Introduction

by indoubt 27 Replies latest jw friends

indoubt

Hello All!
I am new to this discussion forum and I wanted to introduce myself. My story is rather ordinary when compared to other members of this board.
First of, I am still a baptized (irregular) jw. As many jws, I started having doubts when viewing the Dateline show regarding child molestation withing the jws. Having two young kids, this is a subject that particularly touches me. After doing more research, and after finding more hidden secrets on the WTS, I slowly stopped going to meetings and in door to door...
But let's back up a little...
I was practically raised as a jw (I was 4 years old when my parents got baptized). I was baptized at 12 years old (which is IMO way too young for such a big commitment).
When I was about 9, my dad was appointed as an elder. At this time, there were only 2 elders in our congregation (including my dad), which kept him extremely busy. Because of this situation, he was rarely there for his own family. This, in turn, created a lot of tension within our familiy... Finally, when I was 14, my mother - who was already emotionally fragile - had to be hospitalized for a severe depression. A year later, my sister (who was only 13) had to be hospitalized for depression as well.
A couple of years after, things slowly got better: my sister got married, my dad did not have as much responsibilities in the cong, my mom was finally given the correct medication (she was later diagnosed as bi-polar), and I moved out and started a life of my own.
I got married at 22 with a beautiful sister, who I still love and cherish today. While we were engaged, we spent a lot of time alone. We never had complete relations before marriage, but we went a little too far on certain occasions. This being said, we did not mention any of this to the elders and we got married.
2 weeks ago, my wife was preparing her wt and started crying. I asked her why: the article she was studying was talking about our situation ("unpure" acts before marriage) and was urging the couples that were in this situation to confess to the elders. She was torn: on one side, she knew that I had no remorse regarding what we did, but on the other side, she felt guilty to hide such a thing from the elders. I suggested that we speak to the elders if this would make her feel better. She decided to talk to the PO right after the Sunday meeting. He told her that he and another elder would contact us within a few days and set a date to come and visit us to talk further about the situation.
We are still waiting for the elders to contact us on the matter.
Here's my dilemma: a judicial committee will most likely occur. As I mentionned, I do not regret what happened between my wife and I before we got married. If I do not "fake" it, this means that I will most likely be df. My wife is still very much active, and I know that it would hurt her to see me df: no more friends/family coming at our house, the "shame" of having a df husband, etc. The last things I want to do is to hurt her.
Do any of you have suggestions/opinions on this matter?
Anyways, I hope nobody fell asleep reading my story .
Looking forward to exchange conversations with all of you!
indoubt
joannadandy

I doubt they'll df you...I mean you are married now, you were young typical kids, it's not like you'll do it again...and even if you do do "IT" again, you're married now, so you're allowed.
I dunno. Feel it out. I would try as much as possible to maintain your dignity, but if it came down to being df'd or lying to keep everyone happy...I would probably lie. It'd be easier in the long run...but that's just me.
Wild_Thing

Interesting ... your JW upbringing sounds so similar to mine ... mental hospitals and all!
Anyway ... I think you are right about there likely being a judicial committee formed over this. Since it has been so long, it will be just a formality. You can tell them what they want to hear, or you can be honest about how you feel about it. If you are honest, they may delve deeper into your personal doubts and it could get really nasty. If you tell them what they want to hear, they are likely to give you a slap on the wrist with "private reproof" ... but you would have to deal with the guilt of knowing you were not completely honest. Just deal with any guilt that might come (I wouldn't have any!) ... and preserve your personal dignity later.
In my opinion, judicial committees are a joke, a game, a kangaroo court. They are not worthy of you feeling any guilt about lying during any of them. Since you are considered a "weak" witness, they are likely to ask you how you feel about your relationship with Jehovah and what you plan to do to strengthen it, etc. etc. Just be ready for what you are going to say ... whether you decide to be completely honest or not. I had friends that fessed up to the elders about a year after they married and they just gave them both private reproof .
The only pitfall I see is your relationship with your wife. However you decide to handle the judicial meetings, be honest with your wife before hand. Don't have her be shocked by anything you say during the meetings. Since she already knows how you feel about the situation, let her know what your worries are. Tell her that you may not be "completely honest" about your feelings during the meetings to avoid any further action. Hopefully, you know your wife well enough to know how she will likely react.
Brother Beyond

Hi indoubt,
I sympathise with your situation, in many ways it sounds similar to mine. My advise would be that you take control, you say that you have serious doubts about the org anyway, and that you may face a jc because of what happened several years ago!! Ask yourself one question, Who are these people to sit in judgment of you?
If you decide to go through with the committee out of respect for your wife then I solute that. The last thing you want to do is to risk splitting up your family. Do NOT let these people control you though, because given half the chance they will do. I know they certainly tried that with me, and I was one of them!!
I have opnly been out of the org myself for 9 mounths. If you don't mind Im going to im you my own introduction to this site I think it will demonstrate the hypochrasy and mind control that exists within the congregation, especially within the elder team!
All the best what ever you decide!
BB
BluesBrother

Trick - ey!
Some basic facts. It all depends on Exactly what you did before marriage. Some acts are clearly pornea, others are a grey area. Be sure of yourself, read up everyyhing you can find... The meeting will be very detailed . Your wife will be asked to relate the most intimate details, who touched who and where? and when, (and perhaps what was she wearing as underwear, to see if she was trying to be enticing) If you go through with this, make sure you have your story straight . It will be horrible.
They need two witnesses or a condession . If you remain silent and refuse to answer, they cannot take action against you, but they can act on a confession from your wife and act against her seperately.
Your best hope is that the experience will be so bad that your dear wife will see it for what it is and join you in the world of the free.
Keep us informed .... PS reminds me of an elders meeting withg a c/o in which I argued what should or should not be "Sexual misconduct" , seems I was "Guilty" 25 years ago and I never realised!
stillajwexelder

I was baptized at 12 years old (which is IMO way too young for such a big commitment). I FULLY AGREE
When I was about 9, my dad was appointed as an elder. At this time, there were only 2 elders in our congregation (including my dad), which kept him extremely busy. Because of this situation, he was rarely there for his own family. This, in turn, created a lot of tension within our familiy... YES THAT APPLIES TO ME - I WAS AN ELDER WHO SPENT FAR TOO MUCH TIME WITH THE CONGREGATION
2 weeks ago, my wife was preparing her wt and started crying. I asked her why: the article she was studying was talking about our situation ("unpure" acts before marriage) and was urging the couples that were in this situation to confess to the elders. (This pisses me off - elders are being like Catholic priests and being FATHER CONFESSORS WHICH IS CLEARLY UNSCRPTURAL AND WHICH THE WTBTS CONDEMS IN Reasoning from the Scriptures) She was torn: on one side, she knew that I had no remorse regarding what we did, but on the other side, she felt guilty to hide such a thing from the elders. I suggested that we speak to the elders if this would make her feel better. She decided to talk to the PO right after the Sunday meeting. He told her that he and another elder would contact us within a few days and set a date to come and visit us to talk further about the situation. We are still waiting for the elders to contact us on the matter.
Here's my dilemma: a judicial committee will most likely occur. Actually not necessarily -- I know of cases that because they happened a while ago , a couple will get off with a minor private reproof and one or two restrictiions - -depends on the body
As I mentionned, I do not regret what happened between my wife and I before we got married. If I do not "fake" it, this means that I will most likely be df. My wife is still very much active, and I know that it would hurt her to see me df: no more friends/family coming at our house, the "shame" of having a df husband, etc. The last things I want to do is to hurt her.
Do any of you have suggestions/opinions on this matter?
FAKE IT -- IT WILL ADD TO THE FALSEHOOD - like the preaching figures - also depends what was done -- if you practiced the "Big O" some elder bodies do not like that because they are not gettinG "The Big O"
mouthy

I would lie!!! THEY!!! taught us we were allowed to lie>>>to those who do not deserve to know the truth.>>>In MY opinion !THEY! do not need to know anything about your private life!!
God is the one that "paid it all" > Not the Borg!!!
Keep telling your wife you really love her- But continue Examining ALL things!!!
How dare they pass judgement on anyone-----They destroy more lives than booze,drugs,sex,by passing their RULES on the "sheep: Talk about Wolves in Sheep clothing .
They are truly showing what the are!!! wolves >seperate sheep !!! I am not judging just observing.
Grace
Maverick

As the husband should you let these men talk to your wife about sex? You are the head of the house by JW standards. You should not allow them to interview her without you being there. If they get too personal you should stop the interview of your wife at that point and instruct her to leave the room. Do not let these untrained, window washers dictate terms to you in regard to your wife. If they have questions they should ask you. And tell them what you feel like telling them. Ask them the same questions back and if they try to dodge the question tell them since they are avoiding the question they must have something to hide. You can even pre-qualify them to make sure they are clean before the WTS. Ask them if they were guilty of getting too friendly with the woman they married? If they don't answer to your satisfaction ask for three different Elders. Don't be a push over. They have no real power if you don't give them any. Maverick
jgnat

Maaaaan, going to the elders to exorcise a guilty conscience? My guess is your wife is going to come out of this feeling worse than before (remember your mother and sister?).
Do everything in your power to keep your marriage united. Don't allow the elders to put a wedge between you two. If I were you, I would put a lot of my effort in to discussing those past events with her, reminding her of the good in your marriage since, and reassuring her that Jehovah is a loving and forgiving God, and surely he can see her good works. Help her ease her conscience WITHOUT the elders' help.
My bet is, the elders are sorry your wife brought this up. Now they have more work to do, over something done and buried.
franklin J

welcome to the forum, indoubt,
you will find support and encouragement here.
Frank

Introduction

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