by Lady Lee 42 Replies latest jw friends
((((((all who post here whether they can say anything or not))))
Yes it may be filled with tears and perhaps anger and sorrow but hopefully with healing too and an opportunity to grieve the losses whether WTS-inspired or abuse-inspired or through the death of a loved one
Alll you all have shared some very beautiful thoughts. A mother is the single most influential person in your life at and early age, and hopefully, if you're lucky in to your adulthood. All of your post make me want to be the Best Mother who ever lived. Even if it is just as a fill in mum to Spencer.
As regards my mother, I resented her growing up, but I am so much like her now as an adult I have no choice but to respect her. She is an epitome of a "good woman." She taught me everything there is to know about running a house. I know how to wash 3 loads of laundry with a teaspoon of dish soap, or which grocery stores offer the best coupon deals. I learned about giving more of yourself to others than you get back most of the time. And what the perfect combinations of soup, juice, and tylenol are to make you feel better fast.
For those without mothers, true loving forever-there mothers:
Lady Lee, Tex, Maya, Alias, Ohio Cowboy, Nos,
Your different pains are palpable, I feel it so profoundly across this electronic line. You make me feel selfish and small for disliking my own mom so much, when for all of her annoying habits I've never doubted her love. I'm sorry.
I've no doubt, that no matter how much you go on past the pain, you'll never be really whole. My heart and love go out to you all.
~A
I will never pull any of this $hit on my children, I can promise this much.
You know, I had a foster mother too. I don't think about her too often.. But I lived with her from the age of 13 - 16.
Dear Mrs Fraser
You took me in when my mother threw me out supposedly to protect me but really because she blamed me for her live-in boyfriend having sex with me.
Thank you for reminding me that I was dirty and tainted and damaged goods.
Thank you for letting me know how untrustworthy I was and that I was sex-crazy.
Thank you for driving me to school every day and picking me up so I would have no opportunity to meet the boys I would try to seduce on the street no less.
Thank you for never letting me have use of the phone in case I was making dates with the boys at school.
Thank you for screening all my mail (not that I got a lot) but I just know you didn't want any sex talk in those letters from my mother.
Thank you for watching me like a hawk in case I even thought of anything sexual.
Thank you for never letting me participate in any after-school activites because boys might be involved and I just might attack them right there in front of everyone.
Well you took me in when no one else wanted me and found ways to remind me daily of how unwanted and unlovable (but sexual) I was.
You made my three years a life of hell and imprisonment
Lee (your foster kid)
Like many here i had a mother that was uncaring , if she were alive today i would say,,,,
You are were you belong ,remember when i was just under a year old you would hold me above the toilet and say bad baby go away as you would flush the toilet with my head in it, and it did not stop till i got to be for you to pick me up by my feet. Remember when i was in grade school and you never came to any conferences or met my teachers or when i came home from school with my paintings and you told me i needed mental help. Mother you spent most of my growing years drunk in bed or when you weren't in bed you tried to strangle me or when you tried to kill my sister and me with a shot gun and we would go to bed at night with our beds against the door so you could not get us in our sleep. Mother remember the day dad killed himself in our garage , how you laughed and things got even worse, you were so drunk that you never bought food , my sister was 14 and i was 12 so we stole from stores just to make it. Do you remember the names you called me ,why you hated me i did not realise till i was an adult , dad raped you , you wanted no more kids and became pregnant with me. Mother i could go on and on and on, but you are dead and i never went to your funeral and you cannot hurt me anymore.
It has been awhile since I have addressed my mother, for awhile I used to sit outside wondering if she was indeed in Heaven hearing me. For now I still feel so lost, I don't know what to believe anymore,but I do know that my mother's memory crosses my mind several times a day. She will forever be an active live aspect of my life, if only in memory.
Mama,
I could write and write about the feelings I have, but I dont wont to focus so much on the past. I see you know thru different eyes, than when I last saw you. I was only 18 and so very immature , yet I thought I knew it all. I treated you harshly over the years , over your drug abuse, over your constant depression, over your sad tears all the time. I just wanted you to be happy. I thought if I could only get you to stop taking the drugs that you would be well, you would be happy. Little did I realize the magnitude of your lifelong depression. Little did I realize at the time what torture it really was for you to stay with Daddy. When you were out of it all those years, I turned to the only parent that was there , and that left me with Daddy. I guess that is where I learned to truly be a self righteous know it all. I had little tolerance for your problems....thinking as Daddy did, that you should pick yourself up and shake the dust off. I had no clue.
After you took your life, I was angry at you, I just knew that was how it was going to end,,,,every since I was a little girl. When it was a reality , I didnt want to believe it.
I didnt greive you the way I should have,,,,,being a JW all those years I just put off healing until, the "new world' came.
It wasnt long Mama, that I found out what your depressions were like. I saw myself crying, sad, depressed and feeling hopeless, and I saw your face.
I began to know just a bit of how you must have felt. I had my own children and I saw what a hard job it really was.
I began to understand you so much more. I started remembering not the bad times, but the good times. I know there were not many for you, but the ones I have of us, going horseback riding, singing Barry Mannilow, Hank Jr. cranked up in the car with the wind blowing in our hair, laughing so hard on theway back from Grandma's that you got a speeding ticket,,,,making a pack the 3 of us , you me and Gin,,,that Daddy would never find out about that ticket....lol. Those are the things I will hold on to Mama, because that was the real Lura, that was your essense, that was the person I feel when I am having a good time with my family. God, I wish you could have lived to see my family, maybe you do , I just wish I could see your face, smell your hair, and touch you , just one more time.
I truly miss you Mama, and don't forget one of our favorite songs....... remember I wrote it on the back of that pretty bufferfly poster I gave you while you were in rehba? This was your favorite song....."The Way We Were".........our favorite part......." what's too painful to remember ,,,,,,,,we simply choose to forget.........but it's the laughter , we will remember , whenever we remember ,,,,,,,,,the way were were".
I still love you with all of my heart Mama....,
your oldest daughter, Delores
what would my mother have been likeif she had never read that first watchtower
She would have sat around and laughed
She would have shopped for presents
She would have made a birthday cake
She would have taken time for herself
She would have had a holiday
she would have looked forward to the future
She would have helped her children prepare for college
She would have had coffee with the neighbours
She would have left my dad who abused her
She would have looked forward to little things
She would have gone to school sports day
She would have watched the school christmas play
She would have read the books she wanted to read
She would have had a richer more loving life
My mom died mothers day 2001
I miss her
Mother,
I have a hard time even calling you that at this time,because mothers dont turn there backs on their children,nor do they do the other things you have done to me.I never could imagine being as angry with you as I am now.
I know you have drawn your line in the sand that you wont again be in the same place as i am untill i "repent" and turn back to what you think i should be doing.I WILL NOT! Because of this line you have drawn I plan to never see you again.This does hurt but because of your influence much more is at stake here, you have sucessfully influenced my daughter and now I have no relationship with her or my grandaughter.
Where were you when it was tough for her.When she was soo sick and we were given no hope when she was young?
Where were you when her son was diagnosed with his problems?Where were you when he died?
Well I was there for her and was the only one who supported her not you or any other JW.Just me.
I have other situations I wish to know why you wernt there when I needed you as a child.
I hope this anger I feel right now will become only a dull ache when I think of you, as I continue to grow and heal from what you have helped to cause.
Kathryn your eldest
Well..............my mother is a devout JW, and would be devastated if I forgot her on Mother's Day. She may not observe it, but she knows I do, so will want some little token for the day. So I got something for her and always do. If I give it to her on that day, she will not open it until the next day, so I usually give her something a day early. She loves the attention. She is the same way about her birthday and mine. She never forgets.
Even when we were JW's, she would call me and wish ME a Happy Mother's Day, so I would say it back to her. It means something to moms for sure.
There is so much I would say to my mom if I could..it would fill ten pages I'm sure, but would be too emotionally draining and right now my kiddo is sick with a stomach bug so I need to take care of him.
All I can say is, Mom I really wish you could see how amazing your grandson is and how much he learns and grows every single day. I wish you could be a part of our lives. I wish you could somehow understand that I am not a 'lost sheep' but that I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I know it will never happen but I wish you could know one day what mental freedom feels like. You have been a JW your whole life and never known the happiness that comes from living your own life free from religious control. My heart breaks when I think of you. I have never told you but I love you.
