Confrontation has its place

by Maverick 25 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  Jim_TX

  Perhaps a tad off topic... but one of the other messages triggered this...

  I write custom software for folks. I do not charge much, and would prefer to have the clients respect this by purchasing one program per user (as opposed to one program per company).

  I deal with most of my clients over the phone - and one client insisted that since THEY were contracting for the custom software, that they could use it as many times as they wanted! I discussed (and perhaps cussed) this with him a bit, and finally saw I was not getting anywhere - and so relented - and said 'Whatever."

  I finished the software, and he went away happy.

  Later, he came back, and said that it wasn't working like he wanted. I had kept all of the e-mail correspondemce, and after reviewing it, informed him that it _was_ like he originally specified.

  He came back admitting that they now needed it to do something else. I modified my program to his needs.

  He - once again happy - went away.

  A few years went by, and he called one day, wanting more changes. I decided that it was time to quit doing business with this person, and so just didn't return his calls. (I didn't like the 'tone' of his voice... demanding.)

  Well, a week or so went by, and he called again. Once again, I didn't return his call.

  This went on for a couple more times... and I know that since they were using this program at multiple computer workstations, that they must have been getting desperate.

  Finally, I get a phone call from his supervisor. (You know when the supervisor has to get involved, it looks bad for the other fella.)

  I returned that call - and talked to him, explaining how that the original deal had gone - with them purchasing one copy and using it on multiple sites. I also said that I just didn't want to do business like that anymore.

  I knew that I was talking to someone who had... 'authority'... and he told me to send them a quote for upgrading the one program, and purchasing three additional copies. I did, and they bought them.

  I guess ... if there is a moral to this... it might be that there comes a time when one has to quit letting others walk on us. Once we do that, we can feel better about ourselves, and be more in control of situations.

  Regards,

  Jim TX
• 

  Country Girl

  Then there's the case of us that go entirely the *other* way and confront people even on non-issues.

  When I was younger, I was not allowed to "own" my feelings of anger, resentment, and my massive feelings of injustice within my family structure and the Org. were suppressed and not addressed. I have a very extreme sense of fairness, which causes some very conflicting views in me on the same subjects, at different times, and depending on who's perception I choose to look at it from. In other words, I find it very easy to stand on either side of the fence at the same time, which causes other people to look at me as rather flaky, but which I find mentally stimulating. Maybe that is a result of not being allowed to form and voice my own personal opinions when I was a child, but thinking one way inside, and being taught to think another way from the outside, who knows.

  Anyway, when I finally realized I had the freedom to think exactly as I pleased, and had the freedom to VOICE that opinion, then I went haywire with people's feelings because I did not properly know how to defuse conflict diplomatically and search for win/win solutions. Sometimes there isn't win/win solutions, but conflict is a very testy area for me because I became overly aggressive and opinionated. I have slowly, over the years, learned to tone it down and LISTEN, but still find myself sometimes descending into that Screw-You-And-The-Horse-You-Rode-In-On attitude. I've taken the advice of a lot of people on here in using small hints w/my JW relatives, instead of bulldogging em. It saves a lot of headaches later... cough.

  I was pretty proud of myself yesterday, though. We were shopping for trucks, and my husband kept whispering "Don't let that salesman hijack you" when the salesman came to take my keys to my vehicle so he could appraise my vehicle. I think husband was afraid that he would take my keys and wouldn't give them back to keep us in the office for the hard sell. I just told the salesman that we didn't have a whole lot of time, that we would be shopping around, that we would not be making any final decisions that day, and would just like to look and test drive. Very simple, really. The guy was really nice. I liked him and he didn't give me the hard sell. And I felt good, instead of feeling preyed upon by someone that was high pressure (as I have in the past) and getting mad at myself for having not spoken up and getting jacked. It's getting to be a good habit, but one that is hard won.

  CG
• 

  czarofmischief

  I have thought long and hard about this issue. I'm glad this topic came up.

  Raised a dubbie, I was continually instructed by the WT that bullies in school were best dealt with by running away. After all, a live dog was better than a dead lion, right? They advised against carrying weapons, which in my school was good advice, since it would have unnecessarily escalated the conflict (nobody had weapons where I was growing up). But they also talked about "turning the other cheek" and enduring the evil, etc.

  I remember the youth book about dealing with bullies actually had no useful advice at all.

  The blunt fact is that humans are pack animals, and those who do not defend themselves will wind up being picked on by everyone. So, having been traumatized for years because of my inability to defend myself, I now do not allow bullies to have their way with me.

  The other day, at our rehearsal space, this dude who works in the art gallery downstairs came chargning up. I was around the corner, but I could hear him. He was cussing out all the girls (dancers) and telling them he had a "effing heat bill" because we left the doors open at the bottom of the stairs. He left when the only other guy in the show appeared around the corner and tried to placate him.

  That wasn't good enough for me. I sat there for a while, thinking, trying to act rationally if not calmly. Then i decided that any man who charges in and starts cussing out a bunch of skinny young girls needs to get confronted. So I pulled my 6'2" 230 pound bloodshot crazy blue eyed long haired goateed black t-shirt tattooed son-of-the-Vikings frame together and marched right down there. I used words I've never used before. I told him what my name was and said that if he had a problem he could talk to me but that he was to leave those girls alone.

  He called the cops, the little twit, and some cop came in, saw that the twit was a twerp, and just rolled his eyes, made sure that I wasn't truly a danger to anyone (I was actually completely calm and collected about the matter just angry on the surface) said it was a private matter and left.

  So the end result, after some meetings and whatnot, was that my confrontation led to us getting permanent rights to the rehearsal space, a gig at their arthouse fundraiser, and this little bugger respecting me.

  I don't like confrontation, but I've learned to use it to benefit myself and those I care about.

  CZAR
• 

  minimus

  I think if you LIKE confrontation, there's a problem. But I'm a firm believer that when a bully tries to beat you up, kick him in the b**** before he knows what hit him and watch him cry to everyone else how you beat him up.
• 

  Maverick

  Good points all! In business I feel totally justified to stand my ground, after all it is my family that will suffer if I let someone cheat me or push me around. I had a guy get a lawyer to send me some BS letter because he was, "somewhat dissatisfied" with the job I did. I did a great job by-the-way. The home owner and I just did not like each other. I wrote the lawyer back and asked him what he meant by "Somewhat dissatisfied"? How was that different from dissatified? Did that mean the guy was somewhat satified? It was a chicken sh*t letter sent to intimidate me. I told the lawyer to get his facts straight and ask his client for more money so he could spend more time and write a more forceful and intimidating letter. The matter was dropped.

  I had a client write two checks that where not written out correctly and I could not submit to the bank. I had the client write out the checks again. He was stalling. I called him on it. He denied it but backed down and got me my money. If he calls again I'll be "busy"!

  I knew a JW who worked for another JW. The boss owed the worker $3500! He did not want to cause trouble from his "brother". I told him I'd break the guys legs! He was shocked! I laughed! I won't let anyone take food out of my childs mouth! I saw him the next day on the job and he had half the money! I gave him crap for being half a provider! He got the rest of his money the following day.

  You have a right to look after yourself and those under your care FIRST! Never feel guilty for that. Maverick
• 

  Sentinel

  As long as certain boundaries are set and maintained by both parties, I believe that confrontation is a healthy way to resolve conflict. However, both parties have to be reasonable and acknowledge the "event"; otherwise, one thing may be resolved, only to snowball into something else. In committed relationships of marriage, family, friends, work, etc., I believe it is important to nip things in the bud and not allow them to fester beneath the surface. Sometimes its a personal issue that only the individual can work through; but other times, it does involve behavior, attitude, etc., and has affected someone else.

  /<