Hey Scoob, I'm guessing here but seems like you are looking for an answer to "should I stay or go?" Your emotions are sweet but that won't lead to happiness, you need a bit of the old "rationality" for the rest of your life. You know, "cautious as serpents yet innocent as doves."
As for the Memorial; if you were raised a JW then of course it's natural for you to get all nostalgic and lovey, that's what religion does. I was raised Catholic and I still like the feeling I get in churches. A statue of Mary is enough to get me thinking about my wedding (31 yrs ago) and the fun of Catholic school. So these are things that are part of our lives.
The reality is that the "church feeling" is just that--- a feeling, emotions, sacred secrets et al. That blonde haired blue eyed Mary is just someones representation of Jesus mother. But, gee I kind of like her. But those feelings while nice, are not the whole story. And heck you know that already don't you? So when I tell you that Jesus died ON Passover and so never had that meal on that day, maybe you won't be surprized? But the feelings you have about Jesus are not really based on that, or are they?
As far as being "maybe gay"; I guess you are younger than 33 or you wouldn't have to question your sexuality. And you should know that a large percentage of young guys experiment (to some extent) with homosexuality, or else why the big taboo in the locker room? But you know all of this, don't you? And you should know that masturbating does not = homosexual. In fact, thats pretty healthy .
Please take good care of yourself, Big Panda Hugs