bad.bad.bad.

mayflower

Anyone else feel down right bad and evil for leaving the org dispite what their heart and conscience and better judgement tells them? I've been inactive for about....oh....since october anyway and have gradually been letting friends and family know about it. After every conversation I feel really guilty and selfish and I have to sit down and reassure myself that I'm doing the best thing for me. All I ever tell anyone is I'm inactive because of doubts and I feel that it's appropriate for me to discuss my questions with elders as I don't want to stumble anyone (or be thought of as an apostate). No big discussions; lots of big emotional reactions and defensiveness; lots of personal accusations like not enought study, not enough prayer, not enough association. I don't share any doubts with anyone and I haven't gotten involved with any 'wordly' vices...so why do I feel so bad for listening to my Bible trained conscience?

While I no longer believe that JWs are the only ones with a clean conscience before God, and are the only ones with a personal relationship with God, and the only ones that make Jehovah's heart glad and so on and so forth...It's so hard to let go of these, and such other ideas, because they became an integral part of how I thought and felt and lived for so many years. I've been told for so long that what I'm doing now will result in the opposite of the above mentioned that at times when I know I'm letting friends and family down it's hard to believe otherwise...sigh...

Elsewhere

A great book that could help is called The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.... what you are feeling is on of the things it covers.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1556611609/102-0175448-1300962

SixofNine

welcome mayflower!

I don't relate too much to your experience, but maybe a little. Could it be that you are just so aware of what they are likely thinking about you? Afterall, a short while ago, you would have been thinking the same about anyone else who'd gone inactive because of "doubts".

Even though by stating it that way you've given a buffer to keep them from having to view you as apostate, you know they are thinking that you are one step away from apostacy, and therefore they are thinking you are one step away from the worst kind of evil they can imagine, or at least the evil that frightens them the most. Along with that, many of them are inwardly criticizing your very personality, imagining that you are just too proud/selfish/haughty/lazy/etc/etc too remain faithful.

It is difficult, even when you have used logic to find your way, to stand up to what you feel as the glare of disgust and hatred that the people who have formed your entire community are pointing at you.

Keep reaffirming that the WT has nothing to do with god, and never did, and this will soon get much easier.

kat2u

mayflower,

I know how your feeling I have felt that way.I think most of us here have especially when first getting out or pulling away.Its that conscience that we spent so long training ,to feel what were told to feel, and feel badly if we even have any thoughts of our very own that might not be to their liking

It will get better it does help to talk to others who feel or have felt the same.

Hang in there

Nosferatu

Welcome to the board!

When I left, I was so damn depressed that I didn't care what god thought of me. After a while, I felt kinda bad for leaving Jehovah, but I was feeling so much better about myself, that I really didn't care. I ended up thinking, "Well, I've been nothing but a good person, and if that's not good enough for Jehovah, then so be it".

I also got the "not enough study" and "you didn't see Jehovah as a real person" crap. I also got guilt trips from my mother saying that she failed in raising me in the "truth". But I was feeling so much better emotionally, that I couldn't see it being wrong - that's what kept me from going back. Feeling better as a whole kept me from returning.

When I was younger, I would think about my future - marrying a strong sister in the truth, raising my kids to be good witnesses, and it really depressed me! I didn't want a woman who loved Jehovah & his organization more than me. I didn't want my kids to experience all the garbage I went through in high school. I wanted to make my future family better than the one I was in. I just couldn't see "the truth" as being the answer. I saw it as the problem.

Mayflower, I hope you find a lot of comfort here. I was out for about 6 years before I found this place. it's helped tie up the loose ends in my life.

jgnat

Not terribly surprising, since you were told many, many times that you should feel bad. Here are some study questions from the Draw Close to Jehovah book that tell readers how to feel.

How will we feel as we get to know Jehovah's qualities better? P 15
What mental picture does Isaiah 40:11 create, and how does it affect you? P 20
How might you illustrate Jehovah's self-restraint, and why is it appealing to you? P 44
As we reflect on the power of Jesus, what should we keep in mind, and why? P 96
In what way should we view setbacks in our efforts to pursue righteousness? P 159

As you know, these are all questions with the answers already provided in the text. Tell me, how in the world can a book publishing company direct six million people how they should think and feel? Are they God that they can read your mind and heart?

Give yourself time, pick your own reading materials, and these feelings of guilt will fade. Quickly to be replaced by anger (for being duped for so long), then resignation (duh!) and so on through the grief cycle. Consider this the price of coming clean.

Congratulations, by the way! It sounds like you are making an honorable exit.

Mulan

Welcome!!

I suggest you not tell anyone you are having doubts. Maybe tell them you are going through some stuff and just need a little space and time, to regroup.

codeblue

Welcome to the board!!!

When I found out the truth about the "truth" I went thru betrayal and depression issues.

I hope you find some contentment and peace in your life. This board has been a great help for me.

Codeblue

Quotes

Mayflower,

Your experience is not unique (I hope that reassures you). It is common to exiting JWs, and to people exiting from other High Control groups also. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Speaking from personal experience, combined with what I've read, this is common. Personally, I did't have this discussion board, and the support network it provides, and almost did something very regrettable, very permanent, very deadly.

But you can avoid that, you have already started down the path to recovery by visiting and posting here and discussing with others.

Take comfort in the fact that by visiting this forum you have already taken the first step to recovering your thinking faculties and freeing yourself from the mental bondage of JWism.

Take comfort in the fact that one day, not long from now, you will look back on this time as a necessary period of growth and discovery.

Glad to see you here, best wishes and good luck!!!!

~Quotes
http://Quotes.Watchtower.ca

outoftheorg

HELLO THERE, YOU BAD, BAD, ONE.

I AGREE AND WANT TO RESTATE " DO NOT EXPRESS YOUR DOUBTS TO ANYONE" IN YOUR CONGREGATION OR FAMILY.

TO DO WILL START THE ELDERS AND OTHERS LOOKING AT YOU AS A POSSIBLE APOSTATE.

IT IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH, WITHOUT THIS ADDED TO THINGS, AS YOU SEARCH YOUR WAY THROUGH.

I RECOMMEND YOU OBTAIN OR FIND IN THE LIBRARY, A BOOK WRITTEN BY RAY FRANZ. A FORMER MEMBER OF THE GOVERNING BODY AND READ THROUGH IT.

IT ADDRESSES MANY OF THE ISSUES YOU NO DOUBT HAVE TROUBLE WITH PLUS A WHOLE LOT MORE. HE COVERS ALL ASPECTS OF THE WBTS TEACHINGS AND BEHAVIOUR.

PURCHASE A BOX OF TISSUES BEFORE YOU READ IT. AS IT WILL BRING YOU TO TEARS SEVERAL TIMES AND TO ANGER ALSO.

IN MY CASE "IF THIS HELPS" I HAD TO ADDRESS ALMOST ALL OF THE BELIEFS AND EITHER ACCEPT OR REJECT THEM, TO CLEAR UP THE MENTAL CONFUSION.

LIKE YOU I DID NOT TURN INTO THE "TERRIBLE APOSTATE IMMORAL FIEND" THAT DESCRIBES ANYONE WHO LEAVES THE WBTS AND THEIR TEACHINGS, AS ARE DESCRIBED IN THEIR PUBLICATIONS.

WHILE THERE ARE MANY GOOD AND HELPFUL GUIDELINES AND TEACHINGS FROM THE WBTS, THE LUST FOR POWER AND CONTROL AND THE SENSLESS REQUIREMENTS FAR OUTWEIGH THEM.

IT WAS A SURPRISE FOR ME, TO DISCOVER THAT ALL THE GOOD AND HELPFUL GUIDELINES WERE ALSO OUT HERE IN SOCIETY AND MANY OTHER ORGANIZATIONS AND THAT SOCIETY AS A WHOLE, ALREADY LOOKED UPON THESE THINGS AS "COMMON SENSE".

I AND ALL OF US HERE WISH YOU THE VERY BEST IN YOUR SEARCH AND YOUR LIFE AS YOU PURSUE THESE GOALS.

ACTUALLY MANY OF THE ISSUES YOU FACE, HAVE BEEN THE SAME FOR OTHERS ON THIS SITE AND USING THE SEARCH FUNCTION AND READING THEIR EXPERIENCES, HAS BEEN A GREAT AND WONDERFUL HELP FOR ME.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT FOR YOU.

Outoftheorg

bad.bad.bad.

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