I am a newbie to the site. I was born an raised a jw. Shortly after marriage, my husband and I decided we no longer wanted to be part of the organization. We pulled away and kept to ourselves, without trying to mislead anyone or be bad influences. The elders eventually tracked us down and told us we would be disfellowshipped if we didn't meet with them. I chose to meet with them simply so that I would not be disfellowshipped and still allowed to talk to my family. I was disfellowshipped by a judicial commitee. They made the decision in less then five minutes. That was nearly two years ago. I have found happiness and peace with myself, my spirituality and god. The thing I still have trouble with is that I cannot share the simple joys of life with my brother, sister and parents. They weren't there when I bought my first new car and my first house. They won't be there when their grandchildren are born. I know they still cling to the hope that one day I will come to my senses and return to the organization. I just want to know how some of you out there cope with this sadness. Thanks!
how does everyone else cope with being shunned by family?
by nb-dfed 36 Replies latest jw experiences
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XQsThaiPoes
they cant DF you for being inactive. Also you should never meet with them for that implies guilt accoring to the PA book. Also They can only DA you at most. DAing implies no wrong doing. THe shunning is vague and unoffical so technically you could get around it if you family and friends really loved you. ALso every year they have to contact you and ask do you want to be reinstated. so the quickest way around it since it has been 2 years is become reinstated. And never meet with them afterward.
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nb-dfed
Well, they were going to df us because they had two witnesses against us. They don't need any reason if two people have made statements against you. I just went in to try and prevent it, but it didn't work. I stormed out though after they made their decision, so that doesn't bode well. I've thought about going back just to be reinstated and then stop going, but my family would be on my case. "Why aren't you at meetings?" or "Why don't you go out in service, you used to be a pioneer?" I would never get any peace. I just don't understand how one can believe that a loving god would want you to have nothing to do with your own family! Enough ranting on my part. Thanks for listening.
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DannyBear
You just summed up why most of us come here nb.
The miserable, sick, religion just won't go away will it? Like a persistant nasty barking dog, once the wtbs gets in your yard....you just can't shake the bastards.
The few of us here, going through exactly your pain, represent just a small percentage of those whose lives have forever been altered by this evil religion. Evil is the correct word. No other word can fit an organization that seems to relish it's role as a family destroyer. They will cry foul to this statement, but the reality is its a fact.
Instead of offering reconciliation and forgivness, it promulgates hate and derision. Daily offering up young and old to lives of desperation and loneliness. Predicated on some misguided sense of 'keeping themselves clean'......while at the very same moment adding bloodguilt and shame on themselves, for violating natures own laws, let alone the god they claim to worship. Many unable to take the rejection, ending thier lives. Turning to drugs, alcohol, sex, and other forms of excess to relieve the pain.
They just have it so wrong.
Meanwhile back on the farm, we just have to COPE.....you chose the right word.
Reading other's views and how they deal with the pain, can offer alot of support and help you do just that. Cope.
Best to you and journey.
Danny
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kls
Welcome to the forum, i cannot answer your question, i have only my husband in. I guess going back to live a lie and keep family is one way or to live free with no family. It is your choice as what makes you happy.
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XQsThaiPoes
DB is correct the system is to bring you back or push you to sin. But they DFing system is broken and I am trying to work on a logical anti shunning packet that has zero to do with xtain love or what ever. More of a logical rebutal. Becaue the syste has several plot holes that the wts has not adresses and they even break their own rules. About how to treat dfed people. It is really fear and peer pressure.
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Elsewhere
I was a 3rd generation JW. Basically my entire family and all of my friends were JWs. I DAed myself because I just didn't believe it. I could no longer fake my faith? I could not live a lie.
Result: My entire family and everyone I grew up knowing shunned me.
I wasted about four years of my life trying to be nice and win them over so they would not shun me... it was a waste of time and heart ache. I eventually became resolved to the fact they will never be a part of my life again and wrote them off as lost to a cult.
Over the years I have built a new "family" and new friendships.
When I was a kid and my grandfather died they had to divide up the estate. In the process it came to my attention that my grandfather had another son by a previous marriage before he was a JW. All my life I had an uncle that I was never told about, a whole other branch of my family that was ignored and hidden from everyone. I was shocked and horrified that a family could do such a thing.
I am now destined to be that hidden family member, hidden from view, treated as though I don't even exist. This is what I have had to come to terms with.
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DannyBear
***I am now destined to be that hidden family member, hidden from view, treated as though I don't even exist. This is what I have had to come to terms with.***
It took me about the same amount of time to resolve.
Jw's are so blind. They see themselves as more upright, more righteous, for dealing so harshly with the so called non-repentant sinners. Yet they will with open arms accept in 'good standing' almost anyone that has the properly endowed tear ducts, sufficiently drooping chin, that 'listens' intently to admonition from the 'spirit directed' elders and fds.
Child abuse, murder, larceny, wife beating, all easily excused by simply being submissive to Watchtower will.
They can't get it, they just don't want to see the evilness, they get side tracked by all the words. Clean, upright, godly devotion, pure, the words rushing into the brain......allowing them to tear and rend families apart, without the slightest twinge of consience.
Danny
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jst2laws
Welcome to our board, Nb
I've thought about going back just to be reinstated and then stop going, but my family would be on my case. "Why aren't you at meetings?" or "Why don't you go out in service, you used to be a pioneer?" I would never get any peace. I just don't understand how one can believe that a loving god would want you to have nothing to do with your own family! Enough ranting on my part. Thanks for listening.
You care about your family and you are willing to do anything to salvage your relationship with them. This makes you a GREAT PERSON. But your family is trapped in a cult. It may be a long time before your family appreciates what a good person you are.
It does not matter why you were DF'd are how you tried to avoid it. You are a good person who needed to escape the Fundamentalist Watchtower Society. If you go back to win the love of your duped relatives it will only last as long as you can hide your true self.
I suspect you will get some good advise on how to go on from here. I will watch this thread as you will too.
Jst2laws
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Big Tex
Howdy nb-dfed.
First, I'm very sorry that your family will not talk to you. Realize that is about them, and not you. What do you do? Live your life.
I have not spoken with my father or my sisters in 12 years. I was not "allowed" to attend my mother's funeral (even though I've never been disfellowshipped or disassociated). In all honesty, I do not miss them and currently I do not know where they are.
Having said that, it hurt (a lot) in the beginning. I'm not ashamed to say I cried, bitterly and hard, and I did miss them at first. But gradually I realized that they did not care about me, the inner person, who I really am. Their "love" was conditional, and dependent only on how many hours of service, how many meetings I attended and how many comments I made.
At the end of the day, you just reach a point where you say, "Screw it". This is who I am and from this point forward I only want people in my life who like and care for me. Not what they want me to be, but who I really am. I can control that. I cannot control my family.
It does hurt. I don't want to dimish that in any way, and yet you are on your own path now and if your family cannot accept you as you really are, then you must ask yourself how much it costs you to be in a relationship where you are required to only give and never receive. And then you must ask yourself whether such a relationship is loving.
Good luck.