My mother had just died, 14 years ago . . . hit by a drunk driver as she and I were driving home from the Kingdom Hall one night. She had just been reinstated that night after working very hard to bring her life into harmony with the burdensome rules and edicts of the WTBTS. She walked out of the Kingdom Hall that night, I could tell, feeling empty, deflated. Not sure why she looked so dejected in instead of joyful because we did not have a chance to talk about it; we were going to get coffee and talk about things . . .
All of my local relatives, JW's, acted terribly hypocritically, and my mom's sister, Aunt Esther, who always treated my mom like dirt, raised a big stink over two of my older brothers being disfellowshipped and coming to her memorial. She also chose to make an issue of one of my other brother's being gay. (her own grandson was/is gay). She was basically pissed that my mom had died, paid the wage, and got her ticket into the new system, while she had to sit here for the rest of her miserable ignorant life knowing she herself would probably not make it herself.
Some of the elders treated my brothers very badly telling them that they "were damn lucky to even be able to attend our mother's memorial in the Kingdom Hall".
Aunt Fanatical Esther and her brood sat on one side of the Kingdom Hall while me and my brothers sat on the other side. I resented their crododile tears. Esther simply wanted all the attention for herself on my mother's "special day". I looked at them and contrasted their so-called "Christian attitudes" with the open love and support of my "worldly" boss, his wife and kids, and several workmates who were attending, sitting right up front with me, my wife and kids and my brothers. I could see the look of knowing in my boss' eyes. He could plainly see the hypocricy floating around the KH and he gazed at me once with a look that told me to "run like hell" from this crap.
I was having nightmares about the car crash that I walked away from, the same one that instantly claimed my mother's life. I would sometimes bolt in my sleep or awaken sobbing. My wife told me that I should get over it, that I should "be a man and move on". She had never lost anyone close to her and she was not about to be put out by letting me grieve the death of my mother.
Although in good standing, there was no one I could turn to for support and comfort. I felt as though I had already been cut off. My best friends wife, (I did not know what a kookly slut she was) was the only one that offerred me comfort. While nothing ever happened, my wife accused me of having an affair with her. She attacked me and my friends wife physically. When the commotion died down a bit, I reached for cigarette. I smoked it openly and defiantly in my wifes presence. She told the elders. She was new to the religion, I had brought her in and taught her the WTBTS's doctrines, and she learned quickly to use "the truth" as a means by which she could control me. I sat before the elders and matter of factly told them I was smoking. They asked if I had any intention of quitting any time soon. I told them no. I basically knew what I was doing leaving them with no room to show me mercy, no other choice but to expel me from my association with the congregation.
I walked out of the Kingdom Hall that evening know that I had just gained my freedom. It would take me almost 14 years, a divorce, gaining custody of my children and marrying a truly good woman to realize completely that freedom, but here I am now and I have never been happier in all my life.
Corvin