That said, I have always always had a problem with confrontation. So, this is an area that is a continuing source of growth for me. It does need practice, and with time, it can be done.........it is excruciatingly painful..........scary..............but, it makes for a better, more assertive individual................I think that may be where some of us have the problem........learning how to be assertive rather than aggressive...................it's easy to lose your temper and just blurt things out.................tact is much more difficult to acquire......to be able to tell someone to go to hell and have them be happy to be on their way takes a certain amount of skill..............

Terri

"Emitte lucem tuam"

"Send forth your light"

Maverick

Thank you Terri, I don't know how much "light" I can offer. As with the tread on rejection the whimpy guys run for cover.

There is a time and place for dealing with someone. As an example, today I had this young man, age 30, question me as to where I go when I am done working for him. I bid by the job not the hour, so it is none of his business. As long as the job is done right and on time he has no right to question me. But I have not received my money yet. I will get it tomorrow. He wants me to bid on more work for him. I will be cool until I get paid, then I will tell him I have no wish to bid on his work. If he pushes it I'll tell him why. He was out of line, even his wife acted shocked when he asked me what I do with the rest of my day after I leave. I told him four days and I will have it done in four days. But timing is everything. And the degree of confrontation is determined by the resistance offered for standing your ground.

I try to be tolerant with butt heads. Had this person not asked me to do more work I would just let it slide and not confront him.

Telephone solicitors get the same. I try to be nice, tell them I know they are trying to make a living and I respect that, BUT I am not interested. If they push it, I will get firm and tell them NO! If they keep going anyway, THEN I will be harsh! I rarely have to go past stage two. Maverick

Nosferatu

Very interesting thread! I'll tell you something Mav, my upbringing really screwed up this area in my life. I went through life being silent. I could never approach my parents with any problems I had for fear of getting a beating, or denial. I learned how to go through life quiet, and giving into people's wants just to keep them quiet. I've been walked on so many times, and I've had enough of it.

The sad thing about a JW upbringing is they even teach this in their publications. "Listening to The Great Teacher" is a horrible book for teaching children (the new version of it is worse). It is so stressed that you should simply "walk away and that'll probably be the end of it", "turn the other cheek", "serve other people", and "be like a slave". Overcoming all of this has been incredibly difficult for me, but I'm slowly making progress. I've begun standing up for myself in certain situations. I still have problems confronting people, but it's slowly getting better.

One problem I see is that people who've known me for long periods of time don't expect me to change. Suddenly, I'm standing up for myself. The reactions I get are even more demands to bow down to them, or I'm just in a bad mood. I've noticed this BIG TIME in my workplace. I've been here for 6 years, and I've only begun standing up for myself in the past 2-3 years. People don't like it when their aquaintances change, even if it's for the better.

Sabine

But being willing and able to confront someone when the need arises can be a valuable tool in your ongoing quest for inner peace and happiness

I totally agree, I've confronted three people in particular on behavior I just couldn't let go by in the last year. One key point I try to convey is that I cannot and do not claim to read their hearts and minds, or know their motives behind the behavior. All I can do is express how their behavior made me feel. I told them that I valued them as a person, and their behavior was so inconsistant with the great person I know them to be, I felt I had to point it out. I think the more nonjudgemental you can be the better, lots of our behavior is coming from subconsious stuff we are not aware of. Few are evil premediators, and these I stay far away from.

itsallgoodnow

So true. Very good advice.

SheilaM

Maverick: Thunder has has some clients be rude, such as the one your dealing with. He finishes the work gets paid and like you will tell them that he no longer wishes to work for them. This has only happend a few times, usually with some suit that can't turn on a light much less install one LOL

I don't look at these as confrontation though I look at is as making your boundaries known

Maverick

Nos many JW's suffer in silence. I remember taking a management course on dealing with employees, and the instructor showed us examples of being manipulated by strong willed, pushy people. For years I did whatever the Elders asked of me no matter how inconvenient it was for me or my family. After this training I had an Elder ask me to do some really Bull s**t job at the Hall. I told him it I was unavailable, he asked why? I did not answer, (you don't have to explain yourself). He was shocked, but backed off and dumped the job on someone else. I felt great! And it got easier to blow them off. I did what I wanted because I wanted, not because they pressured me. The Elders try to guilt you into doing things, I want to do it out of love (not guilt)

The key to maintaning power in a confrontational situation is not to get sucked into explaining yourself. YOU FEEL HOW YOU FEEL! You own no one an explaination for your feelings! Just because they demand it of you does not mean you have to comply. Walk away! You owe them NOTHING! Maverick

Nosferatu

The key to maintaning power in a confrontational situation is not to get sucked into explaining yourself.

Interesting how this works both ways. In one (where you say nothing at all) you remain powerless. In the other (where you don't explain yourself), you maintain the power.

However, I think there more to it than not explaining yourself. If you can back up your action(s) with examples or an intelligent (and sensable) explanation, it's just as powerful.

Sunnygal41

Nos, my ex was like that............he didn't want to make waves...........he was afraid of being hurt or losing a loved one...........I remember when we were first married when I'd try to talk to him about something...........he'd clam up and not say a thing! It drove me nuts, as I really am not an ogress. I felt if we were two adults we should have been able to sit down and talk to each other...........well, after 20 years of that and other things I just decided it wasn't worth it anymore........I remember one time we were talking with him and he stated his view, I stated mine and I did not agree......he kept trying to make me agree with him........I finally told him that we could disagree and still be in love! He was very very uncomfortable with that.........

Mav, I'm the same way with telephone solicitors...............the first time I say no, I'm really really nice, the next time I tell them that if they continue to try to make me buy whatever it is they are selling, it will only make me angry......and usually that's as far as I need to go........however, there are a few brave idiots out there who just don't want to "get" it..........so, I tell them NO THANK YOU and hang up on them. BTW, isn't it nice that we don't get telephone solicitation anymore?

Confrontation has its place

Share this