((((((((( Sookie))))))))))), your words sound so much like what I say to myself all the time. As long ago as my mother died, as long as I have been out of JW,,,, I do know the empty , at times very painful, exhausting feeling of not knowing.
I just have to believe that you have to give yourself time to search, time to listen to whatever is out there that may be giving you a sign ,,,,,,,( if there is any) and you will make it thru. You are SOOOOOOOO right,,,,,,,,,,you will never be "normal " again, in the same class of your peers,,,,,,,because you have been thru so much , they can not even comprehend your pain, your loss, your questions. You are forever in a class all by yourself in the real world. I truly believe it is a blessing that you are on this site, so you dont feel so alone. We may never met, but I hope you know that I , as well as many on this board have been in your shoes,,,,,,,,,in maybe a different circumstance, different time, and place,,,,,,,but the feeling that we are left with is the same. We just don't know how to comfort ourselves without the WT telling us what to believe. It is hard to go it alone,,,,,,,after all of your life ,,,,,you go to the bound volumns for any thing you needed answers for and there you had it. It was pretty easy to convince ourselves they were right and we just had to have faith that what they said would turn out to be true.
Now our spiritual foundations are rocked to the ground in a crumble. We probably could weather it so much easier if we didnt have the nagging questions of where is our loved ones , now that we are not sure of our own beliefs???????? I guess that is natural, part of the healing process leaving JW. It is so sad that you leaving JW , so young and having this on your plate. I say that in a motherly way.......feeling for you as I would comfort myself at the age of 18 , if I could. I had no one to comfort me then,,,,,surely not my JW "brothers and sister" for they wouldnt even talk about my mother,,,,,,,talk of her was off limits.
Just know that anytime you want to talk about your boyfriend or anything,,,,,,,you do it. Don't hold back your grief,,,,,your sorrow, or your questions,,,,,,,because I promise you.....20 years later,,,,, if you don't face all of that now,,,,,,, it WILL still be with you as it is today. I never began to heal over my mother until I left JW.......I am still healing and I feel more peace with her than I ever did in the last two years, than I did as a JW for over 17 yrs since her death.
You are doing great Sookie. Your boyfriend is probably somewhere wishing you knew that .