(((((( Essie)))))
I've missed you lady.
Much love,
Cassi
An Esmerelda by any other name would still be just as screwed up.
by Fleur 24 Replies latest jw friends
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Country Girl
Welcome back, Essie. Good to see you posting again. Since I don't believe in coincidences, I'd say that your intense longing over all these years finally prompted the universe to give you the opportunity to make it right. You did beautifully. You were being open and candid, and loving... and I'm sure that made a good impression on her.
CG
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Fleur
Thanks so much for your replies, everybody.
I think you're right, it was a chance to say something I had wanted to say for a long time now to a person I had absolutely no idea how to reach. Closure, indeed, sometimes things happen that you just can't expect or explain.
I really appreciate too the idea of the 'first language' or doing the polite thing in JWspeak, my mind was going faster than I believed it could anymore! But JW truly is my first language, I mean they started programming me as a zygote, it just really surprised me that I can still speak it so fluently. I consider it a warning to myself, that I have to remember that I've come so far. I mean, it was what, over four years ago I posted on H2O for the first time? I was a total basket case, a complete wreck. Now I"m just a fender-bender lol. I think I underestimate sometimes the recovery I am still going through after a lifetime of JW programming.
I'm glad you guys think I did okay, the more hours that pass since the encounter, I know that if nothing else, I did my best.
My sweetie took me out for dinner, I actually managed to eat something. Right before we left, I got a call from a friend miles and miles away, she was giggling and telling me about a fun outing she had last night, and she's 36, has an autistic child, a husband in iraq, and was just diagnosed with a brain tumor two weeks ago. she had surgery and now is going under radiation and is still the sunny person she always has been. if any jw i know was going through half of that, they'd be totally unglued and having a Job complex.
I'm grateful for the friends I have, here, and elsewhere. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I just can't go back to being the robot I was the first 25 years of my life. It wouldn't work...I'm just rambling at this point, hope i'm still making some sense. The MonSter has been riding me particularly hard lately, and it feels good to be in the company of old friends. It's like a veterans reunion: we've all been through the same tour of duty and no one else can quite understand what we've gone through. you had to be there.
hugs!!!
essie
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Fleur
no one else has any sage advice and wisdom to share?
how about answering this question...does it really, truly ever get any easier? i thought it was getting easier, but sometimes i feel like i'm right back where i started...even though i know that's not true...
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outnfree
(((((Essie)))))
Was it fate giving me a chance to apologize to her so I could let that guilt go? I think, yes, and I'm glad you've since come to that conclusion, too.
And I don't think I could get any more sage than the person who mentioned Language 1 -- that was a PERFECT explanation! Don't beat yourself up over that. The two people who may have overheard you who actually count in your life, your Dad and your daughter, know where you stand and will not expect you to come back on the basis of what "slipped" out during an unexpected and unguarded moment.
I am sorry your Grandma cries at your decision, but pleased that you are still meeting her for tea.
I think it does get easier, but it's a matter of progress, retrogression, more progress, more retrogression, with progress winning out in the long term. The healing is faster for those of us who no longer have any familial ties to the Borg, but I'm not sure a cure is possible for any of us in this lifetime. That is why this board is such a help. When we have moments like the ones you related above, the people here can understand in a way no other non-coms possibly can. (I liked your tour of duty analogy, too!) We all bear the scars of the battle of self vs. the Watchtower, and like war veterans, we can usually carry on a semblance of 'normal' life (whatever that is) and not be overwhelmed by the JW experience. But every once in a while, a trip to the bar at the VFW Hall is in order.
Cheers, honey! to one of the most deserving Purple Heart honorees I know!
Love,
out
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outnfree
Oh, and Grandpa can blame the outing on your illness AND granddaughter's need to eat - NOW! Kids are SO unable to wait to be fed....
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slipnslidemaster
If you don't mind, I'm gonna call you Essie... (((((essie)))))
But now I'm just sitting here crying, feeling like shit and wondering, is there a lesson for me in all of this? What the hell am I supposed to learn? If anyone has any ideas, I'd be grateful to hear them.
What is the lesson? I believe you said it...
I don't want to be a witness, ever, ever again. I dont' want them to get my child. Bad enough she is exposed (on and off) to the cult through her father.
Do your best to keep yourself whole, keep your child as protected as possible. Try if you can to help your family but if you have to protect yourself by using what has been taught to you and cutting them off then you have too. Remember, celelebrate the holidays with your daughter like they were the most important thing ever and I think she'll be alright. I've come to the realization that if I'm going to live normally and have my children protected and to stay sane, I'm going to have to "disassociate" myself from my family. Unfortunately they have made the too easy for me too do. Anyway, keep your head up and look forward to the new Trek prequel that's in the works. Slippy p.s. Do I know why you don't drive? I'm sorry if I've forgotten.
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Frannie Banannie
((((((((((ESSIE))))))))))))) G/Friend!!! I've missed you so and wondered where you were, chere! You may not remember me. My alias has changed from years back when it was ...hmmm....Apollyona, I think.
I'm thinking about that comment you made and wish you could take back.....it didn't sound like what you said it did to MOI at all, chere. What it sounded like is that perhaps she could come out again for whatever reason. Perhaps that's what you were in there for. After all, you never know what could happen, eh?
Hugs,
Frannie B
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Fleur
((((((((((slippydear and frannie and out!!!!!!))))))))))))))
thanks, it all seems so much clearer hearing it from outside my own head. it helps to know that i'm not just going mad...
slippy, you should see our house on christmas morning lol. you cannot walk for all the packages. the tree often has to sit on top of some of them, my daughter talks about it constantly, and we have indepth talks about religion and the problems it causes in the world when two opposing groups of people both believe that they have the 'only' true religion. She sees the reports about the war, we have explained to her that the problems in many countries are due to the fight over 'holy' land and religion, and she wants nothing to do with any of it. she knows full well that the organization is the cause of the rifts in our family, and she says to me "Mom, i don't know what i should do," about becoming a jw to please her father. i told her that is a decision she can't possibly make as a child, and that she shouldn't even consider such a thing until she's no longer a minor. that gives me at least another 10 years to be sure that what he does doesn't sink in.
the other light at the end of the tunnel is that he hasn't been attending meetings with any regularity in the past year, he didn't even try to take her to the memorial this year. so maybe...it might not always be as hard as it is now.
I may end up being the agnostic that raises an athiest, but there are worse things, I know. I'd rather raise someone who doesn't believe god exists than someone who believes that he's going to wave a magic wand that kills 7 billion people and only lets a few live if they jump through the hoops of men.
i'm certain i'm making no sense here at all...certain of it. but rambling on none the less...you guys help so much, thank you.
*raising my glass too to my fellow comrades...*
oh, and slippy, neurological problems, why i can't drive anymore. it sucks, believe me...it's like being freaking 14 again. only i was much cuter then...
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Cowboy
(((((((((( Essie ))))))))))
CB