Welcome Mayflower!
Although I am very new to the discussion board, my wife and I walked away 7 years ago and we went through much of what you are going through. Because I was "raised in the Truth" I was quite accustomed to beating myself up over not doing enough. It is a JW time honored tradition. Think about how many times that you have said to yourself: "I am not doing enough." "I should be out in service more." "I didn't study the Watchtower before the meeting." "Did I read the Text today?" "Am I having my Family Study?" and so on and so on and so on... This same behaviour will continue for a time because that is the way you are taught to think and this is repeated over and over again from the platform and from the literature. I know because I felt the above feelings of inadequacy and guilt for the entire 36 years that I was in the Org.
The defensive reaction that you are getting is quite typical when you want to leave the Org. They are thinking to themeselves that it CAN'T be the Organization that has failed to keep you in the "Truth", so therefore it is something that you are failing at, and so they pile more guilt on. Soon someone will be telling you that it is Satan fooling you and that you are in his grasp. I have to also agree with the group that you probably don't want to voice that the reason you are leaving is that you have doubts. You won't convince any of them of your position because they are in defensive mode, as you mentioned, and they are panicing right now because you are leaving. When they have wrestled with you over leaving and are unable to change your mind the final thing will be to quote Peter: "Where else would I go???" When that pops out it generally is with some admission by the person that they have had doubts too, but they will not act on them because they cannot imagine leaving the Organization.
Finally, most everyone on this Board has found something that works for them to help with some of the guilt and selfish feelings. What works for one, may not work for another. Read some of the past posts of people that have left the Org and see if any of the comments are helpful. Also, you mentioned your Bible trained conscience. My Bible trained conscience and reasoning ability is finally what moved me. The identifying mark is love. I was not seeing that despite the Society, in the literature, telling me repeatedly that JW's were the only ones that had "love amongst themeselves." I have seen 36 years of mental abuse, physical abuse, lying, cheating, greed, corrupt elders, corrupt CO etc. etc. and a lack of love. Never did this manifest itself so clearly as when I was a Ministerial Servant. Of course when one questions the fruitage that has been produced through the Organization, the only explanation that is given is that "men are imperfect". When something good would happen in the Org it was Jehovah's spirit, when something bad happens it is "imperfect men". Where is the responsibility? The tree has been producing rotten fruit. And, as your Bible trained conscience tells you: A fine tree cannot produce rotten fruit.
Sorry all for the long post... That was 7 years of pent up stuff. I am new and should probably sit and listen to the veterans speak, but I just can't watch someone beat themeselves up for normal and healthy feelings of doubt. It is contrary to my nature. Good luck (or should I say fortune?;>) ) Mayflower, try to enjoy the journey. Freedom is very sweet. When I am in the ocean surfing on a Tuesday or Thursday evening, I still get a wonderful sensation that I am doing something I love to do and I am not trapped in a Meeting listening to repetetive material that is recycled year after year. Warmest Regards.
Ex
