Introduction

by indoubt 27 Replies latest jw friends

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  cyber-sista

  Welcome Indoubt,

  Yikes, I could feel the stress surrounding that upcoming elders meeting. I have been exiting the Org for less than a year now and have been approached several times by elders to "talk" I talked to them a couple of years ago over about a situation that wasn't even their business (I had commited no sin) but I found out how controlling they can be. . Don't let them interrogate you. I know ones who have been up before the elders with similiar situations and the elders want to know all the details (or the ones around here did) questions such as where did you touch her? did you touch her breast or genitilia-- and then made them describe every minute detail of the encounter...It seemed perverted to me and it is dehumanizing to say the least. If you do decide to meet with them and they try to give you the third degree I would suggest you tell them that out of RESPECT to your wife and the sacredness of your relationship you are not into going into the details about such private matters. I believe in the long run she will respect you for protecting her dignity despite the consequences.
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  indoubt

  cyber-sista:

  Thanks for your advice! To be quite honest, I do not feel stressed about the elders meeting. On the other hand, my wife is very stressed: she can hardly sleep at night. Considering that she approached the elders over 2 weeks ago, and that they told her they would visit us within a few days, it makes me angry that they still did not contact us at all...

  As you mentioned, I believed they will try to dig as deep as they can and they will want to know every details (what we did, frequency, etc). If they start asking me for details, I will simply ask them if knowing what we did would influence at all what they would decide in the end. After all, whatever we did was pornea... whether it is touching breast or genitilia, etc...

  Either way, my wife and I have agreed that they will not know the details.

  indoubt
• 

  RandomTask

  It is sad that they have this kind of control over your wife. I really feel for her. Wasn't it Jesus who told the sinner to go on their way and sin no more. This is in the past for the both of you and the guilt she feels is merely a method for keeping people in-line and under control.

  As far as I am concerned the JW elders have no jurisdiction in the matter because I believe that they are not acting with God's authority or backing and they show this through their works. Of couse, JW doctrine dictates that they do, so your wife is doing what she thinks is right, for they have the weight of God himself on their shoulders from her point of view. Its a very powerful tool to have someone believe you speak for God.

  Which is why I fear for you. You stated that you have doubts, this may lead you down the path of wanting to leave the religion. What you do is certainly your own decision and there is plenty of material available for you to 'Test everything. Hold on to the good', wise words, no matter how you believe. But I fear because your wife believes so fervently that it may be a division between you and her should the situation ever come to a head. Of course I believe that they would turn her against you simply through their daily teachings, you have the stigma of being 'inactive' already. Just be careful.
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  boa

  Indoubt - great to see you and the wife are already forming a 'game' plane for this upcoming meeting - its quite empowering isn't it?

  All the best in a tough situation....ahhh the control sure runs deep with the priest class authority eh?

  stillajwexelder (I still have to slow down when i read your profile name to 'get' it), sorry about that pm - was in a weird mood i guess - who the hell am I to say a thing? no one thats who.

  boa.....still learning
• 

  codeblue

  Welcome Indoubt!!! Glad to have you here.

  Your story about your "doubts" were exactly as mine...Dateline pedophile special about 2 years ago, started it all for me. I only went in the door to door for 2 more times after that...it was just to embarrassing to say we have the "true" religion when we are guilty of things that the Catholic Church has done.

  We relocated over a year ago, as of last June, I officially started fading here, my husband had already been a meeting "submarine"...lol...We feel the same way about being "lied to by the WTBS"...and we were both raised in the "truth". I started "lurking" at this site about 1 year ago....petrified to post for months!!!

  You have had some great advise concerning your question: faking it...is the best!!! After my divorce, I had some dating activitiy that "bothered my conscience"..so I did what your wife did: turned myself in. IT was the worst thing I could have ever done. Although only 2 elders gave me private reproof...I had enough guilt BEFORE they showed up....and Jehovah already knew my heart. I regret ever calling the elders and would NEVER give them the priviledge of knowing something that I had already confessed to Jehovah.

  Codeblue
• 

  mouthy

  Slap me with a wet noodle indoubt!!!! I forgot to welcome you to the site. Put it down to old age. I am the granny on board.... (((HUG))
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  bebu

  Welcome, Indoubt!

  The Bible does say, confess your sins to EACH OTHER (James 5:16) I don't see ELDER in this phrase (or priest, either, for that matter). 1 John 1:9 says that if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just and will forgive us... and purify us from ALL unrighteousness. There is no requirement for an elder to hear that confession. Ask wife, innocently, if the Bible requires this?

  If your wife's conscience has secretly been bothering her all these years, then it might be worthwhile for her to confess--to YOU--about how she failed to live up to her convictions. It might be good for her to hear you apologize for not helping her stay as pure as she desired, if that was indeed her intent.

  Keep the elders OUT of the equation, and keep God's forgivenss in instead. It's a lot gentler.

  bebu
• 

  Nazgul

  Welcome to the board!

  My wife and I went through a similar situation, but it happened before we got married. Even though we had put a stop to it two months before, she got a sudden attack of conscience and decided to talk to an elder about our "pornea" (We did not have sex before marriage, just got a little carried away from time to time).

  We faced a judicial committee. They were ruthless. The elders asked about all the details. They even questioned us separately so we did not know exactly what the other had revealed. They wanted to know why we had not come to them sooner. They questioned many other aspects of our life that had nothing to do with the matter being discussed. They made us feel like the worst sinners on earth. They said we should get married immediately without delay, which I found ridiculous. We were privately reproved and were put on full restrictions for about a year. They did not let us get married at the Kingdumb Hall. (Something I'm grateful for now).

  My advise to you is get your stories straight. Sit down and talk to your wife before you go before the JC. Try to make her understand that she is not an unrepentant sinner. That whatever happens and whatever they tell her she should not feel dirty or ashamed. Those expressions of affection were born out of the love, passion and affection you felt for each other, legitimized by the fact that you are still united. Even if they got a little out of hand they were not malicious. Help her understand its only natural behavior between a man and a woman that feel a deep attraction to each other.

  By the way, if you can, ask the elders in the JC if they ever got hot and heavy with their wives before marriage. I always thought I should have done that ;-)