I think I need help with this..

ScoobySnax

This whole JW thing is doing my head in. This Universal Issue, this good and bad stuff, right and wrong.

I don't think I'll ever make my mind up which way to jump, I keep trying to rationalise in my mind where I am and where I'm going. Its like being stuck constantly in a rut. Most of you know what its like to grow up in the Witness faith, you get ostracised and laughed at at school or at work, but you feel (or did feel) a bit better when you went to the meetings where you were amongst like minded people, that gave you a sense of security. When you no longer go to the meetings but still can't let go of your faith, you feel so out on a limb. I feel that most of you are probably right here, I can't talk up the JWs in good faith whilst living the life I do and posting here the same time, truth be known the JWs probably would d/f me. But then to post here on these same terms invites ridicule too from exJWs. None of this is anyones fault, its because of the simple yet complex fact that I can't make a decision one way or the other.

I can't stop thinking as a JW does, its part of me. Yet I can't live as one either. They're so meshed together, although truth be know I don't think I'll ever be ready to lose that part of me either. I'm amazed at how some of you have. I haven't got a lot of time for those that show so much hate and contempt for it, (because I can't imagine feeling that way and it "feels" like an attack on me) yet equally I'm impressed at those who respond fairly to whatever crap I've posted before, they have patience and they seem to have done it, to have moved on totally and be content.

Then I start to think what has stumbled me, I think I know what it was and is, and then I get angry about that too, which equally is still a part of me....being gay. I get annoyed that I am like that, so much so that I punched a wall the other night. Yeah I know really intelligent. But its just frustration. Oh I'm rambling.

Then again maybe it was just another shit week at work. I need a beer.

Who Am I ?? F*^k knows.

LittleToe

Cognitive dissonance sux, but life does get better.

A leap of faith is such because it requires letting go of the past and forging ahead with the unknown future.
It's usually a liberating experience, though.

Meanwhile, why go for an all or nothing approach? Dismantle the past piece by piece, rather than in a oner.
You already know that they don't accept you, and that you are who you are. It's their unbending legalism that is putting you in such a state, anyhow.

I wish you well, on the path that has opened up in your life.
Go easy on yourself - you aren't the first, and will by no means be the last, to feel the way you do.

Nosferatu

Most of you know what its like to grow up in the Witness faith, you get ostracised and laughed at at school or at work, but you feel (or did feel) a bit better when you went to the meetings where you were amongst like minded people

Not really, I didn't fit in to either world. I had to create my own.

I can't stop thinking as a JW does, its part of me.

Believe it or not, you can modify your own morals and beliefs, even if they're deep rooted. It's a lot of hard work, but it's well worth it in the end. Anything can be accomplished as long as you work at it. It all depends on how hard you work at it.

Then I start to think what has stumbled me, I think I know what it was and is, and then I get angry about that too, which equally is still a part of me....being gay.

I didn't know that was the issue you were struggling with. I thought it was just not having the "energy" to do the JW activities. I'm not sure how much research you've done on the subject, but it might be a good idea. Sorry, I can't help you in that area, but I hope you can eventually work everything out.

I get annoyed that I am like that, so much so that I punched a wall the other night.

Scoob, I've told you before that if there's something you enjoy, then embrace it. It seems like you're not on the fence of being a JW and being worldly, it sounds more like you're on the fence with being JW and being Gay. You'll probably have to choose one of the two, since they don't go together very well (or at all).

new light

Sounds like you've been thoroughly indoctrinated. It's OK, since it doesn't have to be terminal. You feel guilty over your sexuality. That guilt was force-fed to you by the WTS.

Guilt is the WTS's number one weapon. It's also one of the major reasons someone would join/rejoin the JWs. I know from experience. Guilt leads to religion.

My advice would be to sever yourself from any religion/dogma for a while and see what happens. You may learn to be totally self-reliant intellectually, seeing a man-made program of "spiritual food" as the ridiculous sham that it is. Trust me, once you get here you'll never want to leave. Good luck, Scoob!

Insomniac

Dang, Scooby, I was all ready to post a reply, and then I read what Little Toe wrote. He writes much more lucidly than I do; I'll only add that I think you should take whatever amount of time you need to come to a decision. I think most of us won't ridicule you for being "on the fence" as it were, and for those who do, ignore them.

Ultimately, I think you can't ever be happy as a dub; your sexuality is a pretty huge thing to try to sweep under the rug, and you'd never be able to openly date the fellas if you were still in the org.

Whatever you decide, please don't be a stranger to us here-we'd miss you if you left!

avishai

Wow, buddy. The illusion of paradise earth is really hard to give up. So is everyone you know. My dad died when I was 13. Having to give up the witness ideal of a paradise earth in that context was the hardest. But, if some of what they say is bull, chances are most of it is. I just try to love and help everyone i can for real as much as possible. In the way the good samaritan did for his Jewish brother. I work w/ kids, and try to help others on here, as you have, and do. I find doing this takes away most of the "loss" I feel from my upbringing. Love ya scoob. I'm sorry you are experiencing so much of a crisis of conscience. But what can helping others hurt? It's definitely not forbidden by Jehovah.

galaxy7

Scoobysnax you know the witness religion will never totally accept you.Why would you want to subject yourself to that?

I understand what you say about it becoming part of you but it also sounds like you will not find complete happiness with them

If religion is so important to you find a faith that will accept you totally for the wonderful person that you are

There are many truths and many roads that lead to god if that is what you are looking for

Markfromcali

I can't stop thinking as a JW does, its part of me. Yet I can't live as one either. They're so meshed together, although truth be know I don't think I'll ever be ready to lose that part of me either. I'm amazed at how some of you have. I haven't got a lot of time for those that show so much hate and contempt for it, (because I can't imagine feeling that way and it "feels" like an attack on me) yet equally I'm impressed at those who respond fairly to whatever crap I've posted before, they have patience and they seem to have done it, to have moved on totally and be content.

What about just being as you are, not knowing where to go? That *seems* like the last place you want to be, but there's no denying that's where you are now. But you actually hinted at the answer yourself - thinking a certain way is one thing, living it is another. I didn't even know anything when I walked away, but there was the inherent sense that I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't live it because it was no way to live. That's all that's needed in the beginning, try living your life instead of thinking it for a change - you get the sense of what I'm saying?

I hear you on the hate and contempt, at this point I don't have any agenda one way or the other. Now if it should come up with a Witness I'm not gonna avoid the issue, I just tell it like I see it.

Then I start to think what has stumbled me, I think I know what it was and is, and then I get angry about that too, which equally is still a part of me....being gay. I get annoyed that I am like that, so much so that I punched a wall the other night. Yeah I know really intelligent. But its just frustration. Oh I'm rambling.

I've had that kinda anger, punched a few holes myself back in the day. Welcome to the human race.

ScoobySnax

Thanks for that all......I'm re-reading them again.

Scoob

Dan-O

I need a beer.

Start swimming the big pond, Chief. I just bought a whole case of frosty cold barley pop.

There are some beliefs which I will probably carry for the rest of my life. These mostly center on core values & behaviors that shaped my character when I was young.

There are other beliefs of the witnesses which I quickly discarded, probably because I had never fully accepted them in the first place. And those were the beliefs which caused the big problems for me at the KH in the first place, because the simple act of doubting or questioning them was 'unacceptable' to the WTS.

Then there's some other stuff in between ... things which I thought I'd hang on to as I was leaving, but have since discarded in favor of concepts that make a whole lot more sense to me. And I'm sure that my philosophies about the nature of God and His expectations for humans will continue to evolve over the coming years.

It's kinda scary stepping out of the holding pen when that's all you've known. It will take time for you to adjust to your surroundings, and then you can decide which side of the fence is the right one for you.

I think I need help with this..

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