Yes, it's me. I've lost old hotmail accounts and the old account info that went with them. But it is me, Es, Essie, Esmerel/alda, in addition to anything else obscene I may be known by in these parts.
I just pounded this out in pure frustration. I'm probably going to get heckled for posting it but what the hell, there isn't anywhere else I can go where people will get this, and I can't keep it inside, it has GOT to go somewhere before my brain explodes.
So here it is. Why did I go to that restaurant today? I'm sure my JW relatives would love to say that it was Jehovah's way of reminding me what I'm supposed to be doing. To me, it was the ultimate irony of the universe and/or a chance for me to make amends to someone for something that bothered me for a long, long time. My dad took me out to run my weekly errands. Since I can't drive anymore and he is retired he is always willing to pitch in to help out that way. We usually lunch on Wednesdays, it gives us both an outing and allows him to spend some time with his granddaughter as well. Only, he's not supposed to eat with me, because I'm disfellowshipped. Well, we're sitting in a booth and in walks a group of seven, count 'em, seven pioneers. Most of them I didn't know, the oldest lady in the group smiled at my Dad and said hello, she's known him and my mom since long before I was born. But she didn't know me, so no reaction. Then, in walked a woman I recognized, I had no idea she was this older lady's daughter. She hugged me, it was obvious to me that she had no clue of my 'status'. She asked how I was, told me that my daughter was beautiful, and showed me pictures of her kids. I told her that I'd remarried, and she said "Oh, so have I, it's a whole different world isn't it?" I showed her a picture of my husband and I and said "Yes, we're so happy. It's a different life." My mind, meanwhile was racing a million miles a minute, and I realized the last time I'd seen this pretty woman. It was 16 years ago, we were in the same technical training school. I didn't know at the time that her family and mine were old friends, she was just another classmate that I chatted with over coffee every morning before class. Then, one day, the subject of JW's came up and this girl, who seemed so much older but couldn't have been any more than 25, turned pale. She looked at me and said "You're a witness?" and I said "Yes," and she replied softly "I'm disfellowshipped." I remember at the time being torn so badly about what to say, it was such a shock and I was so young and lets face it, stupid. I knew I was supposed to turn away from her and all, and all my stupic seventeen year old mouth could spit out was "I'm sorry, I can't have coffee with you tomorrow morning." I was never unkind to her, never pretended she wasn't there, I always smiled at her and said "Hi" when I saw her, but I could tell just my being there was upsetting to her. "I'm coming back." she had quickly told me at the time. "I'm already going to meetings." "I can't wait to see you there." I said, and that was it. I was never unkind to her, as many JW's have been to me in public since my df'ing nearly six years ago; I didn't turn away as if she wasn't there. But I did treat her differently, I didn't drink coffee with her, and I have always, always felt so bad about that. Even when I was still a JW, I felt horrible about it. She is the only person I ever knew when I was a JW who was DF'd that I treated differently than any other person on the planet. After that, I never, ever made a distinction again on the basis of a person's standing in the org. I found it just too painful to do. I ended up dropping out of that particular school, but I never, ever forgot Tina (not her real name). I heard after the fact that she had gotten disfellowshipped after a nasty divorce. She was remarried, and I found out later through my parents that she'd been reinstated. I never got to see her when we were both on the same side of the fence. Today, after a few minutes, I looked at her and I said softly (out of earshot of the others) "It's very ironic, when we met, our positions were reversed." She got a horrified look on her face, and she said "Oh, you're disfellowshipped? I didn't know, I'm sorry." "No, I'm sorry, I don't want to bother you." I didn't want her to be embarassed in front of her mother and friends talking to evil me. She was just so flabbergasted she didn't turn away. Then something happened that I was totally unprepared for, I burst into tears. I looked away, and she said "Hey, it happened to me, twice. To one of my siblings too and now you'd never know it. You know what it's all about..." meaning I knew full well what I was supposed to be doing, and that the "truth" was the truth. Same thing everyone else says. "It's just...hard for my family. Hard on my daughter, her dad still takes her to meetings." is all I could get out. But there was something else I wanted to, had to say to her, even though I knew I would look like a fool no matter what I did at this point. "Tina, I have thought about you over the years more than you can imagine. If I could go back and change the first reaction I had that day at school when you said," "Oh, it's okay, it's okay." She said hurriedly. I could tell she wanted to end the conversation. "Well, I wanted you to know that, if I could change it, I would. You, you take care of yourself." I said. "You too," Tina said sadly, and she turned back to her party, who was thankfully chattering among themselves, oblivious to what had just been said between us. I turned back toward my dad and my child who was facing me in the booth and my daughter asked why I was crying. "Long story, honey." I said. I tried to eat my food but suddenly I felt as if everything I'd already swallowed was about to come up. I gulped hard. "I hate long stories." she said. I turned her attention back to her food, and my father just kept eating, not saying a word. I know he didn't want to make me any more upset than I already was. I have felt like a horrible person forever for the way that I refused to socialize with this perfectly fine woman, and the fact that I was as brainwashed as the next borg, only 17, baptized as a child and raised by zealots didn't, and still doesn't make me feel any better. I hope my dad doesn't get into any trouble for being seen in public eating with me. He's only returned to attenting meetings in the past year since he was ill and I don't want to cause him trouble. Not that he has ever truly put all his store in what the elders say. He's too smart. So my question, oh wise comrades at JWD, is what the hell did this happen for? Was it bad timing? Was it just irony making itself apparent? Was it fate giving me a chance to apologize to her so I could let that guilt go? Was it just a slap in the face from fate when I had finally stopped hating myself for making my family miserable? What scares me, what truly, totally scared the shit out of me is what I said to her when she said "You know all about the Truth..." I said "Yes, and you never know what could happen." Meaning, maybe someday I'd go back. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? I've been out for so long, made so much progress, I would rather be shot at dawn then ever be a Witness again, and that is what comes out of my mouth? What is the matter with me? Where did that come from? Why did I feel like less of a human being than this woman when she was being kinder than any other 10 JW's would have been? Is it from the fact that my sister has reappeared on the periphery of my life in the past few weeks and is trying once again to get to my child while still not dealing with me at all? Is it that I'm sick, tired, and sick and tired of my family being so fucked up? That I would just like for once to be able to sit down with my grandmother and have a meal and know that she's not going to cry over me? I can't believe the words came out of my mouth. I know I never want to say them or feel them or even think them again. I know last week when my mom asked if she could ask one of the local elders to call on me, if I'd want to see him and I said "Mom, he wouldn't approve of my attitude, it wouldn't get us anywhere." I don't want to be a witness, ever, ever again. I dont' want them to get my child. Bad enough she is exposed (on and off) to the cult through her father. But now I'm just sitting here crying, feeling like shit and wondering, is there a lesson for me in all of this? What the hell am I supposed to learn? If anyone has any ideas, I'd be grateful to hear them. Regards to compatriots old and new on the forum, I think of you all more than you know. love, Esmeralda