Hello! I am very sorry for the dilemma that you are going through. Nobody can tell you what do do, the decision will have to be yours. I feel that I would still be in the "Truth", had it not been for my sexuality. I wanted so badly not to be gay, as I really once had a real love for the org. when I was growing up. There was even a time when I went to a group in Minneapolis who's mission was to "Change" gay people to a straight lifestyle. Needless to say, that didn't work, but shows how much I was willing to try. I realized that I could not change the way I was. Even as a small child, before I knew what the word Homosexuality was or meant, something inside of me knew that I was different in that aspect. I suppose that I could have martyred myself and become celibate and stayed in the Org, but imagine the frustration and tension that it would have caused. I cannot fathom anyone being truly celibate, as that would also entail no masturbation and no "Unclean" thoughts, which are also no-no's as far as the Org. is concerned. Short of having a Frontal Lobotomy, and becoming totally zombiefied, it just doesn't work! You have a very tough choice to make-but if you let your heart truly guide you, you will find the answer. Do so at a pace that is comfortable for YOU, as it is your ultimate decision. I will tell you that after finally leaving, I still had a lot of issues regarding guilt, fear and depression. The other night you punched the wall. I assume you used your fist. I used to punch walls too, but unfortunately for me, I used my head-no joke, that is how worthless I felt about myself. PLEASE do not let yourself get to such a point. Take a break, do some soul searching, reach deep inside yourself, and do what YOU need to do. If you decide to leave the org, it doesn't mean that you have to leave behind all of the things that you learned while in the org, ie; some of the good qualities, such as honesty. True, I am no longer in the org. but did retain certain qualities that me a likeable person to a lot of people. After distancing myself from the org. I began to notice that I could actually use my brain, do research, and begin reasoning for myself. That is what we have brains for-they are our own brains, which means we are entitled to do our own reasoning with them! Eventually I found facts-actual facts regarding the org, that could not be denied. Gradually, by soul searching, and mind-searching, I became more and more at ease with myself. But, as anyone I am sure will agree, no matter how many years go by, a person will still have days of questioning, but, they become fewer and far between, and do not seem to have as much a drastic impact on our lives. You will heal in time-granted you will probably have a "scar"-but think about it, is not a scar proof that we had an injury, but were able to still heal from it? It is just a reminder of a past experience, and shows that we are STRONG enough to heal.
I wish you the best!!!
CJ
P.S. Keep in mind, that you have friends here who truly care, and will support you no matter what you decide!!!
