Can I get some neutral insight without being preached to?

by Nancy 35 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  confusedjw

  Well it's clear that either she or you is crazy. I'll assume it's her.

  Of course the behavior you describe is way out and I'll bet the sisters in the cong. already know it. Crazy behavior can't be hidden. I've had experience with crazy MIL's, my own and friends in the congregation. These are well known nut cases and not approved of by the congregations at all.

  If you want support from the congregation, have your son meet with the elders and tell them the nutty / hurtful things she is doing so that they can offer her counsel. If he says to them what a bad witness it is to you they will want to get her in line. How is he ever going to be able to talk to you about the truth if she is doing this stuff? They'll talk to her then.

  If that is too distasteful then poisoning is always a posibility.

  ConfusedJW
• 

  Scully

  A good way to deliver a verbal SMACK of reality across the face is to say to her, while she is in the midst of her abusive behaviour, "So much for Jehovah's Witnesses being the most loving religion in the world" or "If this is the kind of love you think will draw me into your faith, you better think again!" or "Thank you for showing me that Jehovah's Witnesses are no better than any other church, in fact, you've showed me that they are two-faced hypocrites!" or "How can you call yourself one of Jehovah's Witnesses when you behave in such an unloving, unchristian way? You are an embarrassment to your religion."

  JWs pride themselves on being the Most Loving religion on the planet. When you stand up to their toxic behaviour and call it what it is, they are painfully embarrassed. Especially when you do it in front of other people. She is clearly a bully (and I agree possibly has a mental disorder) and you need to stand up for yourself, because your husband is probably too scared to do it himself.

  Love, Scully
• 

  zen nudist

  scare the $#!+ out of both your mother in law and your husband--

  ask your mother in law for a bible study (^_^)
• 

  neverthere

  What worked for me and my JW ex-inlaws is to display all my books, that is my books on the paranormal. Then they would try to study with me, then I would basically tell them HA, don't think so!

  That and knowing that Arsenic smells like raw almonds, you would be surpised how bringing that up at dinner, especially during dessert will stop people in their tracks!

  But then again, I have a very very VERY morbid sense of humour!

  Diana
• 

  Maverick

  This woman sound like she is mentally ill. She needs help and is a danger to you and your child. Have her committed for her own good! Maverick
• 

  A Paduan

  It's not you - it's they way they are - taught to hate - it's a weird thing - bit psycho.
• 

  gespro

  Hi Nancy!

  There is some great and not so great advice (imho) to be gleaned here.

  There is one comment that sticks in my mind:

  Hmmm...another perspective...I'm sorry to say but the husband sounds like a momma's boy. At this stage in his life that will most probably never change. He is the one I would confront if I were you. If he is letting his mother abuse you and treat you badly then I would eighter make him fix the situation or move your family away from her. I bet his answers to your confronterher/him will tell you quite a few things about both of them.

  I think a more sensitive way of looking at this is would be:

  A good son will try to take care of his mother. [Our first relationship with the opposite sex is with our mother. If that is not a healthy relationship, chances are we are going to have problems...]

  He might not even realize that your M-I-L is abusing you because he grew up in that abuse and it might be normal to him until he sees this as being unhealthy. Compiled with the JW stuff, this can be devasting and harder to see because we are trying to apply Bible principles and narcissists like your M-I-L take advantage of their children and misuse the Biblr for their own selfish purposes. How do I know? My mother is a sick woman using this same approach with all of her sons. We are grown men but can, if we're not careful, age regress the second we hear our mother's voice. It's taken me years to overcome her manipulation.

  To say your husband is a 'momma's boy' would be reckless, insensitive, and conducive to the exact thinking the WTBTS is known for: black and white thinking. [Dogpatch (JWD forum member) has pointed out that these thought cancelling phrases like 'He's a jerk' leaves no where else to go. It's a blunt statement. "Put him on a shelf...end of comment and thought. WTBTS mind stuff that I know I'm still trying to get rid of...]

  The scars from the WT run deep and I do wish you sucess in your situation. I don't want to damage anyone seeking help. There is a lot of helpful folks here!

  g
• 

  Rabbit

  Hi,

  So sorry for your difficulties with you mother-in-law. I do agree...with the others who recognized mental illness as her problem. Elders don't normally help too much, but, in this case, they are already 'embarrassed' by her 'zeal'. They will gladly 'tell' you if they feel she has some problems, so they can convince you she's an aberration. Then, they will go to work preaching to you.

  Go to your library and try to find some books written by psychologists about 'Relationships' between mothers and their daughters & sons. I did this years ago, when I married a witness girl, who had an odd relationship with her over-bearing, manipulative JW mother. It helped me to at least understand the dynamics of this powerful situation. Some of the things I found out (that seem similar in your case) were: Some mothers will 'never' release their children from their control and some kids don't want to 'leave' that security either. This is the worst case scenario...there are many variations.

  My mother in law was that "worst case" she always was 'in our business'. Our marriage ended, largely because of this problem. The 'MIL' would call me names, too. My then wife would tell her mother private & personal things which the 'MIL' would bring up to argue & criticise me about. When I'd try to let her know diplomatically, 'it was none of her business', she would say things like, "Well, she's my daughter!" Then, me..."She's my wife and it's our decision."

  The posters below sound like they've been thru this, too! Good Luck!

  Nosferatu said:

  It sounds like your husband is still very much under her control tactics. Remember, he grew up with her, and she has been controlling him all her life. Now that he's starting to pull away, she starts tightening the grip. When she doesn't get her own way, she uses threats, or cruel behavior to get what she wants. I'll bet she'd be happy as hell if the two of you split up, then she could have her little boy back.

  SixofNine:

  The problem is compound in that the JW doctrines, mentality, and general way of life EXACERBATE problems, especially mental problems. For that matter, most any literalist fundamentalist religion will exacerbate mental problems, just look at the case of the mother in TX who bashed her son's heads in with rocks. You may not get any support on this, but I think you'll do better if you define the problem correctly.
• 

  cruzanheart

  Hi, Nancy, and welcome! Preaching is the LAST thing you'll get here! You've received a lot of good advice so far, and the only thing I can add is to get her checked out for Alzheimer's. Erratic behavior like you have described could be the start or middle stages of Alzheimer's -- I know, my mother is in the last stages and I watched my two uncles die of it. It can hit at any age, so don't think she's too young for it.

  Please let us know what happens!

  Love,

  Nina
• 

  gespro

  Oops! I wanted to add that since this is a 'visible' organization, your MI,L like my mother, just has to act like a Christian when the elders are around. My mother does a GREAT job with acting. She is able to run her crap when the important , influential people are not around. I've seen many years of this type of abuse...

  g